dimitryi

they go through their lives making the best of the cards they are dealt with. and they live lonely, quiet lives clamouring onto every little sense of control they've never truly owned.

and we end up resenting them.

I always wonder what he thinks about when he looks at me, when I notice or otherwise. I wonder if he experiences the same sensation I do when my eyes graze his. I become a little shy when he tries to hold my gaze. Like if we look at each other for too long then he’ll find out about the secrets living in the corners of my mind. If my eyes searches his then perhaps he’d discover just how fond I am of him.

He makes me giddy, yet comfortable, and certain. Certain in a - I can rely on you way. Certain on a level where he’ll walk me to my side of the car, and he reaches for the door first. Where he allows me to go ahead of him in any and every circumstance, yet still having the ability to hold the room for us. Certain in a way that when he does things, he does it with intention.

I'm here to bet money that the new AM album will take station from Tranquility Base (>AM tbh) and is gonna adopt a sleazier, Miami backroom lounge sound and I'm fucking here for it. Um their new single's underwhelming.

I'm going through the rabbit hole of Marc Maron's podcast sheerly because I found out that there was a conversation with Jason Mantzoukas (who has fascinated me since his appearance on What's In My Bag). He deep dives into his background in religious studies and transcendental music before coming into comedy, and despite the allergy to eggs, what a life.

I sleep a lot now. It's easier to avoid things you don't want to deal with. Bob's Burgers has played in the background as I've slept, daily for the past three months. There are only so many episodes 12 seasons can give you before it loops back to the beginning.

I'm in the sixth cycle now. It's hard to part from something familiar. I watched a new film earlier, and I couldn't get to the end. I have a discomfort with things ending.

I would like to sleep again, for the next six hours until the next cycle. And although I've recaptured glimpses of me, I still feel detached from myself. I've struggled a lot with purpose, and sometimes it is the purpose of being here at all. You know.