Peacefully Unhinged

"Why aren't you happy?" "You never get excited" I just... can't. I haven't in a really long time. I miss that spark I had in my eyes as much as anybody. But this world and this universe have drained the life out of me almost effortlessly now. I really wsh I didn't enjoy drugs so much. But the thought of sitting there with my mind running rampant and an undying uneasiness building up every waking moment I'm here with no way to turn off the noise for at least a little bit is terrifying.

I'm sorry for this out of the blue BS. I was eventually gonna have to get this off my chest because I think it's a big part of the reason I've been so bat shit crazy for the better part of the last 10 years. So I'm saying this for the sake of my sanity and I understand if you think I'm a lunatic for this after this long. Trust me, I feel fucking insane doing this and I knew it was crazy to still feel this way years ago but there was a lot of shit I never got to say that I'm sure you probably couldn't give a damn less about hearing. I know it was hard to tell at the time, and I had an absolute dogshit way of showing it, and I know my actions said completely otherwise, but I had a love for you that I seriously doubt will ever be matched again. Something so damn rare that I didn't even know it at the time. I still do. Not a "I'm still in love with you" kinda love. A genuine, if I'd have gotten my shit together in time, I would have, and still would do so much different to avoid what happened, kinda love. But I now know that all you were ever trying to do was get me to grow the fuck up and I was too stubborn to listen, and fucked myself out of what was arguably the most steady thing I'd had in my life before that point or have had since then. You are legitimately the one that got away and I've been beating the fuck out of myself over that fact for 7 and a half years. I didn't make shit easy for you and you stuck around longer than most people would have. I seriously doubt that I ever even cross your mind at this point and again, I feel fucking insane for the fact that you still cross mine as much as you do. But that's not something I'm able to control and I'm hoping this will help with that. I really do wish you all the best in life. I'm sorry for the way that I treated you.