Discombobudating

“I thought you weren’t talking to Photographer Guy anymore,” said a friend of mine.

“No I’m not, this is the other one.”

“Ohhhh Crouch End photographer man?”

“No, the other one.”

You get the gist.

The trend is apparent: I’m drawn to photographers - something that shouldn't be a surprise given that photography has always been a strong interest of mine. I wonder if we’re all drawn to individuals who are professionals in areas that we’re interested in.

I work in Human Resources.

I’m learning a lot about myself through this process. I know that chemistry is of high importance to me, that a third arm is a no-no, and that you really shouldn’t have to meet anybody whose photo you have to squint at (really squint at) to figure out whether or not you find them attractive.

I’m also learning about my skills, the prime one being my ability to end things nicely, perfectly in fact, before they’ve even begun. I’ve exercised this skill a few times - most recently with Crouch End (tick) photographer (tick) man (tick) (hmmm, hang on…). Friends are even approaching me for said skill.

I’m always happy to discover that I have new skills, though I can’t help but see the irony that, when it comes to online dating, my key strength is the ability to end things nicely.

Him: I’m extremely adventurous in the bedroom, nothing scares me. What would you like me to do?

Me: I’d like you to cut me with a knife then drink my blood whilst making love to me.

I’ve gotten so lazy with my online dating, but recently decided to have a quick browse to see what I’ve been missing out on.

A photo of a man lying down, eyes closed, with his hands down his pants came up on my screen.

I have no words.

Facebook has just ‘suggested’ that Mr Perfect and I become friends! He’s looking as lovely as ever, with his perfect smile, perfect eyes, perfect gaze and perfect bloody guitar.

Grrrr.

Last weekend I hung out with a friend and her new boyfriend who she met on Tinder. I had to ask him a question that I, along with a few girlfriends of mine who have also dabbled in online dating, have been pondering: why do men ‘match’ you then not bother to have a conversation?

He summed it up pretty quickly: men 'right swipe’ every single profile - the 'multi-swipe’ - before sifting through their matches to decide who they really like.

This gives false hope: that moment of innocent happiness and intrigue when I match with someone has now been replaced with a large dose of cynicism.

Lesson number 10 - Don’t go to jokingly hit your date then actually give him a bloody good punch (clearly those Thursday boxing classes are paying off).

Lesson number 11 - Don’t request that he holds your mirror whilst you remove your contact lenses. Lots of poking and prodding at close range is not attractive.

So I haven’t updated for a good few days for two main reasons:

- I’ve been too busy/lazy to hunt and swipe - I’m only talking to one person (Mr Photographer) and it already feels so built up that I haven’t wanted to mention it on here and make it real.

Mr Photographer and I are meeting tomorrow after over six weeks of texting. This is long in the virtual world; in reality we’d have been talking but not meeting for over a decade.

Every time he says he’s excited to meet me I hide my phone, then, some ten hours later, reply with a very British ‘thank you’. He’s very lucky to be meeting me for a date.

Truth be told, I am excited too - he seems NICE and NORMAL and CARING and really INTERESTING that I don’t dare allow myself to entertain the thought that he might be interested and we’ll actually get on in person.

Of course I won’t tell him any of this. I’ll slap on that red lippy as soon as the clock strikes 5pm and I’ll be elegant as a swan (whilst quaking underneath).