Lazy as F...

Why can't I do anything right?

Why do people always see the wrong in me?

Can I ever be enough?

When can I truly feel that I belong?

She wants you to know that she knows that she wasn’t a choice and that hurts her even if she doesn’t want to. She wants to say sorry for she’s truly hurt and the only thing that can fix her is keeping her distance. She wants you to know that she feels neglected and it’s something she doesn’t want to feel anymore. She knows she deserve better than that and she knows you deserve the same. She wants you to know that she endured for a really long time but her heart is begging her to stop hurting and she wants that, too. 

She’s hurt knowing that you have someone who you need and trust far greater than her. She wants you to know it’s so painful for her to pick up all your broken pieces and fix you only to be with someone else when you’re fine again. She wanted you to know she isn’t so cruel for she left knowing somebody else is there for you, just that this time, it won’t be her anymore. 

She’s truly sorry for being selfish that she gave you up. Maybe she’s the person who was meant to touch your life but wasn’t meant to stay.

Entry #1.

October 8, 2015 /  11:15 AM

I don’t know why I started doing notes like this so late. I should’ve done it sooner. But for the purpose of monitoring my moods and some new changes, I obliged myself to do a diary containing the matter above. Hoping I can tract the moods whenever it rises and falls.

Now, today I was at work. Busy with some budget hearings here and there. It was exhausting especially when you run around the hall for some matters, literally. I was also a bit talkative and loud for some reason. (Is it the coffee’s fault?) But in short, I had fun even though I am tired.

Then at around quarter to 9, I got home. Watched some dramas on the tv with my family. It was ok then until I was talking with my friends via chat on Facebook. We were planning for a birthday plan tomorrow for our friend and I just want us all to hang out. But some problems are getting in the way and it’s frustrating. All of a sudden I have this rage building up inside. Like I want to bash someone and hate everything. My mood quickly changed that easily. It’s freakin’ weird.

I’m still a lil bit in rage but it is slowly cooling off till that rage becomes loneliness. To what? I DON’T FECKING KNOW. I’m upset at everything. My mind says, “Alright, let us contemplate on the negativities of your darling life, honey.” But no matter what I feel right now, I couldn’t cry. Really. My tears are not falling like I want them to. And I still don’t know why. *sigh*