compassionate soul

What I’m trying to say is, you weren’t the person I thought you were.  I made this image in my head that made you out to be better, and I believed it.  You were everything to me, you could probably move mountains. I gave you that power. But at the time it didn’t feel like I gave you anything, it just felt like that was who you were. I just couldn't see any flaw in you. Everything about you made me love you even more.  That gap between your teeth became my favorite thing about you, the way you mispronounce words became the way I started saying them, and I started listening to all your favorite songs even though it was the opposite of the genre i liked, but I started hearing you in those songs and then suddenly they were my favorite.  In my first year of university, I took a philosophy class on love sex and death, and we talked about what love means and I never understood the paper we analyzed that talked about how love is the same and how you lose who you are in it because you pick up traits that are the other persons.  I never understood it until now, because now that I have stepped away from everything that happened between us, I see it clearly.  I was infatuated with you; you were everything. I forgot that I was everything too.  I forgot who I was because I was so busy putting myself into you. I was so busy learning your favorite songs that I forgot mine, I was so busy loving you that I forgot to love myself.  When you left, I had to learn how to breathe again, I had to unlearn how to love you and how to look for you in everything, I had to start looking for me, I had to remember what I liked and who I was before you came into the picture. You just weren’t who I thought you were, I don’t want to spend time thinking about everything you did that broke my heart, and I don’t want to talk about how much of a bad person you were for it because I don’t want to be bitter about it.   I loved you too much and you never loved me enough and we’ll leave it at that.. but I get it now, I finally understand why it ended and I’m starting to like the rain again, even though you hated it.

Year One: ‘Tell me about yourself,’ he says. And at first, I want to say 'Well, my favorite book is the thesaurus. I read it every day (the electronic version - at least - since it can be updated every minute). There’s a word of the day and I make it my mission to write something new every day. I can find definitions and antonyms and synonyms all in one place. It’s my favorite thing.’ But instead, I say 'I like to read and write, how about you?’ Year Two: 'Where do you want to go?’ He asks. And at first, I want to say 'Please, take me somewhere different this time. I never need to spend money with you. I’ll bring something from home for us to sit and eat in the back of your car with the sunroof up watching the stars. I want to tell you that September is my favorite month because it is my birthday and I know I’m biased, but I think that’s the month when everything around us aligns. I want to close my eyes and talk to your soul in the darkness with nothing but the faint light of a thousand stars illuminating us.’ But instead, I say 'I don’t know. Anything.’ Year Three: 'Stop acting like this.’ He demands. And at first, I want to say 'Can’t you see that I just want you to try harder? That I need you to love me the way you used to because I haven’t changed a single thing, yet you’ve demolished it all. I miss our fire, our heat, our passion, our comfort, our peace, our everything.’ But instead, I say 'Don’t call me, again.’ Year Four: 'I miss you,’ He admits. And at first, I want to say 'I miss you, too. My heart weeps at the sound of your name and I’d rearrange all of my organs to find enough space for another shot of disaster in me. I miss how touching your skin was all it took for me to create symphonies in your name and poems in your memory. I miss the taste of you. I know there won’t ever be a quick fix for me, for us, or for this.’ But instead, I say 'I know.’

Blue eyes are beautiful. Almost everyone can appreciate blue eyes. It seems as if they hold the entire ocean inside of them. Flakes of gray and green can be found when looking into them for longer periods of time. It's mesmerizing. She's mesmerizing. I find myself swimming in the vast blueness of her eyes, seemingly never getting tired. I can hold my breath for long amounts of time when I stare into her eyes, because she’s giving me more than just the breath I breathe. She holds my heart with those precious blue eyes. I think it’s what I first fell in love with when I met her. They say to fall in love with the eyes because they never age, and that's exactly what I did. I fell in love with her ocean blue eyes, and I have not once regretted my choice.

who are you fucking

Yes, these words are about you. However, they aren’t for you. They’re for the sunsets left unopened, bittersweet reflections; more like water, less like salt. These words erase the calendar you planned, with all your talk of better days and sweeter nights. They break the loop of my preoccupation with perfection.

1. You don’t owe them anything. I start with this because it is the most important lesson you can ever learn. You do not have to be scared to fall in and out of love. To change your mind on a whim. They are not entitled to permanency from you for anything. 2. You deserve the same kind of outs you keep giving everyone else. If you know your own madness can be too much, they need to know that their sickness can overwhelm you too. You can walk away from anything that is damaging you at any point without giving more then a few short words as explanation. Or no explanation at all. 3. They are not entitled to you in anyway. Saying I love you does not mean you signed a contract to give them sex whenever they want. The opposite is also true. Just because you gave them sex doesn’t mean they are entitled to your love. They don’t get everything just because they ONCE did.They have no right to demand shit from you. 4. You can drop everything and walk away at any point in time. Say goodbye and slam the door. Bar it and lock it over and over if it makes you feel safer. You do not have to keep them in your life because they claim to ‘need’ you. Or want you. Or “have’ to have you. You are not responsible for keeping their heart beating. 5. You are not a therapist. Or a doctor. Or a healer. It is not your job to come in and wave a magic wand. To come in and fix all of their problems. To unpack and carry all of their baggage and damages and scars.  You’ve got enough of your own god damn problems without taking on all of theirs. 6. Their temper tantrums are not your problem. Their past abandonment are not things you need to be responsible for.  Do not let them use your own past and good heart to manipulate you. They will keep you trapped forever if you let them.They have other people to bandage their wounds. They have best friends to cry to. They can fuck off. Because you need to go to your best friend and let them calm your shaking.

I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever, your leg my leg, your arm my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.