Diverted Future

Oh my love, don’t ever trade your fragility for callousness. Don’t give up your emotions for numbness. Please, don’t ever let yourself believe that life is better when you are disconnected from it, when you can’t feel it’s unpleasantness or cry at its unfairness. For just as much as the people of this world will be cruel and bring you to tears they will warm your heart, give you strength and teach you to be open to all life has to offer.

I hope some of the words in the back of your mind are me.

If I could do it all again, I would stay up later. I would ask more questions, unashamed of how personal they were and not afraid that I wouldn't like the answers. If I could start over with you, I wouldn't doubt my instincts. I wouldn't fear what people thought if I catered to your every whim and laughed at every stupid joke. If I could try again, I would embrace every moment of every fight and ask for everything I needed from you. I wouldn’t worry if I was too needy, too attached, too much of anything. I would be myself more. I would scream louder. I wouldn’t of hesitated to tell you I love you, in every way, everyday. If I could do it again, I would not love you in halting steps always looking for some sort of validation that I was stepping on solid ground. I would jump into you and if you didn’t catch me, than I would still be picking up the same broken pieces I am now.

I would die a thousand times in the fire of our dying flame to feel just a moment of warmth. The only time I can think clearly is a thousand miles away from you. So please forgive my cowardice but if we both waited for me to be able to break our hearts in person, then darling we would of left as ashes.

We may not be have aged gracefully like fine wine. You may not be smooth like good whiskey, but you will always be my shot of tequila. It may not have been the best decision I’ve ever made, but despite the regret, the stories you left me with were worth the burn.

I hope he sees it, the way that you give more of yourself away than you keep. I hope he hears the love in your voice as you speak of old heartbreak. I hope he doesn't get jealous of the fact that everyone you've ever loved still has a place in your heart, even if you only love a memory or a whisper of a boy who destroyed you. I hope he sees how strong the stitches are that you made to put all of the pieces back together. I hope he realizes how brave you are that you haven't let the heartbreaks of your past destroy the love of your future. I hope he recognizes all of the amazing things in your heart that all the other boys took for granted.

Oh darling, I wish you would learn, happiness isn't a place. It isn't found in the big city lights. It won't float in on the tide. It isn't hiding in any one place, waiting to be found. Happiness isn't found at all, my dear, it's made. And if I've learned anything in my travels, it's that you can make happiness anywhere. Even in a place that once broke your heart.

You're here still, not physicially, or in a way that eases my broken heart, but you're here in the empty halls and in my memories. You're in every room and every so often someone brings up your name and I slide away into my memories where I haven't lost you yet. There, you're still making jokes and you're still bringing out my unabashed delight and frustration all at once. There, you're still looking for my validation and my love, just as much as I was looking for yours. You're still in every part of this place, maybe because I'm still looking for you in it.

I'm afraid of being the girl you associate with rainy nights. I'm afraid that you'll remember pieces of my apartment and my life with a mixture of longing, admiration and hatred. I worry about how you'll feel when you hear my name in the future. I see it in your eyes, that look of happiness, that look like I'm everything you ever imagined having. I've looked that way before. It's left me heartbroken and sobbing, so please be careful with me, because I may not intend to but I may become the holder of a piece of your heart that you'll wish you never gave away.

A letter to the youth of this country