Hauntological Drowning

are any of you familiar with VSED? because i honestly thinks its one of the most interesting like intersections of religion, law, politics, business/insurance, medicine, etc i’ve ever come across, its so beyond medieval. i dont understand how the idea of humanely can even exist in terms of animals & being put out of misery in the face of what we put humans through. its such an incredibly strange encapsulation oh how broken & backwards our world is. were truly just vessels for labor & exploitation, there is bo humanity afford to humans, the second you outlive your value of production, you become the product that is exploited even in death, through the predatory death industry. none of it is about compassion or dignity or humanity. its all a racket meticulously constructed to bleed you completely dry of all value that can be extracted from ur husk of flesh.

Dr Kevorkian has always been & will always be i think one of the most admirable people period. like that man is so beyond a saint. truly did gods work. & they took everything from him. they spent years & years tearing down everything that man built & he continued to help people up until he was finally fully forced to stop. i cannot imagine anything more saintly than putting ur medical license, ur freedom, everything youve ever built, youre entire life, on the line just so people can die with dignity & without pain. the closest thing there has ever been to an angel.

maybe its of note that i’m not experiencing insomnia from being on 100mcg of FC & at this point like 10mg - 5mg - 5mg (going to add a third dose of 5mg soon just to really exhaust any chance its a dose schedule or dosage issue. maybe also attempt a rectal 100mg stress dose at some point to the same ends as a iv HC stress dose trial, so i can rule out roa being the potential issue, but honestly it feels like kind of a waste of steroids, especially with how high my daily dose is now.

i want to live a life i could barely live if the methadone fixed all my issues. fentanyl barely provides enough relief for me to sleep & half function, & comes at the expense of it coming out of pocket & the 4 hour duration & roa difficulties. like unless i can find a longer acting agonist i can reliably supply is basically the only way i’ll ever have any freedom & theres still the giant sword hanging over my head of illegality.. but for now i’m stuck with the unsustainable option of fetty until i can like drum up the resources to try win1783 or mgm16 or something i dont know. it sorta seems like it only goes the one direction if the corticosteroids didnt work. maybe i can sustainably make my own agonist but first i need to like get up to the level of functionality to even gather together the resources & means to do it & then i have to learn how to actually master the technique, it all seems p long shot, idk why win1783 would work when normal methadone doesnt.. maybe i should order some heroin & see if thats a viable option..? might be a good data point, certain will last longer than fetty & maybe if it works that means win1783 will, i think mgm16 is strong enough regardless itll work on paper. but i dont see myself making that any time soon, nor do i see it ever coming to market in any type of pure form

goddamn i am literally like just pushing through trying to make it to october.. like i really am at the end of my rope, i guess it could still improve from the HC/FC but idk i feel like it would have helped some already.. its still really bad & seemingly trending worse… i just yeah, dont have any other ideas. unless theres just a delayed response to the corticosteroids & i miraculously recover, which i cant imagine happening but i guess ill try to give it one more week of me on methadone, before i return to fetty & make barbital