Moving On...

Please share with me... How does this make sense?

1 person has viewed my online profile OKStupid.

95.  NINETY FIVE have liked me.

ZERO messages. 

Men..explain this shit to me.  I’m seriously pissed.  Why does NO ONE message me.  I’ve sent out at least 10 today and got ONE reply and it was “sorry not interested in dating anyone with kids.”

In the beginning of the year, I set specific goals.  Let’s see how I fared so far with only 3 months left:

1) Learn to stand up for myself against my ex.  He’s a narcissistic  sociopath and I will NOT let him walk all over me any more. (I’ve done very well at this during the year. I’ve learned to say NO and I’ve learned to battle when necessary)

2) Get promoted at work-  DID IT!  Promoted in Feb 2016.

3) Lose 25 pounds by Dec 31 2016.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Nope.  Actually gained 10 more!

4) Go on a date; possibly start a relationship with someone. Oh this one is laughable... nope...  not even anyone interested.

5) Work out my finances so I can quit working 7 days a week and finally recapture some time to myself on the weekends.  SO CLOSE!  I should be able to quit the second job by June 2017.

6) Start therapy and the healing process.  Started and finished...this was useful to a point but by the end I knew I didn’t need a shrink any more.

I’ve marked 2016 as MY year.  I’ve spent 33 years worrying about making everyone else happy and never spent a moment to think about making ME happy.  So this year I plan to do a few things just for ME:

1) Learn to stand up for myself against my ex.  He’s a narcissistic  sociopath and I will NOT let him walk all over me any more.

2) Get promoted at work (almost there!)

3) Lose 25 pounds by Dec 31 2016.

4) Go on a date; possibly start a relationship with someone.

5) Work out my finances so I can quit working 7 days a week and finally recapture some time to myself on the weekends.

6) Start therapy and the healing process.

Aug 10, 2015- I became officially divorced.  Only took 11 months from the original date of filing.  I’ve healed in some ways but definitely not entirely.  I’m in no way ready to start dating yet as my trust in others is still completely shattered.  I’m hoping to start seeing a therapist in the next week to help with all these left over scars...

So much happened since my last post.  Jackass’s fiance broke up with him in February 2015..and I found him walking into my second job asking to come live with me.  #hellnoasshole!  I was VERY nice and told him to go deal with his issues on his own time and turf.  Figure out his life; grow up.  In the mean time, I would allow him to continue visiting our daughter at my apartment on his weekends while he didn’t have a stable place to live.

Fast forward to today, February 4, 2016... He is finally searching for his own apartment so he can resume his weekend over night visits with our daughter. He’s also dating a new woman for the past few months and has asked me to meet her.  After the last implosion of his relationship with homewrecker, I imposed a strict “no women meet our daughter until i meet them first” rule.  Of course he’s not followed it but why should he change his ways now....

Been so long since I've posted- so much has happened and come about.  I've realizes that he's never going to change and once a cheater, always a cheater.  So- time to do what's good for me and for my daughter.  I need to not think about him.  

Do I still hurt?  A little bit.....yes.  I think that piece of me that he took and broke will never be the same.  I will forever be changed because of his actions.  I may never truly trust another man with my heart.  

Do I still love him?  In a weird sense of the emotion- yes.  He gave me my daughter.  I do not like him but in a way I do and always will love him

Would I ever take him back?  OH HELL NO.  You made your bed, now lie in it.  You walked out on your marriage and your family for another woman whom you already had impregnated....and the lied about it for over a year.  You are a scumbag and you deserve everything coming your way.

So here we are, the first holiday season alone.  No husband- and no child.  She's with him this holiday...so I can pick up a Christmas day shift at work and actually make my rent and am able to pay her daycare...since he's not paid me crap for child support to help with that freakin bill.

I wish a man out there could explain his actions.  How can he afford a brand new car, but he can't afford his child's care??  Is he purposely trying to screw me over?

I feel as if he's taking advantage of my nice heart.  My hard working nature...he knows that I won't let our daughter suffer just bc I am.  I will go without food and drink if it means she's taken care of.  She is my number one priority.

Fighting with my soon to be ex hubby...falling apart. Thankfully its all over text so he cant hear me cry.... I asked him to bring our daughter to a half way point on monday night when i pick her up instead of me driving an hour to get her... he blew up and told me it isn't fair.

It's been a little since I last tumbled....  been so busy trying to move forward.  Today was a tiny setback.  My daughter has been asking for my husband non-stop for about a week now.  Tonight she just had a meltdown.  How do you explain to a child who is not even two yet that daddy is a jerk and he walked out on us because he couldn't handle the stress of LIFE? 

I sat her down and told her that daddy doesn't live here any more; he's gone to live with another family.  He still loves her so very much but just doesn't love mommy.  I explained that no matter what happens between daddy and mommy....we both love her more than life itself.  Then I commenced tickling her!  

We rocked, read some stories, sang Twinkle Twinkle and "ACs" as she calls the ABC song...  Then it was bedtime for her.