Whatever it takes

I did not write the document being shared around.

The ‘evidence’ of me doing so (the modlog) was something I sent to the person who initially wanted to report the server for the content in the underage thread. I sent it in as proof it was gone in hopes they wouldn’t compromise the entire server and everyone in it by reporting.

(In case anyone reading this isn’t aware, when TOS breaking material is shared on a server, everyone in it can get their accounts banned and even if unbanned, they are ‘marked’ for a couple years, regardless of involvement.)

It was also sent to a couple people who were concerned with the presence of the content, or even left because of it once Charlie sent a message in the thread and alerted everyone of its existence by pushing it to the top of the list, as well as drawing attention to what was in it by telling the members to stop sending images in there.

(I remember when a member inquired about the rule change, Charlie said it was just a general statement, that nothing had happened.)

I do not hold Anti/Fandom Cop beliefs.

(It is worth pointing out though, a user who had been kicked for racist AUs and talks was re-invited to the server after I left).

I do not engage in anti or proship discourse, yet everyone was so quick to call me a hypocrite because the underage thread was brought up and I happen to dabble in gore and heavy angst. I simply do not engage with things that I don’t want to see, and I mentioned this multiple times in the server in regards to content that’d trigger my PTSD. I also explained to the other mods that I couldn’t personally moderate the underage thread when I found out about it, and I don’t think I need to explain why this is.

I didn’t know of the thread’s existence until it was brought up to me in regards to a report due to the TOS breaking images in it, and Charlie had not been moderating it for their own reasons.

My angle was never one of censorship. Every time I brought up the thread it was through the context of how it could jeopardize the server and the members if a report came in, never under Anti mentality like how people have been accusing me of. Or it was to point out raceplay discussions and art that were in the thread, despite Charlie being vocally against it and previously kicking members who engaged in racist rhetoric.

I did not harass or target anyone.

All my interactions with the black member Charlie accuses me of targeting (Named A for anonymity) were cordial and I only talked to them a total of three times in DMs.

(These will be paraphrased for the sake of keeping their anonymity).

Once because I, as a mod, asked A to take a breather because they had been having a public meltdown for hours and people were feeding into it rather than worrying for their wellbeing. Their friend B called me names, accused me of racism (despite me being a brown person who faces racism on the daily and was looking out for another person of colour, while they are white) for it, and refused to let me speak. B only calmed down after Charlie, their friend and a white person, told them to stop.

As far as I know, no action was ever taken about B’s outburst other than a talk where they excused it as being off their meds and never apologized to me, only to Charlie. Meanwhile, I talked things through with A and made sure to clarify I never meant any harm by asking them to take a breather. It was my impression they understood, they explicitly agreed with me they needed a break, and the conversation ended with me encouraging them to voice their thoughts more because I’d always support them in calling out racism in fandom.

Another time, simply to let them know they could make a thread to compile their ideas since they had been discussing a topic at length and it’d be easier to archive and look back on that way.

The last time was when I asked them to please be respectful and stop bashing a popular Isat AU. I let them know they were justified in criticizing and disliking it, but that it was making people who enjoyed the content very uncomfortable, as it was less constructive criticism and more airing out every grievance with the AU and its characterization. I also explained why this particular topic was extra sensitive in the server, I let them know the discussion for that AU had previously gotten so toxic and intense it reached the writer and the thread on it had to be deleted.

They expressed regret and asked if they should delete their messages. I said no, please just keep it in mind for the future and the best apology they could give was changing their behaviour.

For extra context, by this point I had gotten multiple reports of them doing this in the past with multiple topics.

As a sidenote, if you want a couple examples of what A and their group were up to and the kind of reports I received; a couple of them were:

Shit-talking Isabeau and anyone who liked him constantly and cutting off conversations about him, on grounds of him being white.

Accusing everyone who liked Isafrin of racism.

Insisting a fic writer must be racist because they didn’t write enough Mirabelle, or her as the protagonist, in an Isafrin fic another member was promoting for fun and lighthearted discussion.

Despite seemingly accepting they simply messed up, and me comforting them as best as I could, letting them know no one was angry at them, A went to Charlie saying I had been targeting and harassing them. Charlie acted without any evidence and forbade me from talking to them, then later admitted nothing I said was bad, that they had been too harsh on me and that nothing I said to A was even rude.

I’ve been told they continued this behaviour after I left, arguing with server members, bashing people’s fanfiction recommendations and fic writers in the process; causing a fandom critique channel to get deleted after a particularly nasty fight with other members.

Charlie misrepresented my character to protect themselves.

When I left and people inquired about me, they told everyone that I was petty, had poor judgement, that I leaked private matters and that I had been unfairly harassing a black user. Any message asking about me or arguing with them was deleted, the announcement about me becoming mod was deleted. Most if not all of the conversation directly after I left is completely gone.

(I'm using the screenshots shared in the doc, as I’m not in the server anymore, and I only know about these conversations because people informed me of them).

Despite what Charlie claims here, I continued to get multiple reports on this group’s behaviour. And, again, continued to be told it wasn’t a problem.

In fact, the reports continued even after I left.

This next image was my last message before leaving, right after I sent in my resignation letter and Charlie refused to read it. I watched them immediately start typing after I sent it in without doing as much as glancing it over and got pissed.

How would you feel if you tried your best to advocate for people who felt they had no voice in the server, got repeatedly dismissed and told these issues weren’t a problem, and, as a person of colour, were told to take a more hands off approach when it came to racial issues like race based preferential treatment, racial biases and racist writing; and to instead leave it to the white people?

And again, the behaviour persisted. Not once was there any known reprimand for this group’s frankly nasty and abusive behaviour. While all their venom and spite was public, any talk and promise of improvement was kept between them and Charlie and not once did I see any sort of change. If anything, they got more comfortable with their bully behaviour and saying whatever they wanted without consequence.

Now, this had been going on for a while, it was not a one off thing. Many times I’d inform Charlie of a report I received, or question a situation as it was happening and be met with the answer that it’s not a problem, that the issue had already been resolved and didn’t need moderating. Yet the behaviour persisted.

Multiple times I received reports of either A, B or their third friend I will refer to as C; and got chastised by Charlie for simply asking them to keep things civil. I consistently got told things would be fixed and they’d have a talk with them. Charlie was the only one who participated in these talks and could even confirm they happened. I was not informed of them or told what happened other than ‘Yeah they’ll tone it down’ to no change. The other mod didn’t participate in any discussion in mod-chat, so I doubt they were involved either.

If you want to see a clear example of this, this doc has done a wonderful job compiling one of the biggest incidents.

There were many, many more but I feel the dogpile of a new member and Charlie’s involvement is more than enough proof things were never right in regards to racial conversations.

Anyone who has access to the server can see many other instances of this group’s doing, as their words were never censored or deleted. Anyone who spoke publicly against them, even in good faith was labelled a racist or bullied into silence.

Yet, I was the one blamed for the issues in the server.

Charlie says that I am unable to handle this conflict fairly because of loyalty to my friends (Despite them showing it’s them who has this bias). I take this to imply that I am too emotionally invested to be able to make decisions regarding this situation, that I am too emotional to make choices for the safety of the community.

Charlie, a white person, is telling a person of color that they are too emotional about the topic of racism to make fair calls about it.

There is a known history of white people calling POC too emotional or irrational to be in positions of power or responsibility, a pattern that Charlie is continuing. Instead, they have decided that only the white people (as I was the only mod who was a POC) are rational enough to make the calls on handling racism in their community.

Despite my best efforts to address these issues calmly and professionally, I was still labelled emotional, unfair, and unfit to have any sort of power in the server.

To give some more context, by the time Charlie sent me this dm, I had already written a resignation letter outlining my issues with the server and resigning from my position if that’s how they wished their server to be run. I know it has been shared around, but I’ll add it here for anyone who wishes to re-read it.

I'm leaving my position and the server because I truly do not agree with how this server is being currently run. There's been so much inaction against bad actors, and inaction in general, because why am I the only one bringing up these issues, modding the chat and debating you into acting? You letting them hide behind righteous morals and supporting their actions and baseless accusations has created a space of hostility and fear that is no longer the welcoming space I joined about a year ago.  I understand the majority of the server is white and needs to hear about these topics, and it's one thing to give room for debate and discussions of inequality and biases, but you've allowed these to become fear tactics. The server has turned into one where people can't engage with media they enjoy or join discussions with an entire group because they might be attacked like I was. Or like [1], who used to be their friend, but got dropped as soon as she dared to disagree with them. Or like [2] was, over what was frankly a stupid, minor misunderstanding and miscommunication. You've let people get away with hostility and frankly bully behaviour because you don't want to cause them distress or think it's witch hunty.  But you need to ask yourself, are these people being targeted or are they simply behaving in ways that deserve to be called out frequently? What you've been doing with putting these people on an untouchable pedestal is no different than the racism you're allegedly fighting against, you're still dehumanizing them by not treating them like people who can make mistakes and need to called out when they do. It's not witch hunty nor is it any sort of anti black tactic (as you, for some reason, think) to keep order in your server. Giving them preferential treatment based on race is very shitty of you. Just because [A] is black doesn't mean he's excused for his racist and misogynistic writing, projection or not. And even if he was, he's still writing asian stereotypes with Odile. It's an insane double standard to let [A] talk about whatever he wants but saying we need to keep an eye on [3] for participating in racist conversations despite both of them being black. You're taking the word of this group over the one of so many other POC who don't agree with the way they conduct themselves or have these conversations (including me, [1], [4] and [3]) and none of them feel safe in the server anymore. We never asked them to be kicked or silenced, but rather to have their frankly unacceptable behaviour checked.  You can argue you've talked to them and done your part, but if I'm getting messaged about how 'x and y are doing it again' so often by people who tell me they can't trust you to interfere, either because you're on their side or because you're their friend, then that's beyond anything I can do or manage myself. I shouldn't have to defend you, this space, and how kind and friendly most members are to people who have been intimidated or had their view of the entire server soured by this group.  I truly wish this server well, but I can no longer say I'm happy to be part of it. And I'm not gonna stress over its wellbeing when it's become so unwelcoming.

For clarity, A is the black member previously discussed, and the group mentioned is their friend group consisting of B (White person) and C (Another POC), who had previously targeted many users, caused trouble, were generally unpleasant to be around and only relented when Charlie stepped in (if they did).

A couple other users who had been sending in reports on this group’s behaviour or had been targeted by them are also named, but will be censored as 1, 2, 3 and 4.

That was meant to be the end of it. Agree to disagree. And you could argue I was petty for sending that last message. But it also led to people bringing up their grievances with the server, so I can’t say I regret it. I will admit I was angry that I felt so dismissed, that a white person was blaming me for all conflict and stress when I was bringing up issues with racism.

What I could not imagine was that the narrative Charlie would spread was one of me being biased, a petty liar, and that I was engaging in anti-black tactics.

Nor did I expect 90% of the server would buy into it without a second thought and very easily decide that I was now their enemy.

Again, I ask, how would you feel if you tried your best to advocate for people who felt they had no voice in the server, got repeatedly dismissed and told these issues weren’t a problem, and, as a person of colour, were told to take a more hands off approach when it came to racial issues like race based preferential treatment, racial biases, and racist writing; and to instead leave it to the white people? And then everyone hated you for it, on a white person’s word alone.

A server that you had previously considered a welcoming space, where you thought you had friends, had suddenly turned on you, a minority, for pointing out issues with racism and biases from the owner. Said owner, a white person in total power and privilege, didn’t even have to give a shred of evidence for their accusations. Everyone blindly believed them and refused to hear any reason.

On their word alone you were labelled a piece of shit, a hypocrite, told you deserved to die, that you only bring drama, that you are a liar who cannot be trusted.

And at no point did Charlie, the owner of the server, stop them.

In fact, when the server publicly bashed me because they thought I was the writer of a document discussing the underage thread, Charlie didn’t stop them either. In fact, they encouraged it and even said themselves that they thought it was me.

At no point were any of the users reprimanded for the way they spoke of me.

The server, in fact, the fucking echo chamber of yes men it is, turned this into praising Charlie for the space they had created.

Again, no one was penalized. Charlie never cleared the air or admitted their mistakes. As far as I’m aware, they never admitted to lying about me, they never publicly admitted any fault or missteps in their handling of anything.

Not once have they admitted that as a white person, they turned an entire server and some of its biggest fandom creators against a brown person to make themselves look better.

I have been blocked and shit-talked by fandom creators I looked up to, artists whose work I enjoyed, writers whose work I admired. Most of this god forsaken fandom has turned against me. All on a white person’s word.

A second document dropped with even more evidence of Charlie’s mistakes and lies, but judging by how the server reacted to The Bitter Ocean situation (instantly dismissing it as nothingburger drama and Not Even Fucking Reading what the situation was about), I genuinely doubt anyone bothered to read it either. I doubt anyone in that server of 99% white people cares, they’d rather get back to writing their porn and jacking off than give a minute of their lives to thinking about racial issues.

They don’t care about unjust treatment and lies, they don’t care about the racism Charlie is displaying and instilling. No one bothered to get my side, and if I tried to speak on it they quickly dismissed me and blocked me. They’re happy to cause as much harm as they want, just as long as they get to keep their ‘freak’ community and bond over dismissing minorities.

It’s sadly common, white queers often think their minority status in regards to sexuality or gender negates any racial bias. Add on that they are ‘freaks’ for what porn they enjoy and they somehow think they’re exempt from anything.

And I’m not calling anyone who instantly took their side a bad person, I understand it’s easier to blame everything on someone who isn’t there anymore. It’s much easier to say that apos was a piece of shit and everything is just and right now in the land of the freaks.

But I’d like people to consider why they were so quick to cast judgement on me, someone they know is not white. Why were they so quick to believe Charlie, a white person with all the power and privilege in the server?

Is it because Charlie writes? I write too, in fact, Charlie has praised my work before.

Is it because Charlie draws? I draw too, and frequently took requests from the server.

Is it perhaps because Charlie is white and I’m not?

Is it because Charlie holds all the power here, and can easily rewrite the narrative?

Is it because they cared about the situation and the harm they caused me so little, that during their apology to me they were chatting and playing games with other people?

I’m genuinely on my hands and knees begging everyone to use their brains and the best most of them could come up with is ‘nuh uh’.

People have contacted me just to tell me that even after more evidence has come out, they don’t regret what they said.

I’ve even had to close my askbox because of the amount of hate I was receiving.

As a conclusion, I will leave you with this screenshot from Charlie. Cut to preserve the anonymity of everyone else mentioned in the rest of the message.

It is scary! Although to you, it’s scary when it happens to your friends and it’d make you look better to fight against it. You’ve shown it's totally okay when you’re the one leading the charge against someone you don’t like.

And congratulations, because it worked. No one in this echo chamber of a server thought to use their brain for more than five seconds and consider ‘Hey, maybe apos isn’t all those things?’ Or ‘I’ve talked to apos before, that doesn’t sound like him!’ You’ve surrounded yourself with so many bigots who value their own comfort and interests over the safety of minorities, that launching a hate campaign against a brown man is seen as okay.

You publicly used a black person as a shield to protect yourself from criticism, while privately denouncing their actions too.

You claim to be outspoken against racism in your server, but it’s okay when it benefits you and your narrative to be the poor victim who did nothing wrong, and it was in fact all on ‘that nasty monkey’ that got kicked for being (allegedly) a piece of shit.

You should consider why the server is mostly white and many of the people of colour have left. You should consider why they all felt so comfortable dogpiling a brown man that they were previously friendly with, on your word alone. You should consider why they felt comfortable calling me racial slurs in your defense.

And congratulations, the anti-black tactics you spoke of worked, because I’m not setting foot in this fandom ever again.

Any writing I’ve done for this god forsaken fandom will be deleted, as well as any art.

After this post, my askbox will be open for anyone to call me whatever they want, as I don’t particularly care anymore. I’d rather they vent their racism and venom against my deaf ears rather than the many other POC struggling to fit into this fandom.