I Die A Little Each Day

Wow. Great Daddy. But why am I surprised? He’s always been horrible to me as a husband and horrible to our kids as a dad...why would I expect any more from him as my Daddy? He tells me I should trust him and rely on him and he’s upset that I’ve never really needed him. Thank God I’m a capable person but he has to decide. Am I supposed to count on him, or not. He can’t have it both ways. He said he’d be my Daddy and take care of me. But he made it three days as my Daddy. THREE DAYS!

He’s been her’s for a year and she couldn’t be happier. Speaking of which he flat out told me he has a “great fucking time” with her. But I frustrate him. He told me she smells better, tastes better and is more fun than being with me. With her it’s nothing but roses and sunshine. With me it angry and yelling and hitting and silent treatment and frustration. He says he wants to be with me but the things he continues to do with her and refuses me says otherwise.

Did I mention he hasn’t cum with me the last two times we were together? But she’s so awesome he fucks her, cums and fucks her again. They have shower sex, meanwhile I cry thinking about how many times he’s done that with her compared to ZERO in the last year with me. In the last month, I could name so many times he hasn’t cum, lost his erection or didn’t even want to touch me (and let’s not talk about oral!). No matter if he has 10 minutes in her or six hours, he always gets off with her. And he drives 2-3 hours to do so while I sit at home and be treated like second (or third or fourth) best.

Three days. That’s as long as he could take it with me. But after a year, he’s still going strong with her (and after three years he’d jump at the chance for that other one...and same for any of his other repeats no matter how long). He said he might not be able to do that well for super long as my Daddy but jeeze three days. He’s spent more time that on a trip with Mindy. Why the *fuck* would the person with the lower sex drive be the one who spends six hours in a hotel room with someone else while the “higher sex drive” spouse gets ignored? Why?! I’ll tell you why, because just like before when he lied to me for years saying that he “never thought about sex”, the truth was he never thought about sex with ME. And now it’s the same thing all over again. He doesn’t have a sex drive with me, only with her. Just like he told me he didn’t like doing oral. He just doesn’t like doing it with ME. Also, he’s not bothered with four other women because he’s satisfied with her. But he’s not satisfied with me, as he continues to spend hours with her despite the toll it takes on me. (You tell me who he loves and who he tolerates.)

He even had the audacity to talk about how he’d help any lady friend even if they didn’t have a sexual relationship. I sent him a list of four things he could do to help me during a very stressful time and a week and a half later, I was having to do the things myself in order to throw him a birthday party. He did one thing half way! And two weeks later, he still hasn’t done the stuff.

He insists it’s all in my head and then turns around and admits how she’s better and he prefers her and how he’ll never give me the effort he give her. How on earth is someone who has given her life to someone supposed to just take it and be happy while he enthusiastically gives to her and ignores my requests. This is why I left him a year ago. And there have been a lot of days that I wish I would not have come back.

I’m supposed to put myself first but that’s a little hard to do as long as I’m married to someone who would rather give his time to someone else...anyone else not under the same roof. If he stopped the LS, he still wouldn’t appreciate me. I mean if he doesn’t appreciate everything I’ve been doing for him for 36 years, 25 years, 5 years, 3 years...he’ll never stop taking me for granted. And his treatment of me is never going to get better no matter how much he likes to make himself look good in front of other people.

Every excuse, he gives to me, I solve and he just comes up with another. We are at home instead of a hotel, so I get a hotel. The kids will hear, so I get a room across the resort. We don’t have time, so we go on vacation. He doesn’t remember, so I remind him. He doesn’t know, so I tell him. I make him think I want something else, so I’m very clear and specific. I don’t need him, so I become his sub, his CQ, his BabyGirl. He doesn’t like the hair, so I wax. He doesn’t like the taste, so I clean and only direct him there when I feel fresh.

She’s so enthusiastic, and yet that’s what I’ve been every day for over five years even after 36 years together, most of it being pretty shitty. He need to pee, so I make sure he starts there. He wants to finger me so I offer that. It’s a bad angle, the beds not right, he doesn’t have traction, there’s other people around, someone will see. He even told me he didn’t want bathroom sex even though I suggested it for years. But she wants it and boom! Add in elevator play and what other conclusion can I draw except that he’s just not that into me and she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him.

I was so upset last night when i got two pieces of news about two stores

One of them means I’ve got to launch a full scale investigation and pull together all this evidence have people arrested and fired and change the locks, get the security cameras fixed and reinstate the alarm system and also hire and train all new management and some staff.

So last night I’m stressed. This morning I have alarms to get up and go to the store to handle it all and I’m having to make it up as I go along and just going to the stores stresses me out but under these circumstances I felt it all inside me like I was going to puke and or faint

First thing this morning he wakes up I’m already awake and dreading the day. He looks at me alarmed as asks what’s wrong. I tell him and he says oh. He lays in bed while I shower and dress. I pack my bag to go and he disappears (into a bathroom??) so I leave

He never writes me all day

He never checks on me

I assume he’s cancelled first thing this morning with you and did the dinner shopping that he didn’t do the other day since he didn’t come with me which is what I really needed (he’s like my emotional support animal by his presence).

I come home to find he didn’t go grocery shopping, is dressed and putting on deodorant to leave and has communicated with you to make sure it’s still on.

And he says well I didn’t know what you wanted

I said, why didn’t you ask? You asked her if it was still on. If you were genuinely confused. Why didn’t you ask. And he said I should have TOLD him while I was at work (without him) that I needed him to stay home today. But he never once checked in me or offered to come along.

When I got home and realized he was leaving I lost it. And so of course he yelled at me and told me I’m psycho.

I said you knew I was upset and having you with me calms me down. There were several jobs piled up there that he’s over due doing anyway.

Flew in Wednesday afternoon

Took care of him really quick and explained that this was quick travel day sex and he’s have to make it up to me the next day

The next day i had to coax him into even touching me and once again he was quick although not quite as quick

We didn’t leave the room until 11a

Next day we got back to the hotel at three hours earlier than we thought and year, nothing

Next morning, we didn’t leave the room until after 11a again but still nothing

That day we got back to the hotel by 4p and back to the room about 10p

Then he gets back after running an errand at 11p and asks where I want him

I say aren’t we having sex but he says but we have to be up in 8 hours and have a long day

But what’s the point?

Would he ever treat me that way?

Would he ever treat her the way he does me?

It occurred to me that I want to tell him to end it so his life can suck like mine.

On this morning’s walk, he told me he wouldn’t run off and be with someone else. He said he’d wait for me. One more day and then we should have answers and be free to be together.

I’d said, I think you’ll go as soon as you can and he stopped walking, looked at me and said “is that what you think of me?...that’s not what I’m going to do...we’re in this together”

I just said how about you wait until I can join for you to do anything. He said of course.

This evening he said he was going to get some water and ice cream. He should have been home minutes after me. Instead it was like an hour or more after me.

He doesn’t text. Doesn’t respond to my messages. Comes in and acts like nothing has happened even when I ask. Let’s five hours pass and goes to bed and when I start asking him questions (he keeps falling asleep before answering) and finally blurts out that he got a BJ. In my car. While I waited and waited for him. When he said he was just going to get water. The same day that he said he wouldn’t be with anyone else.

She shows up and he can’t stay out of her for an hour. How do you think that makes me feel? The lying? The not telling me right away? The recklessness? And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that he just this morning was so indignant that I would say he’d run off and he promised he wouldn’t.

Tonight, I discover, once again, how much he can’t keep his mouth off her pussy. They take a shower together and he has to eat her pussy. In 36 years, how many times has he eaten my pussy in the shower? How many times have I told him I want him to eat my pussy?

Apparently living with me precludes him from saying, writing or doing things with me. How many times does he need to wake up with me, shower with me, take me out and go to sleep with me before he even once treats me the way he treats her?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...I hope someday I meet someone who thinks I’m as beautiful and worthy as he thinks she is...I thought I did but he was just another liar. It’s amazing what a dream lover my husband can be for someone else and not me.

I wish I had an enthusiastic lover like my husband is to her. No wonder she always wants to be with him. Hell he doesn’t do half that stuff for me and I always wanted to be with him. Me. I wanted to be with him. Not vice versa.

He says he won’t take me for granted but that was just more empty words. He comes through with whatever she asks. He conveniently forgets, there’s some issue on my side or it’s too hard if it’s me...always an excuse. Never his fault.

How many times in the over two weeks since he broke his dick being enthusiastic with her has he eaten my pussy? None. Her: at least once. Spent the day on dates: four. Me: none. Spent the day “holding hands like teenagers and kissing” her: multiple. Me: zero. You get the point. No matter how many times I ask for something, I don’t get it. She asks once and he’s all over it. She doesn’t even have to ask for many things and he’s still all over it .

I already did all the hard work Feb 1 so this doesn’t hurt, I’m not angry. I’m just done. I’m so tired of him saying one thing and doing another. So tired of all the reasons why he can’t do anything for me (even though I’m right fucking here and the one paying the bill) vs her (even though she’s an hour away and I’m the one paying the fucking bill).

Wow. I’ve been so patient for weeks. This last week and half has been so exhausting. Not only have I had the stress that my side relationship roller coaster has been, but the summer of S seems like 500 days long.

Let’s look at just last week and this week because the week before he probably saw her four days (or was that the week before)...doesn’t matter, I’ve almost survived it and I’m so done. So over it and him and them. Obviously.

Monday - they got a motel for hours. Apparently the wonders of her body never cease. His enthusiasm for her knows no bounds so he got so riled up that he had to “beat her with his penis” which resulted in an injury lasting 1.5 weeks and counting to date, with no end in sight. Of course he didn’t notice any such pain until he came home to me. We had a bit of sex since he didn’t get off with her. When he came in me, he realized the pain he was in. I know.

Tuesday they meet at a distant mall and spend three hours “just talking”. I’m sure it was a completely vanilla date (yeah right). He knew his dick was broken but didn’t have to mention it since they never took their date to a motel (or even the van...for once). She was supposed to start her period so I figured that would cover a few days. Obviously

Wednesday he heads out the door late in the afternoon so he can meet her at a local (newish) creperier I’ve wanted to visit (but since he wouldn’t want to eat a bread based food, I’ve not asked to go). He tells me he won’t be doing anything (even making out)because it’s too painful even if he were to get a hard on and also we assume she’s on her period. He asks if I’m okay with this. Sure I say, go have a late lunch with her and no sexual stuff like yesterday, the third day in a row this week that they’ve had a date! He messages me 1.5-2 hrs later saying he’s at the grocery store. I find out that they never did the crepe place “because she wanted to make out”. So they were in the van and he played with and ate her pussy. She sent a picture of him putting her shoe back on in the van. Despite the fact that i don’t want details (except to know if something new happens plus the basics of who what where), because it’s like a knife stabbing. But every time i ask one specific question, he can’t just answer the question, he can’t help but describe something he did to her or how amazing she is. Wow

Thursday he was supposed to have a date with GF but she cancelled last minute. Friday I had brunch with her. Despite having to hear from him how much he he’s gotta have her while not even paying attention to me, I’m still offering her friendship and loads of time. She’s so high maintenance and she’s taking from both of us. I know.

During this time we can’t have sex. He announced that he won’t even be kissing me in case it’s a disease instead of an injury that has side lined him. And he plays with me using a toy once. He mentions only once that he wants his wife after days of nothing and it’s not mentioned again even days later. No oral to make up for it, not apology for leaving me high and dry, no sorry I find her so thrilling I can’t help myself. Just constant reminders of how much better and more worthy she is than me. Obviously

Monday starts off again early as they meet at the zoo for a date. He makes these plans with her Sunday night and even buys the tickets online in advance. They spend the day at the zoo and then lunch at “their favorite spot”. I sit at home alone dealing with my break up and the fact that my husband has spent more hours this month dating and fucking her than he’s done with me all year. He’s there for her. I’m left to fend for myself in every way. Same with his kids. Even his asshole parents get an allowance form him (courtesy of me, against my will). Crazy isn’t it? I know

Monday afternoon he brings me food as I’m high and upset about dumping my bf. I ask him repeatedly if we can make out and have some sort of fun and reconnect. I tell what I want and remind him repeatedly not to come to bed too late. I tell him I’m just watching old episodes of the crown to pass time and to please come see me before he’s too tired. When he finally comes to bed hours later he just lays there. I remind him that I’m just waiting on him. Before we get into that though I’m not sure do the messages i sent him about my bf may be weighing on his mind a i want to be sure to clear the air before getting intimate. Obviously

I think that I should address the messages I showed him between my bf and I while he was off with her at the zoo. I want to clear the air and not leave anything hanging between us that may be bothering him. We go through the messages in detail with me asking if he has any comments or questions. Then I mention that my vagina still feels weird and I ask him to once again put his fingers in it and look at it to see if it looks and feels as it usually does and has it improved at all. He says he doesn’t know what it usually looks like and he starts comparing the feel of it to S instead of it to itself. He seems to know more about S vagina than mine and cannot figure out how to tell if mine is normal for itself. He cannot understand why this would be upsetting. He doesn’t know what his own sides vagina looks or feels like but he knows her enough to compare. Wow

We end up in a tiff and I’m angry that we don’t do more than a few kisses and have barely done anything intimate in a week but he doesn’t miss it or care. He never even tried. I say I’ll bet you kissed her today more than you kissed me. He agreed. He always shows more passion and enthusiasm for her. He is always eager to give her anything she wants. And dismisses and rejects me. Same thing different day. I know

Tuesday comes and gf is coming over so our plans are not what we thought. Later I realize that he talked to S all day, with short interruptions in the conversation to have breakfast, see gf when she arrived, deal with the vet, see gf before she left, and walk with me. Other than that, he was talking to her from morning until night. (Again. Yay!)The old days all over again. Wow

That night, On our walk, I’m missing intimacy with my husband and want to find out if his penis is getting any better since the last time see discussed it a few days ago. I ask when was the last time he got a hard on. His immediate answer was “obviously when I was last with S”. Obviously.

Not last night when the two of us were naked in bed and I was waiting all day (all week) to reconnect with my husband. Obviously not last night while he had his fingers in my pussy. Obviously not when he gave me a few kisses. Obviously it was while he took her to the zoo and they walked around kissing and ass grabbing all day...him with a broken penis that hurts everytime it gets hard and her fully clothed on a hot day at zoo while on her period. Obviously.

He and I were just wrapping up a few hours of walking in beautiful surroundings. He’d stopped once or twice to give me a nice kiss. But that did nothing. Meant even less. I asked why we didn’t do anything the night before and he blamed me. Blamed me for “being a blob and being high”. Obviously it’s my fault. I’m not good enough. And I was high that one day because I was sad about the bf experience. I stayed home alone for hours dealing with it alone while he has spent hours and days for weeks comforting and uplifting her. He brought me junk food and then berates me for eating it and calls me names and blames me for his lack of interest. Meanwhile, she is perfect, can do no wrong and should not put up with being ignored by her husband. Hypocrite much? I know

Later that evening, after a phone call with the horrible ex bf that never ends, I’m cuddling with him and sad. And kinda mad that what I thought was settled could be stirred up again only long enough to bring me fresh pain. He tries to console me and calls me Baby Girl. Wow

There’s 100 nicknames for me but that’s not one. Not even close. That’s what he calls HER. S. That’s her name. Not mine. Obviously

I leave the bed and sob uncontrollably. Alone. And for the 100th time am reminded of her by him. I ask for him to check MY vagina and it’s compared to hers. I ask when he was last interested in sex and I’m told “Obviously” when he was last with her. I go to him for comfort and and am called HER pet name.

He told me last week he wouldn’t be doing anything sexual and would be meeting her at a cafe. None of that was true. He couldn’t spend an hour with her without eating her pussy. (And in a week and half since he broke his penis on HER, he hasn’t eaten my pussy once). Wow

He can’t walk the zoo with her without getting a hard on but he can not only walk a beautiful moonlit night with me without doing so, but he can lay naked in our bed with his fingers in my pussy and bare breasts in his face without any thoughts of sex despite promising me same. I know

He can tell me he’s not going kiss but spend the days kissing her (and repeatedly refer to stealing kisses from her all week while avoiding them with me). And give me a few but not much passion or any desire. Wow

He can take her to the museum, restaurants, the zoo, a food court, the mini van to make out, and plan another museum trip (while trying to plan something bigger that she’d like) all while telling me we eat out too much, he doesn’t want to spend the $$ and only doing walks with me even though I’ve repeatedly mentioned that I’d like to have dates with him. I know

I’d love to say that once the summer is over (after this week), he’ll make out with me, take me to dates beyond walking and find me half as inspiring as apparently she’s been since the first hour they met. But that’s asking way too much. He’ll just go back to texting her every chance he gets and killing as much time as possible in between looking at cars and other videos online, saying he doesn’t know what to get me or where to take me and or know anything I’d like to do, when he knows it all about her because he pays attention and is motivated to make her happy while he takes me for granted. Obviously

I thought there was some hope. As long as some other guy thought I was interesting enough, he acted like he’d pay attention. But that’s just another in a long line of stupid naive dreams I’ve had. He’ll go back to complaining that it’s my fault because I no longer want to continue years of worshipping him in hopes that he’ll fuck me for four minutes and cum inside me before he falls asleep snoring while I’m left to drag off to a dark corner somewhere, wand in hand, and create my own orgasm. I know

I’ve eagerly talked to him about things I want to try, stuff I want to do with him, and it just never changes. Enthusiasm for her is endless. Me. I’m a blob (got that way because of my unhappy marriage) and high all the time (except for most of the time when I’m not). Soon he’ll be right where he dreaded, just me to fuck “and it’ll suck”. Apparently all the weight that she’s put on from being ignored by her hubby is just fine. My husband feeds her, brings her snacks, even wanted to take her to a dessert place. He feels for her and all that she’s put up with her hubby over the past 8 years after treating me worse for 36! Wow

And don’t get me started about how encouraging he is to her versus me or his own god damned children. His empathy for her knows no ends but the people under his roof just need to get it together. Who is it that he cares about most? Who is it that he’s willing to drive hours for? Spend $$ on while berating his son for wanting healthy organic foods? Bring her out and leave his wife and kids at home? Obviously

Wow. Just wow. It blooms where it is cared for and encouraged. And that’s not in this zip code.

Tonight’s wasn’t even a fight as I got upset and left the bed while he rolled over and slept. I was up until morning while he slept soundly.

I was sad last night and told him so then and agin this morning. This morning I woke up feeling the same and asked him to sit with me a moment while I told him calmly that I’d hit rock bottom and had a plan for climbing out but I needed his help.

I said I knew I needed four things:

To have sex

To have a shower

To go on a walk

To have a good cry

He looked at me and said, “did you want to take a walk before your shower?” I said that I knew I needed a shower and would take one before my walk, even if it meant taking another after the walk. He said ok let me know when you want to walk and I said I want to invite the kids, we need to help them too as they are struggling. I asked if our youngest had work today and he said yes at 4. Given that it was 9a, I said we had plenty of time. We could probably walk around 1p when the kids might all be awake and the youngest could still get to work on time. He said ok and didn’t seem to know what to do next.

I asked him if he was talking to her. And he said that she’d written this morning saying it was the anniversary of her dads death and so she wrote to tell him she may not be online with him much today. I naively believed this to be the situation for the day (until the evening when I read his phone).

I then asked him if I could go to the massage table so he could work on me sexually since he was clearly not inclined to have sex (same as the day before). He said sure and asked what I wanted him to do. That went as might be expected and lasted maybe 30 minutes. Afterwards he cleaned up the toys and told me to rest a while instead when I jumped right up to get in the shower. We laid together for a few minutes chatting after he checked (or messaged her on) his phone. (That’s how I knew how long it had been because he was able to see what was the last time he’d talked to her).

Then he said he had some things to do in the kitchen but he wanted me to scrub the shower when I went in to clean up. I wasn’t happy with this but he insisted. He went to the kitchen and I showered and shaved and did a little scrubbing. Then I “aired out” per my usual and he popped in to see if I’d scrubbed and of course said he doubted I did enough.

He said he was making ACV and later he said he was making hard boiled eggs and that I should come make myself tuna since I was hungry. I said I’d be out in a bit. I was reading a ladies fitness chat and was reminded that they are doing a plank challenge and trying to learn to do headstands. Given that I was trying to improve my mood and health, i decided to just do it too. I already know headstands and had done it the day before. I was eager to learn to do one in the middle of the floor but knew I needed more all practice first. So I tried a few and then decided to film myself (still naked from the shower) to see how I look.

At this point my head starts hurting from so many so that reminds me you are supposed to be on your shoulders not your head once you get your balance. I mention this to the ladies who are talking about their planks. I find the challenge and review the instructions and decide to jump in. I think I’ll be able to do several days worth and catchup soon but one day is all I’ve got in me at this point. I rest a bit while sending a few messages and he sees me sitting and questions what I’m doing ( he always questions what I’m doing and who I’m talking to...he even grabbed my phone to look and refused to say what he was looking for).

I get dressed and head out to see him sitting in his usual spot at his computer. He explains that he’s been waiting for me and that an hour has passed since i showered. It’s now a bit before 1p. I’m confused about what he’s been “waiting for” but he can’t explain. He says well now I think I’ll go for a bike ride. This confuses me because I’m the one who asked to go on a walk and now that I’m ready he’s going to take a bike ride which leave me out (I don’t even own a bike).

But I say fine, take a bike ride and we can go a little later with the kids on the walk as he usually rides for only about 30 minutes. I’ll use the time to bake a carrot cake (one of his favorites). I ask if he’s decided he’s going on the bike ride so he can call her again like he did last week. He looks confused and says he hadn’t even thought of that and it wasn’t in his plans. So I said well message her and maybe he can set it up for a future day (since we have plans today/tomorrow) like he did last week. He says ok and leaves. I mean what are the odds that a work from home mom caring for a four year old has time to jump on a call suddenly with her lover for a few hours with little notice in the middle of the day?

An hour and a half later he texts me cryptically saying our son caught him at the park on a video chat so I should say it was with me. I say ok and am a little annoyed that he’s not back from the ride and that he didn’t give me a heads up that his plans had changed and he had called her but I assume he’s now on his way home (ride done, call over).

However that son walks in the door. And I have to address that I’ve talked to his father and heard they ran into each other even though I’ve been with my other son all this time and clearly wasn’t on the phone while with him and baking. I have no idea where he was when the ran into each other or what was discussed or what we supposedly discussed (and why it was so important he wasn’t just at home talking to me).

I wonder who saw who first and what did the son see or hear. I wonder what excuse he used to hang up on “me” when our son walked up. I message my husband to teport that son has shown up and start asking questions about where he was and where he is and what’s happening now. I’m told he’s in the woods and back on the phone with her AGAIN. This news doesn’t make me happy and i still don’t undetshd the situation. Even still, it will be another hour and a half before hubby even bothers to show up at home...at 4p!

The day is now mostly over. Our youngest has already left for work. The eldest who earlier in the day said he’d join us on a walk is now engrossed in video games and not interested. The middle child who caught him while out with a friend (when he caught him on the phone) and isn’t interested in another walk.

I’m frustrated and pissed that his 30 minute ride turned into 3 hours. That he’d spent 1.75 of those hours on the phone with her, even after getting caught. And now it was late in the day and the family walk that was requested 7 hours ago was no longer happening. Further,I’d suggested that we go to the preserve area for a change of scenery but now that it was late afternoon I was afraid the mosquitoes would be too bad. So I decide I’m going to leave on my own. I’ve missed most the day’s beautiful weather and he hasn’t helped me with much of my plan to get back on track.

In fact, I left out the fact that he was argumentative during the “table time” (nothing unusual there) and he never got aroused during our session and so “he wasn’t interested in having sex with me and that was just fine with him”. Oh wait, and the FIRST words out of his mouth when I laid down and he started rubbing me were “oh there’s a strong odor!” Followed by “oh i guess it isn’t that strong after all”. Way to make me feel relaxed, sexy and wanted!

So anyway back to me trying to leave. He follows me out to my car and grabs me and asks where I’m going and what I’m doing. We stand and argue for a bit with me almost crying. I say I wanted to do a walk hours ago. I say that he said he had no plans to talk to her. He said he couldn’t believe we were having that arguement. I relented and said we could try to go on the walk but it’s really too late. One kid is at work, two don’t want to go but the fourth goes. We try the preserve but surprise, There’s mosquitoes! We leave there after an unpleasant 35 minute walk and head to the usual place. We walk for 1.5 hours and pick up dinner to eat at home.

After eating, I go to the bedroom and he sits at his computer. He finally comes into the bedroom and talks to me, asking how I’m doing. I tell him I still haven’t cried and he says oh aren’t you past that? I said no if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t go away, it’s still in there waiting to get out. We chat some more and I tell him to take his shower and I’ll put away the leftovers that were left out (even though I left the kitchen an hour ago and everyone else was down there getting food) and then I’ll need a shower. I ask if when he’s out of the shower we can then cuddle in bed so I can cry. He says of course.

He showers and asks if I want to join him. I say ok and run to put the food away but the youngest is just home from work and says he wants to eat the leftovers. I hop in the shower and he cleans me. I leave the shower and he’s still in there. Later he joins me in the bed and is texting her again. He puts down the phone and checks out a bump I tell him about on my inner thigh. I lock the door and he lays near me running his hand over my stomach and rubbing my boobs. I find both of these things irritating and uncomfortable. Somewhere in here I read his phone. And boy oh boy, I haven’t been on his phone since last night so i discover instead of being silent today there’s a lot to read!

I discover that they started chatting at 8:33a in the morning and it is almost constant for about 4.5 hours except for a few short breaks here and there, the longest being while he was working on me and again when he rode for a little bit (before she responded that she was ready for their FaceTime call). We’re talking about a very few breaks of 20-40 minutes. He talks to her on FaceTime for 17 minutes before our son catches him. Then about 5 minutes later he’s on a second call with her for approximately another 1.5 hours. There’s a few hours silence while he comes home, argues with me, he eats and we take our walk with one kid.

After eating, he’s messaging her again before coming to chat with me and shower. While laying in bed he signs off with her but she’s not online so it doesn’t turn into a long chat. He asks what I’m thinking as he’s rubbing my belly and I say “what do you think I’m thinking? You spent 4-5 hours chatting, then two hours calling, then you’re talking to her again”. I get up to use the restroom and when i come back he’s tuned off all the lights in the bedroom and has presumably gone to bed. I stumble back to find my way to bed. And he’s soon snoring as per his usual.

I can’t sleep so I go sit in the chair. After an hour of him asleep I crawl back into bed. I try to touch him but he yelps and curses and goes back to sleep. Later his dog is barking and barking out side. With a prod he finally calls her in. Next thing I know he’s on his phone swiping on bumble. I comment on how fast he got on his phone after waking and he says something about how it doesn’t matter since he can never do anything right anyway. I can sleep once again so I sit back in the chair. He shines his phone on me and asks what I’m doing. I say “the same thing I was doing three hours ago” he snorts and rolls over to sleep.

Later I get up to pee and punch the wall in frustration. I can’t stand it so I head to the living room. I sit on the couch and cry out loud. I start heaving and spend a while at the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes and throw up for while as I pee down my leg. I clean up and return to the bedroom where he’s sleeping. I return to the chair as he snores.

I asked him to do a very few things with me that he should’nt be against. Instead of having sex with me, he works on me for 30 minutes and spends hours telling her how much he wants her and begging her to get her husband to let him see her. Instead of a family walk he spends almost two hours on the phone with her. While i cry alone, he’s spent hours telling her how he wants to be there for her in any capacity. When she says she wants to go for a picnic and take a walk holding his hand he says he’s ready to do that and more for her. Anything she wants to make her happy and feel good.

No matter how many times I remind him that he has four kids with whom he’s never spent hours texting or so much time encouraging he still lavishes untold hours on her or others or trying to find others on websites while his youngest son begs him to do things with him and tries to make connections with him. The other two have given up.

And on a day that I ask him to help me and tell him how low I’m feeling, he still devotes most of the day to her. I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand any of this. And i know very well that if she wasn’t around, we still wouldn’t be given all the time and effort and money he puts into them. It’s been weeks since he shaved me down there and even with quarantine and no other playmates he still hasn’t gone down on me once. Pick any video of him with her and you’ll see it multiple times. I give up.

Same topic

I can’t bring up what I want or he gets mad

But when I’m quiet and don’t tell him he says he forgets

It’s a no win situation for me

He said he’s frustrated because he’s already reassured me and it will never be enough

And I should be calm about his activities and trust his love

But he shouldn’t have to put forth effort to show his love, tell me he loves me, tell me I’m pretty or give me the things I ask for

Now tonight we had a big fight because I showed him a picture from one their first two dates. Just thinking about that scene makes me recoil from his touch and want to beat his face to a bloody pulp. But hey, if you wanna see her, who am I to stop you.

Sleep

Stop crying

Figure out where I want to live

What I’m going to do for the divorce

What to tell our kids and friends

But right now, it feels like the end of the world.

For future reference I saw the video of his third date and his enthusiasm for doing with her what he flat out said he doesn’t like doing with me.

I haven’t written about the last few as I just didn’t have the energy.

But tonight, I went to him very calmly about the lies he’s told me recently in our everyday life to try to get him to explain why he would do it an dhow I’m supposed to trust him with LS things.

Unbelievably, he yelled and turned it around on me. Again. He ended up asking why I was stil married to him and I have to say, that’s a damn good question.

Once again he stated that I would have trouble finding someone better because he’s a good guy and does not need to change at all.

For 24 hours straight. He’s noticed but hasn’t asked why. Only got annoyed that I was looking at him funny. Finally I say well this is why I’m sad....

So of course he gets mad at me and yells at me.

I very calmly say, your marriage is falling apart. I’m telling you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it and you’re yelling me you have no intentions of doing anything about it. That the price is just too high. And he said “correct.”

I said I’m not your mom, you’ve left me no choice. There was a lot more to it, but that’s it in a nutshell.

He did manage to insult me as a wife, mother and business owner. Because you know he’s excelled at so much in life. Oh and he reiterated his previous assertion that I won’t be able to find anyone who thinks I’m beautiful and wants only me.

What’s the point in being with someone who is a source of stress instead of happiness?. What’s the point of having someone there to...yell at me? What’s the point?

I got hime Friday night. We fought while I was away. Friday we got together and got over it for a while with something to eat. We had sex many times and laughs and he didn’t cum. I found out that late Thursday be masturbated (only the second time in four years according to him) even though he thought I’d be home by noon Friday. But since I drive I didn’t get home until 9p. At first I didn’t even know if he was the one coming to get me.

Saturday I gave him a blow job and he came but it took a lot of effort. That’s not normal for me and him. I started my period. No sex for several days.

No activity Sunday or Monday due to period and him not having interest in me. My period finally ended by Tuesday and i know we were fighting again.. That night we were supposed to have plans with a couple but they cancelled so i didn’t think we’d have any plans but we went out to BS and BW for reconnaissance. We had sex when we got home and he came thinking about a dancer.

The next morning I recounted the prior evening and my thoughts and he got a fifty and jumped up and pumped for a few seconds or minutes. No one came.

That night I was chill and asked him multiple times to come have sex with me but he didn’t. Same thing Thursday and Friday. Friday we wen to eat at my son’s work and had a long calm y’all about all the ways he doesn’t do anything i ask or make me feel beauty or loved.

Even before we went out that night I brought up how he says nice things to her but not me. I asked why he didn’t have sex with me and he said “have you looked at yourself?” So i went tans took a shower and get dressed and he said “do you need to wear that (shrug)? I don’t think it matches”. I wore it anyway out to eat and then we went home instead of out more like I’d wanted. That night I barely slept at all but I don’t want to disturb him.

By Saturday I’d worked all day and was exhausted that night I took it upon myself to take care of me and then fell promptly asleep. According to him he tried to wake me but I didn’t.

He’d asked gf to go out but she turned him down but suggested Sunday afternoon. So he invited me to join but I knew it needed to be just then. They went it museum and multiple restaurants and a bookstore and spent about 7 hours together. A couple of miles from our house and right before coming home (she had a time deadline) he’s gets an amazing bj from her. He could have skipped that and come to me. But he didn’t. He just had to expend himself and return to me with dirty and with nothing left after not being with me most of the week and turning down my multiple requests. I got to hear twice (in his voice) how great her BJ are.

I couldn’t sleep that night and was awake after 1a. I got yo Monday and worked then went to work out. Spent the day at the gym doing my work I. Their lobby, pooped out only long enough to eat and do an even big workout session. Came home to an empty house. No note or text telling me where he was. He walks in later with our son who had been out of town . I talked to the son and dickhead went to watch TV.

Less than An hour later I go out to fill my water and that’s when I found out he wa sin the living room watching tv. I go back to the bedroom and realize it is 10p so I go to bed. He comes in at 2a loudly and wakes me up banging and lifts and everything he needs to sleep. I comment that I went to bed four hours ago sonthia is just like a rewind to the old days where I’d go to bed and he’d stay up half the night watching tv. I end up staying wide awake and he’s snoring in 5 minutes so here I am updating our argument blog.