Discord's Morgan

Damian: it's just a night or two, and it's not like Father doesn't have spare bedrooms available. Jason: that's not the issue, the issue is that i don't want them to fucking know i'm here. Damian: ok so i'll distract them and you can sneak in the back entrance. Jason, flatly: you want me to sneak into my old house to spend the night, when everybody thinks i'm dead and i want it to stay that way? Damian: i'm just saying that his long lost blood son showing up is a good distraction, and it IS a big manor. i'll bet you anything that i could keep you hidden in there for as long as you needed. Jason: you fucking could not. Damian: i could. Jason: could not. Damian: i could and i'll bet fifty dollars on it. Jason: Jason: Jason: alright.

Damian ends up keeping Jason hidden in Bruce's own house like a kid trying to hide a puppy they found on the street in the back of their closet. he's sneaking Jason food and building him a little hidey-hole in the attic above his bedroom and literally nobody else in the manor has a single fucking clue. Jason already knows all the hidey-holes and secret passages from when he lived there anyway, so it turns out not to be as hard as he thought.

to be clear, he still becomes the Red Hood. he's not spending every second in the manor; he's sneaking in and out on a daily basis while he sets up a rulership in Crime Alley. it gets to the point where he fully has his own apartment that he could move into at any point, but he and Damian are being so stubborn about this bet that he's just staying at the manor anyway to prove that eventually they'll figure it out. plus it's starting to get really fucking funny because he's started playing ominous ghost sounds in the ceiling above Tim's room and the poor guy fully thinks he's being haunted by his predecessor's ghost. a fact which is almost correct.

the only thing that's frustrating the hell out of Jason is the fact that after every single interaction with the bats, no matter how exhausted he is from working all night, he has to watch Bruce drive the others right back home while he waits and then has to walk back by himself. eventually there's an arkham breakout and it's so bad that the bats are readily accepting Hood's help with dealing with it and it takes so fucking long to sort everything out that when it's finally over and they're ready to 'go their separate ways', Jason is so genuinely dead on his feet/in pain and need of sleep that he stops caring about everything. Bruce tells the bats to get in the batmobile and Jason just trudges over and slides in next to Tim.

everybody freezes and. straight does not know how to respond. Jason's just half-asleep already leaning his head against the window, and Bruce eventually has to clear his throat and ask like "...would you like a ride home, Hood?" and Jason just grunts.

"where do you live?"

"Wayne Manor," Jason mumbles, barely conscious. the bats all bluescreen apart from Damian who is so resigned to his big brother's idiocy at this point that he just tells them to take him back to the cave with them.

"just- just bring him. look at him. what trouble is he going to cause? he's tired, Father. let him rest."

Bruce is... so confused. and so concerned. but if Hood's injured then what harm is there in letting him get checked over and sleep the worst off in the batcave medical suite? he did help out a lot that night, after all. except when they get to the cave Bruce and Dick start preparing to carry the asleep Red Hood onto a medical bed when Damian just kicks him in the ribs and says 'we're home', and they watch in baffled fucking silence as Hood wakes up, blearily blinks while he takes in his surroundings, and then gets up to start trudging straight up and into the manor.

the others can do nothing but watch in quiet disbelief as Hood proceeds to go through the manor like he truly knows it, gets to Damian's bedroom, and then sleepily climbs up through a secret passage in the ceiling that, when Bruce pokes his head into, reveals a fully renovated bedroom filled with the Red Hood's gear and personal possessions. Hood flops down onto the bed and passes out immediately. Damian just bids Hood a good night and calmly closes the opening behind him, before turning to face the incredulous faces of his entire family staring at him like he's a fucking alien. he narrows his eyes.

"we will talk about it. tomorrow."

"Damian-"

"we are all tired." Damian determines. "for now, let him sleep."

"IN OUR HOUSE-"

"WE WILL DISCUSS THIS TOMORROW."

the next morning Jason wakes up at like. noon. and remembers the night before. and he crawls down into Damian's room to nudge him awake and firmly tell him 'i am not giving you fifty dollars'.

*connecting ping*

Jason: i spy, with my little eye, a little Robin that is slacking off,

Tim: the fuck...?

Damian: wait what- where are you?

Jason: ten o'clock, two buildings over.

Damian: *a slight pause* oh you stalker, what are you doing out of the alley?

Jason: catching you lacking, apparently.

Tim: the hell is going on over there?

Jason, amused: kid's hidin' behind an AC unit so he can ditch patrol and go on his phone.

Damian, pointedly: that's not what i'm doing, actually, so you can mind your own business,

Tim: you're not even supposed to have your civilian phone on you during patrol, it's a security risk. and where the fuck did B go?

Jason: oh he's in this call, he's just got us on mute.

Damian: he was questioning a couple gang members so i left. he'll notice soon, i'm sure, just like he'll soon notice his phone is missing.

Tim: his phone?

Jason: oh my god you stole Batman's phone- hold on, i'm coming over there, hold on.

Damian: well he didn't listen to his own rules regarding the subject, so i figured he deserved to suffer at least a little bit.

*wind whooshing* *boots against concrete*

Jason: *laughs* holy shit you have his actual phone-!

Tim, admiring: how did you get it unlocked?

Damian: i have a note in my own phone with all of your passwords written down from when i look over your shoulders and memorise them.

Tim: what-

Jason, amused: what are you doing with it?

Damian: well i was just going to hide it and make him experience supreme anxiety by thinking his personal possession is lost somewhere in the streets of Gotham, but he's been annoying me lately so i've kind of been doing... this.

*a beat*

Jason: *wheeze* NO WAY,

Tim: wait what- what's he done?!

Damian: i've been doing this for a while, actually. i just delete the evidence afterwards so he can't find out.

Jason: *weeping* you- you've done this before...?

Tim: WHAT'S HE DONE?

Jason, struggling to keep composure: he's- he's texting people as Bruce--he's text Clark,

Tim: what?! what's he said?

Jason: he- *wheeze*

Damian, slightly amused: do you want me to read it out?

Jason, weakly: please,

Damian: i, uh- *amused throat clear* i found a photo on the internet of a close-up on some man's inner thigh, showing a mole. it's not indecent in any way, it's just... slightly too intimate.

Jason: *wheezes again*

Damian, over him: -but it matches Father's body type, so i sent it to Superman. and then i said 'do you think i should get this checked or just see what happens? it's new, which i know might be concerning, but Batman's survived way worse than a mole, right?'

Jason, high-pitched, crying: -so weird,

Tim, incredulous: ...WHY????

Damian: i told you; because he can be annoying.

Jason: *still laughing*

Tim: yes but why THAT specifically?!

Damian: well that's the game, isn't it? it has to be odd, but not such a red flag that Kent instantly thinks Father's phone has been hacked. weird, but in an abstract way. it also needs to be enough of a none-issue that i can delete the interaction off this phone before i slip it back into Father's pocket and Kent won't think it's alarming enough to bring up again.

*brief pause*

Tim, in disbelief: dude, why have- why have you thought this out so much- how many times have you done this?!

Damian, sighing in consideration: well, when i first came to Gotham i had a few anger issues, i guess--inherited from biological donor number three, i'm sure,

Jason: -i resent that-

Damian: -and this was a good way to let off some steam without being grounded for attempting to kill anybody. when i first started i had to be careful, because Kent had a very specific view of Father. but over time i believe i've desensitised him somewhat.

Jason: do you just text Uncle Clark every time?!

Damian: no, i don't always attempt to embarrass Father. sometime i just use him as a medium to make other people suffer.

Tim, horrified: please tell me you've never texted me as Bruce.

Damian: no, i've never needed to, we have the fight pact. when you piss me off i just fight you.

Jason: healthy.

Damian: i got Dick pretty bad, though.

*connecting ping*

Dick: B, i need you.

Jason: speak of the devil.

Tim: oh he's been muted for the past like, twenty minutes. you need back up?

Dick: oh, no, i just needed to remember the name of one of my old middle school teachers and thought he'd know because it's really pissing me off that i can't remember it.

Jason: the fuck do you need to know that for?

Dick: brain-worm. anyway, what are we on over here?

*silence*

Damian: nothing important.

Tim: no fuck off- Damian's stolen Bruce's phone and he's texting people pretending to be him 'to make people suffer'.

Damian: Timothy i will fucking fight you.

Dick: -YOU HAVE HIS PHONE?! that's fucking hysterical, who's the target?

Jason: *pointed* currently, Uncle Clark. but he's not the only- hooly shit Clark's typing. he's typing- he's fucking typing.

Tim: oh my god,

*silence*

Jason: *abrupt cackling* NO FUCKING- *wheeze* NO WAY-,

Damian: oh my god- oh my god wait,

Tim: what the fuck did he say?!

Jason: *still cackling*

Dick: YOU CAN'T LEAVE US LIKE THIS!

Jason, struggling to breathe: GOD- Uncle Clark is the best on earth,

Tim: THE FUCK DID HE SAY?!

Jason: he- *wheeze* he's said- *cough* 'it doesn't seem abnormal, however if you'd feel more comfortable with a friend rather than a doctor then i could always x-ray the spot next time i see you to check for any growths underneath the skin.'

Tim: GOD, HE'S SO NICE?

Jason: *cackles*

Dick: what the fuck did you tell him!?!

Damian: all i did was send a photo of Father's new thigh mole.

Jason, crying: oh god- i love him,

Damian: sh, sh, i'm trying to concentrate,

Jason: what are you- WHAT ARE YOU RESPONDING? HE'S RESPONDING AGAIN.

Tim: Dami- *wheeze* Damian,

Damian: *snickering* ok how about that?

Dick: read it out read it out read it out.

Jason: uh- 'i think that would be helpful for the next JL meeting, but if you could-' *long, painful wheeze*

Tim: WHAT?

Jason: *not breathing*

Damian, calmly: 'but if you could do it discreetly, without me having to be pulled aside; i'd rather not cause speculations about why we would need to meet privately. you can just do it during the meeting.'

Jason: *whimpering*

Dick: oh, my, fuck.

Tim, struggling to keep his voice level: w-wait, so he's- so at the next Justice League meeting Clark is just gonna be there subtly trying to- *wheeze* trying to stare at Batman's inner thighs,

Jason, through choked weeps: -just on his own special little mission,

Tim: his own- *collapses into laughter*

Dick: Damian that's- that's fucking diabolical.

Tim: dude what does Bruce even do to you to deserve this stuff?!

Damian: yeah i should- i should probably clarify that i do love my father,

Dick: *instant cackle*

Damian: like i- *slight wheeze* i do- it might not seem like i like him,

Jason, crying: i can't- oh my god my side hurts,

Damian: i do love him, i just- sometimes he's a hypocrite, and he needs this.

Tim, matter-of-factly: God sent you to test this man, he knew- God knew that somebody needed to check Batman before he rose to complete power, so he cobbled together all of our essences and poured it into a new vessel to keep him firmly grounded on earth, and that vessel is you,

Jason, still laughing: that's true- when i was up there i had a private conference with the guy just like 'you know he's starting to get out of control, right? i was doing my best but the Joker got me, so what's the plan?' and God was like 'don't worry, Jason. i have plans. you have been chosen to bring my prophecy to fruition. like Mary with Jesus, you will bring fourth a solution.' and the solution was this.

Tim: *cackle*

Damian: not even close to the worst thing i've done to anybody with this phone, by the way. what i did to Dick was objectively way worse.

Dick, laughter stopping abruptly: -wait what?

Jason: yeah what did you do to Dick?

Dick: YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME?!

Damian: ...you're joining from Bludhaven, right?

Dick: w-?!?! YEAH? WHY?

Damian: ok then that's far enough away for me to tell you.

Tim, amused: holy shit what'd you do?

Damian: he annoyed me. he promised to take me to the museum, and then he cancelled so he could go on a date.

Dick: you- YOU SAID YOU WERE FINE WITH THAT.

Damian: i lied. so i text you from Father's phone and told you that for the medical files in the Batcave it was imperative that you provide a recent and up-to-date record of your sexual history and amount of partners you've had overall. we argued about it for a while, but eventually i wore you down and you agreed to put one together.

Dick: WHAT.

Jason: *loud cackles, increasing in pitch*

Tim, in awe: holy fuck.

Dick, genuinely distressed: DAMIAN- I GAVE THAT RECORD TO HIM IN PERSON,

Jason: *abruptly deflates* Y-HES, OH MY GOD YES CHILD,

Dick: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK- THAT WASN'T HIM?!! OH MY GOD HE WAS SO CONFUSED WHEN I HANDED HIM IT--HE LOOKED AT ME SO WEIRDLY,

Jason: *losing his complete shit*

Dick: DAMIAN!

Damian, unapologetic: next time remember bros before hoes, what can i say.

Dick: THAT'S NOT AN EQUAL REACTION. WHAT THE FUCK.

Bruce: interrogation complete; Robin where have you disappeared off to?

Dick: I'M GOING TO END YOU DAMAIN-

Tim: *wheezes* you might have- you might have missed a few things, B.

Bruce: i wasn't even muted for that long- what's going on here?

Dick: I'M KILLING YOUR ONLY BIOLOGICAL SPAWN, THAT'S WHAT.

Tim, morbidly curious: i've actually never seen Dick this mad at Damian before, this is kinda impressive.

Jason: *struggling to breathe* no- no kid come here- *wheeze* i'm gonna- i'm gonna- come here, let daddy protect you, i'm so proud of you kiddo,

Damian: yeah i'm sticking with you for the next few days. keep Grayson away from me.

Jason: i love you more than anything, habibi, i got your back,

Bruce: what on earth-

Dick: FUCKING- JASON? HE NEEDS TO HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

Jason: not for this, this is amazing. i'm taking him, we're out. sucks to be you, Goldie.

*2 disconnecting pings*

Dick: *scream of frustration*

*disconnecting ping*

*silence*

Bruce: ...what did Robin do?

Tim: i am... not answering that.

*three seconds of silence*

Bruce: did Hood actually just refer to himself as Robin's 'daddy'?

*a beat*

Tim: um. yeah that's- that's new slang. it's from the- it's a league of assassins youth thing. don't question it.

Bruce: ...i am not touching that.

Tim: good choice.

*silence*

Bruce: shit, where's my phone?

Tim: -i have to go.

Lois: No, moron, it means that it heats the general space around it

Batman: “…and with that, I’d like to turn the discussion back to Superman, who is required to give mission approval alongside Diana and myself.”

Superman, who zoned out 14 minutes ago and forgot about his Midwestern accent: “yeah, no. yeah. I mean yeah. Yeah no, yeah.”

Damian's claim is that the manor is so big and Damian's so good at remaining hidden that he could live in the manor without anybody else there clocking him easy. Jason just wants to see how long he can actually go because in his mind the longer Bruce goes without realising he has Damian in the house, the funnier the reveal will be. he's actually kinda rooting for Damian purely because it's funnier if he pulls it off for a really long time first. then Jason can snitch on him and the fall-out will be glorious.

he lasts about four months.

two weeks in and Alfred becomes suspicious, but chooses to believe that it's raccoons or pigeons in the attic because then he doesn't have to get involved. and he really doesn't want to get involved.

a month in and Damian almost gets caught by Tim while trying to steal some food in the middle of the night and getting cornered in the kitchen, but Tim hadn't slept in three days and was high on cold medicine at the time so he assumed that Damian was actually a hallucination of Bruce as a child, and all he did was stare Damian directly in the eye and solemnly tell him 'never ask your parents to go see a movie with you.' before going to pass out in the study.

two months in and Damian has gotten into a rhythm with it. feeling unchallenged, he starts waiting for Bruce to fall asleep in front of the batcomputer during hard cases so he can sneak out from the walls and fix whatever Bruce is getting wrong and solving the case before he wakes up.

three months in and Dick runs into him while sneaking in through a side door so he can grab some stuff from his bedroom without having to talk to Bruce, but Damian bullshits that he's one of Tim's school friends visiting to complete a school project, and Dick gives him twenty dollars to promise that he won't tell anybody Dick is in the building.

four months in and he gets cocky; starts ordering packages to the manor addressed to himself. Alfred asks Bruce at the dinner table why they've received an amazon package for 'Damian Wayne' and nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. the next night the Red Hood snitches and asks how 'Damian's doing' and Bruce becomes convinced that Hood has the manor bugged. demands a full sweep of the building. Tim comes across Damian napping in a hammock in the attic wearing Tim's presumed-lost clothes next to a pile of supremely confidential files stolen from the batcave.

assdhghldhgg

Clark standing guard at the medbay door: “we can’t let you in. his secret identity could be—”

Dick: “Bruce Wayne.”

Clark: “—what?”