Iβm pretending all the time to be, kinder, stronger, funnier, more sociable than I am. I guess weβre all like that but it just feels so inadequate.
Whatβs the difference?
I know it sounds flippant but⦠certain things are fundamentally performative.  And other things are so close as makes no difference.
Kindness is performative. Β Actions are kind, and people are kind by performing those actions. Β You canβt βpretendβ to be kinder than you are, you can only perform kindness or not perform kindness, and choosing to perform kindness is always worthwhile, no matter how much you may second-guess your motivations.
Strength is so many things. Β It takes strength to pretend a strength you donβt feel. Β And the way to achieve strength is to exercise it, so long as you do it in enough moderation to not strain or break anything. Β Being able to affect strength when necessary while being able to put it down again when that in turn is necessary is healthy. Β Everyone starts weight training with the littlest weights. Β Itβs not fake or pretending to do what you gotta do in any given situation.
Funniness lives in the interlocutor, not in the speaker. Β It doesnβt matter how funny you think you are (or think you are pretending to be) - thatβs not how itβs measured. Β At what point are youΒ βpretendingβ to be a musician if the music still gets made? Β And often what itβs tempting to describe in first person asΒ βpretendingβ is more accurately described in the third person asΒ βpracticingβ - which is of course the way you cause things to Be.
Sociability is also performative. Β Pretending to be sociable is justβ¦being sociable, despite a disinclination towards it. Β Itβs making an effort towards something you value. Β So long as the effort is not so great that it backfires into resentment, thereβs no practical difference. Β
Qualities or activities or whatever are no less worthy because you have to actively choose to perform them. Β If anything, the worthiness lies in the act of choosing. Β Itβs notΒ βpretendingβ - itβs agency.
tl;dr:Β ainβt nothing wrong withΒ βfake it till you make it.β Β A plastic spoon* holds just as much soup as aΒ βrealβ one
* I keep wanting to talk about semantic domains! Β Artifacts are defined by their utility, whereas living things are defined by their identity. Β So plastic forks are still forks, but plastic flowers arenβt flowers. Β So thereβs two pep-talk messages to take away from this: (1) for certain things, the distinction betweenΒ βfakeβ andΒ βrealβ isnβt a relevant one so long as they still get the job done, and (2) the purpose of a living thing is to be the thing that it is. Β The idea of aΒ βuseless personβ is as semantically nonsensical as the idea ofΒ βpretend kindnessβ (or fake cutlery).
I love this post. It illustrates what I think is maybe the key difference between a developing self-identity and a formed self-identity, which is, likeβ¦confidence?Β If you are BEING kind, consistently, if you are prioritizing that over your own comfort or fatigue or even, occasionally, your emotional inclination (because OH MY GOD FUCKΒ THIS GUY, I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HEREβuuughhh, but no, Iβm not gonna lash out at him, that wonβt accomplish anything, and besides, heβs probably had a bad day, heβs under a lot of stress, I donβt have to be an asshole about thisβ¦), guess what? That makes you kind. That is literally what kindness is. Same for patience, same for strength, same for all of this stuff. You got it. Youβre doing it. Youβre not faking anything. Stop second-guessing yourself and cutting yourself down. Give yourself enough credit to look at your actions and confidently assert to yourself that you are no longer just making things up as you go.Β
