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@dissociatrix
YOUR ADDICTION HAS AFFECTED US IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS YOU ARE ANNOOOYING

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are any of you familiar with VSED? because i honestly thinks its one of the most interesting like intersections of religion, law, politics, business/insurance, medicine, etc iβve ever come across, its so beyond medieval. i dont understand how the idea of humanely can even exist in terms of animals & being put out of misery in the face of what we put humans through. its such an incredibly strange encapsulation oh how broken & backwards our world is. were truly just vessels for labor & exploitation, there is bo humanity afford to humans, the second you outlive your value of production, you become the product that is exploited even in death, through the predatory death industry. none of it is about compassion or dignity or humanity. its all a racket meticulously constructed to bleed you completely dry of all value that can be extracted from ur husk of flesh.
Dr Kevorkian has always been & will always be i think one of the most admirable people period. like that man is so beyond a saint. truly did gods work. & they took everything from him. they spent years & years tearing down everything that man built & he continued to help people up until he was finally fully forced to stop. i cannot imagine anything more saintly than putting ur medical license, ur freedom, everything youve ever built, youre entire life, on the line just so people can die with dignity & without pain. the closest thing there has ever been to an angel.
ive been musing with the idea of putting out a zene or two (lol jokes on me i doubt i have the energy to even do one let alone bothβ¦) about right to die / a diy clandestine barbital synthesis a la βpeaceful pill handbookβ but far more useful as that one afaik doesnt really assist with sourcing/producing &/or a methadone clinic criticism / broad pro junkie/medical opioid user / diy clandestine methadone synthesis. but honestly, it feels like a mix of blowing up the spot a little & honestly likeβ¦. if people arent smart enough or driven enough to do their own researchβ¦ like maybe they dont deserve the informationβ¦ like the information is & has been out there for anyone, especially even more so now that ai is a thingβ¦ but maybe thats a reason to center the information in something like a zene to circulate in leftist/junkie communitiesβ¦ like i see no point in putting the information on the internet again when its already there & ai.. like again blowing up the spotβ¦ i just dont know if i think people deserve to have the information spoon fed to them if they arent willing or capable of learning the information on their ownβ¦
i think if i end up doing it, itβll be the barbital synthesis / PPHB v2, maybe i could get some posthumously clout from it if i let it be passed around as a pdf on like SS or w/e. on the flip side though, if i do ever recover from my Illnessβ’οΈ besides the research consultancy non profit idea, i think supplying premade barbital to people desperate to humanely CTB would probably be my primary income/focus in life, the fact the meta right now is eating like an oz of sodium nitrile or the only legal option of VSED is so beyond bleak. like there is a whole giant forum of people who are desperately posting about how they wish barbiturates were accessible at all, but dont even have the like 2 cents to be able to source anything off the onions (not that there are barbiturates in large enough amnts/$ that one could feasibly ctb with them) so like first a foremost i believe its a public service to allow people to ctb peacefully & painlessly, 2 its a giant forum of people desperate for a product that is literal not available period unless you make it yourself which most people arent capable of & are willing to pay a premium for because its likely the last thing they spend money on. like idk on top of being a public service i would feel very morally good for doing, its also a niche & price point i could probably live very comfortably from even without repeat customers, theres so much demand even if its just for someone to have it on hand & never use it, that does a lot for people.. it would have to be expensive tbh to make the risk worth it, but something like 1-2k/10g.. it sounds steep, but when you look at alternatives & the reality that there is not anyone else producing barbiturates & it costs between 10-30k to travel for right to die out of country, like its not as big of an ask as people think, its only a lil more expensive than firearms or doing an exit bag or w/e & i think the premium is worth it for a lot of people. also the ability to store it long term if properly stored, like so many people just need an emergency out button, they may never push it, but they deserve the comfort & our twisted ass system wont allow people to do it.
lol i know people joke about like making a βtrauma dossierβ to hand to new therapists/shrinks/psychologists whenever they do intakes because theyre tired of unpacking/re-explaining all their diagnoses/trauma/backstory etc, & while i obviously recognize the appeal, id argue that with trauma & a lot of mental health stuff that exposure is honestly one of the more promising modalities, but i really wish i had at some point taken the time when i was more in my higher mental functioning to more neatly put all of my diagnostic clues / experiment results / disease timeline / symptoms / test results / differentials / etc all into like a neat lil dossier. like i guess i could still do this at this point, & i probably should as long as im going to even remotely be trying to figure this out / treat it. iβm just so exhausted all the time it doesnt feel like a good use of energy when theres other shit i need to do like settle up affairs or go to drs appointments, or go to the clinic, or pick up scripts, or send out packs, or work towards making barbital, or answering friends, or w/e. like i dont really have PEM i dont think? or at least i havent been able to super clearly tie exertion to feeling worse? it kinda just seems like i always feel the same level of bad/exhaustion? theres the obvious correlation of like gas tank of energy for each day - cost of energy for doing x thing, that i think everyone has? but thats not the same as PEM, like it just feels like my gas tank is an old phone battery, yk how itll say how 100% on ur battery is now only like 40% of the capacity of the new battery? thats what it feel like, is like as opposed to like a 100% charged 100% battery, mine is 10% of the original capacity, so my 100% at the beginning of the day is really only 10% of what i used to have, that plus just a sort of like slow linear decline in the total capacity for charge.
writing out a dossier is stuck in the same level of executive tasks as like finally getting on a computer & setting up my blog directory (for my side blogs to link back to this) & maybe backing them all up on like geocities or something cause i doubt tumblr will outlive me by much, & honestly this & a few of my aes blogs are really like the only art or part of myself ive ever put out into the world, & really the only way a part of me can live on, which like i doubt there are many people in the world who will actually even care or want them to exist, but to this day i still go on fables old blog, or my mothers instagram, its sort of the only pieces i still have of those people besides my memories & a few physical possessions in the case of my mother; which like memories are always of dubious integrity on account of them being memories, & possessions only have the value you can impart upon them. idk, i certainly wish i had even a single photo of karoline, im lucky to remember what she looks like still somehow, but its only been like 3-4 years since she died, i coulda scβd the photo on her obit when it was sent to me, but was so rocked by grief & isolation i didnt think too, & have never been able to find it again despite occasionally trying. idk the dossier probably takes priority over the tumblr archiving & formatting, but my brain has then in the opposite order in priority, which is funny.
honestly making barbital, & giving my stuff to willa & toby & maybe cain & separating out all the stuff from my mom out of my stuff in case my sisters want any of it. are basically my eclipsing priorities right now, that & making sure im filling my scripts consistently & making $ with that where i can, basically beyond fills up my plate, & i still need to like talk to willa & cain & maybe toby & like update them on just how bleak things have gotten so no one is blindsided if i continue to not be able to find any improvement. at some point i need to switch the electric out of my name here to one of my roommates, so they dont have to deal with that hassle when they cant get into my accounts.

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i have been BATTLING both this hospital & my cell carrier for like 60 days trying to just book a fucking endocrinology appointment at this stupid fucking hospital, i have gotten my pcp to fax them the referral 4 times now, & despite calling the hospital like a dozen times they just insist they havent gotten a referral & yes the fax number & email im using is correct, & yes they remember me & no they still havent gotten a referral. despite again having proof from my pcp that they have sent it every time they have said they did.
all while my phone just randomly decides that my sms/calling service just refuses to work for hours on end until it randomly fixes itself, no amount of updating or reseting or anything has fixed this, i am just living at the whims of when my phone decides that LTE is the only thing it will do now, all the while i just want to book this stupid specialist appointment that i know isnt going to fix or help anything because im already on the corticosteroids & they seem to be doing nothing for my main set of symptoms, theyre probably helping my underlying adrenal insufficiency but not like i can tell in any way whatsoever..
& its a fucking intake anyways, so best case we order a bunch of tests, hope they can actually draw blood on that day which they likely wont be able to unless they go in my neck or a major artery (even then they usually cant on days i take my amphetamine (also its such an awful idea to do blooddraws from major arteries while on an amphetamine, its like a joke) but which i literally need to take to be able to physically enable myself to push through the hour + commute itll take me to get to the hospital by public transit & foot.) & then best case scenario they get the blood, i have to wait another 2-3 months for my follow up appointment where theyre like oh yeah wow you do have adrenal insufficiency, have you tried corticosteroids? (even if i preempt this by disclosing i got myself on corticosteroids this wont expedite anything) & when i tell them yes i have & they dont do shit below a stress doss, only then do we start trying to optimize roa/trialing other corticosteroids, which is probably the only thing they can do that would give me any benefit whatsoever, that is a dexamethasone trial or an iv stress trial of HC, both of which i personally doubt will yield much difference, but will at least give the information of whether the roa is the issue (methadone or something else fucking up my liver/my absorption/metabolism of the HC in a way that prevents it from meaningfully doing anything) or if a longer half life corticosteroids like dex/prednisone will better fix my issue, which i think the latter has some chance of being real? but also i did trial prednisone iβll be it at a sub replacement dose & only 1x daily dosing schedule, but that experiment yielded the same result as the oral HC.
ahh of course. you just need to be a little mean to the intake person on the phone & then you pass their secret test & theyll send a message to the front desk people to call you back to schedule the appointment βwhen they get the referralβ (literally 10 minutes after i got off the phone with the first person) i get called by the front desk people.. so like you had my referral? clearly? like you said you didnt have it? so the past four times ive done this if i had just been a fucking bitch to the person i would have actually been directed to the person why has been receiving all my referrals the past 2 months. totally sensical system, i swear 80% of the healthcare industry is just taking advantage of people who are so beaten down by their conditions they arent able to meaningfully advocate for themselves. its all predatory & bullshit.
maybe its of note that iβm not experiencing insomnia from being on 100mcg of FC & at this point like 10mg - 5mg - 5mg (going to add a third dose of 5mg soon just to really exhaust any chance its a dose schedule or dosage issue. maybe also attempt a rectal 100mg stress dose at some point to the same ends as a iv HC stress dose trial, so i can rule out roa being the potential issue, but honestly it feels like kind of a waste of steroids, especially with how high my daily dose is now.
βthis body is just a bad dreamβ
β Jess R. Sutton, from my only regret is having a body
first day of hydrocortisone & fludcortisone experiment >:) god please i hope this worksπ€π»π§Ώ 10mg hydrocortisone & 50mcg of fludcortisone first thing in the morning & a midday/early afternoon 5mg of hydrocortisone is the plan for right now π€π»π€π»π€π»
π€·πΌββοΈ
apparently it can take months for stuff to repair. L
up to 20mg/100mcg upon wake up maybe gonna try adding intraday 5mg doses & go up to 30mg & if it still does nothing than idk dude. iβm out of ideas, might try going to the er but idk probably not worth it.
i want to live a life i could barely live if the methadone fixed all my issues. fentanyl barely provides enough relief for me to sleep & half function, & comes at the expense of it coming out of pocket & the 4 hour duration & roa difficulties. like unless i can find a longer acting agonist i can reliably supply is basically the only way iβll ever have any freedom & theres still the giant sword hanging over my head of illegality.. but for now iβm stuck with the unsustainable option of fetty until i can like drum up the resources to try win1783 or mgm16 or something i dont know. it sorta seems like it only goes the one direction if the corticosteroids didnt work. maybe i can sustainably make my own agonist but first i need to like get up to the level of functionality to even gather together the resources & means to do it & then i have to learn how to actually master the technique, it all seems p long shot, idk why win1783 would work when normal methadone doesnt.. maybe i should order some heroin & see if thats a viable option..? might be a good data point, certain will last longer than fetty & maybe if it works that means win1783 will, i think mgm16 is strong enough regardless itll work on paper. but i dont see myself making that any time soon, nor do i see it ever coming to market in any type of pure form

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goddamn i am literally like just pushing through trying to make it to october.. like i really am at the end of my rope, i guess it could still improve from the HC/FC but idk i feel like it would have helped some already.. its still really bad & seemingly trending worse⦠i just yeah, dont have any other ideas. unless theres just a delayed response to the corticosteroids & i miraculously recover, which i cant imagine happening but i guess ill try to give it one more week of me on methadone, before i return to fetty & make barbital
*torturing you* dude trust me, something really cool happens. you just have to reflect on it for a bit. i'm doing this because i want you to reach your full potential okay?
auto immune disorders happen when the immune system ignores regulatory factors and begins attacking healthy bodily tissues, due to what scientists refer to as "sheer love of the game"
I call this the create a new problem technique
yk?

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that was my last guess dude.. i guess iβll try stabilize on methadone + the corticosteroids & if it doesnt help than i guess i just need to figure out a way to sustainable do fetty or another strong opioid.. like my final play is to do the corticosteroids + addy + strong opioid & just push myself as hard as i can.. & if i cant live an even remotely non bedbound existence with all those aids, than i just pivot & like try to learn how to make barbital lmaoooo
i mean i know how to make barbital, i guess i more mean focus my resources on getting together the kit & reagents iβll need to pull off the synth.. i think given how weirdly im reacting to opioids? like poorly/needing a lot? super short duration? etc? its not a great idea to use as a primary methodβ¦ i could muddle it with medetomide & propanol (did anyone know this is a potential lethal single agent? probably the most accessible script for CTB) ive read the latter is p unpleasant on its own though, so the former two meds would need to keep me knocked out for the duration it takes the propanol to do its thingβ¦ idk it feels messy & risky.. accessible sureβ¦ but barbital seems like a preferable agent.. idkβ¦ this probably isnt shit i should be posting about. but it scratches an itch that journaling doesnt, it always has, ai is close to as good as posting, but iβm sort of falling out of love with ai, like so far nothing has been helpful, so its not unique ai hasnt been helpful, one of many things yk? but the sort of disenfranchisement has me using it less ive noticed