Dinner With Stu

FUCK FUCK FUCK! We forgot to tell you! We're performing this Friday night at 7:30pm at the Upstairs Gallery as part of the Chicago Improv Festival's Open Stage series! WE'RE SUCH IDIOTS!

We've been so busy we just didn't even tell anyone! Busy with what, you ask? The Hold Steady finally released a new album last week (we've each listened to it about 40 times each!) and Jess got her 3rd root canal in a year (I'm not even joking a little!), and Mal went to Aspen to ski (ok! to drink vodka and take lots of pictures of herself!) Can you blame us? Didn't think so.

Come see our show! We will probably do some scenes about dental medical malpractice, the weird things that altitude can do to your body (aspen? more like gaspen, amiright?) and rock songs that make you feel all your feelings and more! WHAT FUN.

On Tuesday night we performed our stand up sets, thus murdering an item on our bucket lists. MURDERING.  

Oh what's that, you missed the show because you "had a previous commitment" or you "live out of town" or your "life doesn't revolve around us?" Well good thing we have it all recorded. 

Check out Jess's set here

Check out Mal's set here 

Feel free to pass these videos and our contact info along to your cousin who happens to be head of programming at Comedy Central or your old neighbor who is now director of comedy specials at HBO. [email protected]. We'll be waiting.

Mal and Jess took a look at their bucket lists and realized they both wanted to try stand-up comedy.  They were scared.  But they did it.  And now the day of reckoning has arrived. Come see them tear it up (that can be read as 'rip' or as 'cry' depending on a series of unknowns which will be determined on the night of.)

Last night, Miley Cyrus did a concert on MTV's 'Unplugged' and it was transcendent. Say what you will about everything else about her, but that girl has PIPES. And Dolly Parton is her godmother, which supersedes the douchiness of her real parents. And she seems pretty in control of her image. You know who doesn't seem in control of their image? Madonna.  She showed up at the end of the show to sing a mash-up of Miley's 'We Can't Stop' and her own 'Don't Tell Me'. And she started sticking her tongue out like Miley (and Miley shouldn't even stick her tongue out like Miley) and she started trying to country dance like Miley, and it looked like what I imagine Al Gore looks like when trying to dance, and my friend Kelly was like "that makes me think Madonna is bad in bed." And suddenly I was trying to picture Madonna in bed and all I could picture was an old lady doing sad line dancing in yellowed lingerie.

Mal here. Guys. Last week was huge for me on the (backhanded) compliments front.  This week I have gotten like basically zero (fronthanded or backhanded) compliments. FYI, I don't care what kind of compliments I get, as long as I get them. So, in an effort to up my self-esteem for the week, I'm going to take you back to the Week of The Mal and re-hash all of last week's compliments for all of you. You. Are. Welcome.

The lady who did my facial: Actual Words: "You have perfect skin for aging. So many pores but they're small. When everyone who never had a pimple in high school starts looking old, you're going to look amazing. Your oily skin will prevent wrinkles." Not so secret double meaning: You strike me as the type of person who did not have good skin in high school. Sucks to suck, huh? Don't worry, what goes around comes around. PS if I keep talking about your pores, you and I both know you'll come back to see me once a month. My feelings: SUCKS FOR EVERYONE WHO HAD GOOD SKIN IN HIGH SCHOOL! SUCKERS! IMMA BE FOREVER YOUNG LIKE THAT JAY Z SONG MOTHA FUCKAS!!!! And thank you for the 30% off on my next appointment- see you next month.

My (free!) trainer: Actual Words: "You have great muscle tone and you learn fast. We'll use lighter weights for your arms and build you a butt in no time." Not so secret double meaning: You bulk up quickly like a man, huh? And I can tell that you hate to fail. Gold star for you. PS noticing your non-existent ass is my fucking job. My feelings: To be fair, I told her that exercise makes my arms look manly. And to be fair, I've never had a butt and have always wanted one!  And did you guys hear what she said about my muscle tone and listening skills? Great! Gold star for me! Gold star for my free trainer! I feel GREAT.

My ex-boyfriend: Actual Words:"You look really skinny... are you okay? Are you sure you're okay?" Not so secret double meaning: It seems to me that you've given up pizza, thai food, and tacos, otherwise known as "happiness." It also seems to me that you've taken up exercise, otherwise known as "poison." Should I be worried about you? Is that still my responsibility? I don't think so, but I'm just covering my bases. My feelings: EAT YOUR HEART OUT! I'M DOING INCREDIBLY WELL! GUESS WHAT SIZE JEANS I WEAR NOW? SMALLER THAN YOU! FINALLY!

My tiny asian friend: Actual Words: "I'm so attracted to your emotional vulnerability." Not so secret double meaning: Listening to you talk about your feelings and worldview is like watching an episode of Girls in real time with more financial success and less nudity. How have you made it this many years with so many feelings? My feelings: LENA DUNHAM STOLE MY MILLIONS. If I weren't so lazy and feeling so many feelings I could have had a hit tv show and multi-million dollar book deal. That. Cunt.

Mal here. Today the weather in Chicago is a balmy -52 degrees Fahrenheit (but you knew that, didn't you?) The news is calling this weather system a Polar Vortex but I'm calling it My Bitch. Here are 10 reasons why the Polar Vortex is My Bitch.

Food: Yesterday there was a run on cheese pizza and tom yum soup at Trader Joe's (because obviously of course there was why wouldn't there be, both of these things are delicious). Guess who got the last of both? THIS LADY. FUCK YEAH. Polar Vortex, you are My Bitch.

Pants: A lot of times when you're in a Polar Vortex you want to wear more than one pair of pants to work but you're like "oh shit skinny jeans are in style and I can't fit all my leggings on under my jeans" UNLESS you recently lost 7 lbs due to a breakup induced hot yoga addiction and now your fat jeans are baggy jeans like in 1995 and your regular jeans are like mom jeans and you CAN fit 3 pairs of leggings on under ANY of your jeans like I did this morning. FUCK YES. Polar Vortex, you are My Bitch.

Presidents: Sometimes you have 4 episodes left in season 3 of West Wing that you've been trying to find time to binge watch. Other times you've been dying to watch Olympus Has Fallen since you saw the first trailer and you added it to your Netflix queue weeks ago but you've been saving it for a rainy day like you save your last 3 pieces of Halloween candy. But there are no rainy days there is just a Polar Vortex. And you get to watch President Bartlett AND you get to watch an airplane cut the Washington Monument in half in the same night. Sorkin! Explosions! Polar Vortex. Bitch.

Frozen Eyelids: This morning I got in the elevator and the guy next to me said "My eyelids froze 3 times on my walk from the train." And I was like "BULLSHIT." And then... My eyelids froze on my way home (see photo)! It felt like when you wake up after a night of heavy drinking and your eyes are so dry that you can't open them and you have to find water with your eyes still closed and it's like Russian Roulette. Well that happened but I was well practiced at it from my drinking and I fucking handled it like a boss. Vortex. Bitch.

Turtlenecks: Do you know how many turtlenecks I have in my wardrobe? Four. I have four turtlenecks and I wore them all today. All. If that Polar Vortex thought my neck was going to be cold then this Vortex is a BITCH.

Cheese and bread: I ate a whole wheel of Boursin cheese and a loaf of sourdough bread between last night and today. If this vortex thinks it's starving me out this vortex has another thing coming. Nothing gets between me and a wheel of Boursin. Bitch.

Amazon Prime: Guess who still crushes 2 day delivery during a Polar Vortex? Amazon Prime. That's who. My packages still arrived today (what fun! packages!!!!) even in a Polar Vortex. The Vortex is also Amazon Prime's bitch, and Amazon Prime is my life partner, so by The Transitive Property of The Amazon, the Vortex is my bitch.

Yoga: Today I was supposed to go to hot yoga after work (see above re: jeans). Hot Yoga! Can you imagine such a thing? I cannot! Neither could the yoga studio! They cancelled all classes on account of the vortex! But I'm sweating so much and my heart rate is so high watching Olympus Has Fallen that it's basically like I'm at hot yoga! Suck on that! Vortex, you bitch!

Timberlands: Before my freshman year of college I bought a pair of extra warm winter Timberlands because I was like "what's winter in Ann Arbor going to be like? Probably wintery." (news alert: not as wintery as this) and then I never really had the chance to wear them on account of the Ugg trend. Well guess who rocked her Tims all day today? THIS LADY BITCH PLEEEEASE VORTEX BITCH PLEASE.

Mal here.

Mal here.

Chicago has been rocking the Indian Summer my friends. Rocking it so hard. Speaking of rocking so hard….

The other night I went for a run on the lakefront trail and since I can’t run long distances due to a medical condition called Hating Running So Fucking Much, I stopped to do a few planks along the way. You know. Run a mile. Do some planks. Dry heave. Repeat. Because it was so nice out!!

For those of you who haven’t spent any time on Chicago’s lakefront trail, you should. It’s really a wonderful part of the city. Like its name suggests, the trail runs along the lake. And the city provides a beautiful backdrop. In the summer there are restaurants right there! It feels like vacation. It’s dotted with little parks and bits of greenery and skinny people and fat people and bikes and roller blades and babies and puppies and oh sigh. How lovely.

Anyhow, back to my fitness. I was planking in one of the beautiful parks and looked up from said plank to find a condom wrapper planking next to me. I guess some other people had been doing some other kind of planking where I was currently planking (ZING! Ya dig? Like doing it?!?!? Like PLANKING!!!!)

Because of course someone was having sex in the middle of a park right downtown in one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the country. Of course they were. Why wouldn’t they? Of course.

Mal here.

This article arrived in my inbox this morning. Some of my favorite facts are:

Women feel the ugliest on Sundays and Mondays. Uh yeah because on Sundays I don't get dressed and on Mondays I have to go to work. Those are two ugly things.

Also... women listed feeling lonely, depressed, and fat as sources of beauty vulnerability. UH DUH.

And finally...

A drop-the-mic-moment. I DIE for this.  Merritt, you are now my favorite best friend.  We will meet soon enough my dear.  

http://youtu.be/XbNRDyUN6Rg

Love,

Mal here. A pre-teen crush on Jordan Catalano was a little before my time but I thought some of my older, wiser, friends would enjoy this video of Jared Leto singing Rihanna's Stay. It's like really sexy. And even though I've only seen one episode of My So Called Life and all of my Jared Leto points of reference are him looking like a famine victim/Zooey Deschanel's ugly little sister, I'm told that at one point he was super hot stuff. And I see it now.

Mal here. I came across this article on the internets last week and emailed it to my parents with the subject line "This is me and it's your fault." My dad replied with a "So awesome.  I love you. You want to know why?  Because you are special." and my mom replied with a "Of course it's our fault!"

See? It's not my fault. AND I'm special. Nailed it.

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE! Bet you forgot this oldie but goodie existed. Well... you're welcome. Get after you guys.

XOXO,

Jess here.

You know when you’re 16 and you send your friends band lyrics from your favorite band and everything is very important and revelatory and spiritual.  Well, Mal and I just turned 16.  Get ready because probably all of our Screenshots for the next year are going to be about the Hold Steady show we just attended at Hideout Block party. Or another Hold Steady concert that we’ll soon attend because they’ll be touring for their new album…I guess we should change the name of this blog to the Hold Steady blog or The Unified Scene if you are like us and, like, really get it, you know?

In October of 2012, through some sort of serendipitous turn of events, Mal and I realized that we both fucking love the Hold Steady. Since our conversations are normally more about our mutual adoration for each other and less about music, it was a serious miracle we that discovered this fact.  We opined that maybe one day we’d see the Hold Steady together and we’d try to fight our way to the front row.  Well God is Great because less than a year later, we found ourselves at said concert in said row (though we didn’t have to fight our way up, just waltzed in like it was ours to take). And it was EVERYTHING.  And now everything else in our lives just seems a little greyer and a little sadder because it doesn’t involve Craig Finn.