obsidian

I can’t say I’m in the same place completely, which I’m not, but I know I didn't think I would find myself feeling similar or maybe even identical to what my body was doing to me this time last year, and once again its not my fault. I can’t place blame on something that I know isn’t my fault, because I know I deserve better, want better, and tried more than hard enough to believe that my efforts were meaningful and worth a little more than the time I believed I was worth.

But here’s the thing, it’s nobody’s fault, frankly I had expectations in people that I shouldn't have and I think that’s my own mistakes to blame. You can’t force someone to do anything, you can only ask, and its really up to them whether or not they choose to even fulfill what you wanted—or even asked them to do.

This isn’t about that. It’s about that I saw myself deteriorate and crumble into a pile of depression and anger that I thought would get better as situations got improved, but maybe there’s a little bit of a shock going through me that told me that it isn’t the case, and just a tad more anger that I had faith and believed I would be able to move along and overcome a period of depression with the help I had.

I just end up taking two steps back with one step forward I guess, and here I am feeling a sense of deja vu through my body as my heart feels like it’s giving up on me both figuratively and actually literally and there’s nothing else I can do about it.

Anger is a disgusting emotion, and so is hate. That, piled on top of anxiety, fear, and envy bring out the worst in a person and change how emotions are felt and situations are dealt with. But with realizing the feelings that run through you bring plenty of realization that maybe there’s another way of processing: apathy. And there’s nothing wrong with apathy. It somehow protects yourself, sure, it will push others away, but a wall will keep order in some cases, and just like you need others to respect your wall, you too need to respect your own wall, and other’s as well. Just like you need to need to remember that other’s have a life that isn’t yours, you need to remember that not everyone will take your life; whether it be a good one or a bad one, and respond positively for that. Others will put you down, make you feel like your feelings are right for you, that you deserve them, and that entitlement is a thing.

But some people grow, some people move on. Things change, people change, feelings change too. And sometimes you don’t think that the circumstances change others, and yourself, but it will.

You might not be the same person in a year, you might not be the same person in two years.

And as much as you believe and trust your heart and instincts, it’s really not entirely up to you how things play out. Just remember that.

And others may laugh at you. Others will hurt you. But it’s up to you to reduce their opinions to nothing and validate yourself.

I went natural sometime in November of 2013. I never kept track of the actual day. It was 10 years with relaxer & heat damage.

I big chopped on June 3, 2014 & today (May 1, 2016) I had a good hair day and decided to take a picture. I honestly wish I had better pictures to show my progress.

It’s been a long and semi-stressful natural hair journey, but I’m really proud of my progress and love my hair. I found more or less what works.

I can’t also thank enough the supportive people I’ve had in my life in terms of my hair and going natural.