atelophobia bliss

When you know what you could do, to make things better.

That it might hurt a couple of people to begin with, but they’d get over it.

They’d soon realise without, they can actually move on with their life. Not be in financial fear, be able to literally move away and not worry. To live their life, how they should. Without me.

It’s nearly 10 years since my first attempt and every single day since I whisper prays, hoping today will be the day I’d have the courage to try again. I wonder if I should do it myself, 3rd time lucky is supposedly a thing. Or wait till there’s a free car and hope the impact would work its magic. But then there’s the risk of others by doing that. At least alone, I’m hurting nobody but myself.

They say to talk about things, let it out and don’t hold it in. But what’s the point? People try to fake the kindness so they come off good, but nobody really cares; understandably everyone has their own worries and can’t be expected to pick up the slack when someone so replaceable, is feeling a bit low.

They say “you have loads to live for” but when you can give 10+ reasons why they would still be better off without you, does that statement still stand?

I don’t know how do it, when to do it and will it even be a success this time?

Urg.