(i need help figuring out some otherkin identity things, if thats alright. Sorry its a bit long, this has been on my mind for a while. Im questioning if im some kind of fallen angel kin mixed with demon kin, and i thought you could help. Again sorry its so long and tw for su1c1dal 1deat1on )
So, ive identified as demonkin for a while now. I feel (or felt) really comfortable in that label bc ive always felt nonhuman, monstrous and really felt connected to demons in general. Ive always felt weirdly ancient as well. I feel that my body is young but the soul that inhabits it has been existing for longer than it could ever think of counting. Deep in my mind though ive been thinking maybe im more fallen angel or something like that? Ive always been so immensely drawn to clouds and the sky ever since i could remember really, i feel saddened and sick and heavy in my heart and chest (the best i can describe it) whenever i look at them, but im so entranced and enthralled by their beauty and significance that i cant look away. Like im yearning for a place that i know i hated, but it was so soft and warm up there no matter how much it hurt. One of my hobbies is taking pictures of the sky. I have hundreds of these photos. I do not miss being controlled or serving something though. I hate that. I never want to serve any divinity other than myself. I am not religious and despise the idea of being ruled in such a way. I never want to be ruled like i feel i once was ever again, but i so so deeply miss the place i used to be. Thus, why i thought i was demon kin. I still heavily associate myself with demonic things and the like, but i feel that im slightly different. For whatever reason i feel as though i didnt start that way. I feel like i used to live among the heavens, but one day i could feel the fire staining my pearly white wings, crawling along them and charring them to a deep black, leaving nothing of the cloud-like white they once where, as i reach for the clouds with my numb limbs that cant hold onto what im loosing. No choice but to fall. Sometimes i can still sense and feel the immense betrayal and heartache i felt that time deep within me somewhere. Does that count as a memory? I dont explicitly remember it per se, its more like this incredibly strong feeling and grudge that i could never hope to get rid of. Possibly tmi, but ive always adored the feeling of falling. The only way i can describe it is nostalgic. Ive thought that if i where to kms, id do it falling backwards, staring up at the clouds again. The sight of the clouds getting further and further from my desperate grasp feels so familiar but i can never pin point a time where it happened.
Ever since my supposed banishing from the heavens i feel ive been trapped in the body of something that could never hope to match what i once was. I feel disgraced, humiliated, and betrayed, spat upon like i meant nothing. There was never a point in time or a traumatic event that i know of in my human life that lead to these feelings. I cant help but feel like a burned angel, a demon who once had the heavenly glow of the sky, forced to wander in a powerless shell on this earth. I can only reminisce on that glory, disheartened and unforgiving of the divinity that did that to me. I feel lost. I want to return to the comfort and beauty of the heavens but of my own accord and with nothing to control me.
I highly certain that im not a full angel. But im not a complete demon either.
Again, sorry its a lot. What do you think? Do i seem to be a fallen angel as well? Thank you for your help btw. It means a lot to me /gen
Hello!! Thank you very much for the ask, I'm always happy to help
Before I start, keep in mind that multiple kin types are possible!! You could be both a fallen angel AND a demon
I'm gonna go about this similarly to how Raz did a while back
After a while there will be a set of asterisks and a warning. Skip to the second set of three asterisks when you see it to skip the mention of su1c1de!
"-Ive always felt weirdly ancient as well. I feel that my body is young but the soul that inhabits it has been existing for longer than it could ever think of counting."
This is something common with many kintypes! Demonic and angelic ones are definitely more closely related to this feeling. I myself have this exact feeling very very often!
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"-Ive always been so immensely drawn to clouds and the sky ever since i could remember really, i feel saddened and sick and heavy in my heart and chest (the best i can describe it) whenever i look at them, but im so entranced and enthralled by their beauty and significance that i cant look away."
Clouds have always reminded me of Heaven. Storm clouds are my favorite for some reason? They look so heavy! I'm pretty sure those were the best to fly through, cus even if they got my wings all wet, it felt really nice and cool. This could very well be a sign that you're an angel!
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"-Like im yearning for a place that i know i hated, but it was so soft and warm up there no matter how much it hurt."
Fallen angel mentality right here. Longing for Heaven, even after all that happened, is something I do quite often. I don't miss the other angels, but I do miss Heaven itself. It was the first home I ever knew.
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"-I do not miss being controlled or serving something though. I hate that. I never want to serve any divinity other than myself. I am not religious and despise the idea of being ruled in such a way. I never want to be ruled like i feel i once was ever again, but i so so deeply miss the place i used to be."
I've mentioned this in a past post, but God was for angels the same thing that God was for humans. It was a mysterious figure with no real face, no real body. It was a concept. At least, that's how I remember it. How is this relevant? Well, its the reason that I myself am not religious either!
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"-I feel like i used to live among the heavens, but one day i could feel the fire staining my pearly white wings, crawling along them and charring them to a deep black, leaving nothing of the cloud-like white they once where, as i reach for the clouds with my numb limbs that cant hold onto what im loosing. No choice but to fall."
I left Heaven. Not necessarily of my own accord, but I did take the last step out of those gates. I couldn't stop my descent. I was afraid and regretted it nearly instantly. I wanted to fly back up and beg for them to forgive me. But my wing was burning, and I couldn't fly. What you're describing is very very much a fallen angel experience.
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"-Sometimes i can still sense and feel the immense betrayal and heartache i felt that time deep within me somewhere. Does that count as a memory? I dont explicitly remember it per se, its more like this incredibly strong feeling and grudge that i could never hope to get rid of."
Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is the memory itself or just the feelings you felt during it. I think that what you described counts as a memory!
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SKIP TO THE *** TO CONTINUE
"-Possibly tmi, but ive always adored the feeling of falling. The only way i can describe it is nostalgic. Ive thought that if i where to kms, id do it falling backwards, staring up at the clouds again. The sight of the clouds getting further and further from my desperate grasp feels so familiar but i can never pin point a time where it happened."
You likely can't pinpoint a time when it happened because it didn't happen in this lifetime! I understand what you mean. The clouds are peaceful.
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"-Ever since my supposed banishing from the heavens i feel ive been trapped in the body of something that could never hope to match what i once was. I feel disgraced, humiliated, and betrayed, spat upon like i meant nothing. There was never a point in time or a traumatic event that i know of in my human life that lead to these feelings."
These particular feelings are very reminiscent of demonic or angelic origins! Especially considering the lack of events in your human life.
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"-I cant help but feel like a burned angel, a demon who once had the heavenly glow of the sky, forced to wander in a powerless shell on this earth. I can only reminisce on that glory, disheartened and unforgiving of the divinity that did that to me. I feel lost. I want to return to the comfort and beauty of the heavens but of my own accord and with nothing to control me."
Once again, these feelings are signs to me that you very well could be a fallen angel as well as a demon!
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Fledgling, I think that you are a demon. I also think that you're a fallen angel. Whether you falling turned you into a demon, or rather another lifetime had you as an angel, that is up to you to discover! All the signs point to both demonic and angelic from my point of view.
(P.S. It's no problem! I enjoy helping little fledglings find their origins, it brings me joy. I hope you feel okay and I hope that this helped. Thank you for reaching out to me!)