dihdevi

recommending playing the song before reading(maybe the chorus).

i love my guitarist

forgive me, everyone whom i have let down.

i'm not sure if i'm allowed to talk about this, but sometimes my heart feels weary and i feel like i should.

sometimes i miss my best friend. sometimes i wish things had gone differently.

i blame it on my stress, i blame it on everything else, but my subconscious makes me miss them. i know i'm not supposed to.

i can't talk to anyone about it, cause i'm forbidden. my parents ask me alot about them which makes me feel shittier than i always do. they liked my best friend.

after we stopped talking, i found out some bad things about my best friend. it shocked me at the moment, but my subconsciousness replays the past memories we had and makes the truth go away. it's like you want to forget that person, but they were so pure and more kinder to you then anyone else you've ever known once, but the truth is they had some secrets they didn't tell you. and they still didn't till i left. i had to find it out myself.

it's funny.

i suppress my feelings for a really long time, but somedays it just escapes and hits me like a ton of bricks, maybe because of some certain songs, some thoughts, some places, so and so.

i wish that we never had that weird phase in between us and i had that gut feeling but i didn't trust myself and i ended up ruining us. i wasn't fully responsible, we both have our faults. but i apologise for mine.

and i can never make myself say it to your face, because-

i'm a coward.

but oh wait, we don't see each other anymore, do we?

even if we did, we just pass on, pretending each other has never existed.

sometimes i have dreams about you. i replay our memories while i'm asleep or maybe alter them a bit. but it ends up becoming a "nightmare". well, if we were still friends, it would've been considered wholesome; not anymore i guess.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to still have you around. you as my best friend. you would support me, you'd be happy i found someone who loves me, you would cheer me on- we would've hung out like we used to.

i wonder how it feels to have my best friend back, go on fests with them, dance with them, make fun of them, talk about annoying guys or cute guys, go devour some food, go shopping, play games and so much more.

my subconscious misses the old us, how we were when we became good friends. i look past whatever mistakes we both did in the end because i feel like it should've never happened. or maybe i'd feel the guilt again for ruining what we had, i don't know- i've always been stubborn.

if we were to run across each other again, i'd look at you one last time and smile, because i think you deserve it for the last time, as a final goodbye. if we never did see each other ever again, then i hope that someday you will come across this post and forgive me for everything. i know very well i sound pathetic, but i think about when i was lying in my hospital bed, crying out of happiness because i survived. i survived and at that time in my life there was only one person who cared enough, them.

now i don't know what really happened after that, but i healed.

after i left, i saw who they truly were- i hoped it was not true. i hoped that my eyes were deceiving me. i hoped i was wrong. i still do.

i am the ceiling

i am looking down at the person who lives in this room

they look quite tired.

everyday they stare at me, and i stare at them back.

sometimes they stare at me and cry- i must be that beautiful that they teared up.

sometimes they stare eerily

sometimes they smile-thinking about something, or someone.

i can't help but feel pity at what they have become.

sometimes they have nightmares when they sleep

sometimes, if they're lucky- maybe a good dream.

they seem to repeat the same schedule every day

i wonder if they get tired of it

or- at least my days at one shitty school is over.

i can't wait to see what's coming for me next- at this point i'll just take what i get.

everything feels lighter, i'm staring at my computer screen removing all those bitches from my following lists. i won't have to face them ever again

what is happening help

i thought i made good friend for once

why do the sweetest people always turn out to be like this

I don't want to go back to being depressed. I can't when there's people around me who love me.

even if that number is small, I'll make them feel like they don't help, which will hurt them too.

I'm drifting to that place I don't want to go back to-

Ranting to a website won't do

hellhole

how did i get to this point?

maybe you get used to the loneliness so much that you start liking it, and then attention becomes the last thing you want, you start nesting yourself in your solitude, cause you find it more comfortable than interacting with someone now.

i've lost faith in humanity, geniunely.

I find myself with wounds that bleed again before it heals- glistening and boiling with the anger and grief i've hid within me.

sometimes you feel like a boiling kettle, waiting to scream it all out, except you get shut down right before you can scream.

you implicate more wounds on yourself cause you feel like it wouldn't make much of a difference

some days, you feel like carving your eardrums out, so you wouldn't hear the rotten, vile, hisses of the snakes around you, suffocating you in their madness.

this is day 7 of not sleeping

that is one week

i lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling

into a void of nothing, a void of my own thoughts

a week of losing my sleep

but a lifespan of losing- in general.

if i fall asleep the monsters will come back

and if i don't, well- i'll slowly go insane.

there isn't much of a choice i have here

i'm not gonna take any more pills,

even if it meant i couldn't sleep

sometimes they're tempting,

they call out to me

a week of insomnia

I've actually been holding it in for so long. My access to internet has been restricted, so I found myself fighting my own thoughts till I got the opportunity to spill it out.

Guess who's back into my life- Insomnia.

surprisingly, it's not the stressful exams keeping me awake.

i'm 6 year old me again, fighting with the monsters under my bed trying to stay awake so they don't catch me.

except back then it was imaginary. i saw things which weren't real. but this time?

the monsters are real, they're in the real world, as living, breathing humans. they come to me while i'm awake, while i'm asleep, all the time.

those monsters hide the horrible things they say with smiling faces- some say horrible things to me with smiling faces, which is even more psychotic.

the feeling of being watched, observed, preyed on by a bunch of lustful hyenas makes me sick to my stomach.

it really is fucking exhausting.

moreover, i get nightmares about things i wish i'd forgotten, things i said, and most importantly-

the people who have broke my heart.

im not all innocent, there's so many regrets about the things i did, and it all came back.

sometimes i cry because of the betrayal, the hurt, the hate

sometimes about the friends i lost or the fake ones i have right now

i try my best to be nice to everyone.

i really, really do try to make everyone happy.

im used for my prettiness, my niceness, how vulnerable i am.

pretty priviledge doesn't give you shit

maybe being nice was the problem

should i start being the bitch everyone thinks i am?

people live based on assumptions, not facts

hence i've made it my lifelong principle to always validate assumptions

people live based on assumptions, not facts-

so they suck on every small rumor like a greedy leech and watch it bleed out

thats easier than seeing the truth, after all

the song i played before i did it.

im disgusting

when do i stop getting left out and when will anyone realize my worth

all i do is just exist on the sidelines

when will this nightmare end

when will i be loved for who i am

when will the rumors stop

im not a bad person, im not a whore, i do things so i am loved, but it never makes a difference, i never hurt anyone

i feel like disappearing but it would barely make a difference

when do i get to be loved

when will they all stop

when will i stop getting lusted over