Forgive me if I forget how I tell an enticing and engaging story, but it has been a lifetime since I last wrote and even longer since I wrote as K. I truly have wanted to but wanting to and having permission to are two different things. I have always been unapologetic, I hope I have made that abundantly clear. It has gotten me in trouble a lot, but when you get in trouble in high heels, with big lashes and a laminate on your hip it tastes a lot better in your mouth. The difference I found was when you are working a 9-5, have left the scene for good, in the happiest relationship and have spent time in therapy you become a lot less digestible. When you are older and stronger you are less malleable. When you are in a position of power at work, deciding whether or not entire doctors are fit to practice you develop a strength which scares the men you used to love. Perhaps I am boring now, I donāt take drugs or dance on tables or make myself into whatever men want to get AAA. But I am happy, truly. My civilian man is everything I wanted and what the men that make music could never be. He is consistent, loving and kind and above all, makes me be kind to myself. I spent over a decade trying to destroy myself and people barely noticed. Do you know who did notice? X - my perfect civilian man who spends his day working in finance and adoring me.
Now let me address why I disappeared - I was made to. After spending over a decade normalising the treatment I repeatedly got by these people who I gave everything to I was threatened. This has been an ongoing issue for a few years with their teams attempting to find any holes in my arguments. I have been asked to delete this blog, to delete entries, to issue a statement of who my entries are not about and to out myself to protect their name. I have done none of those things. My ultimate defence has always been that at no point in my entries have I ever named a single person, have I ever shared a single lyric which would indicate who they are, have ever posted a single photo I have with them, ever shared a single text message and for all entries posted in the last few years I was still touring, had them reviewed and edited by the bandās manager and PR team. I have protected their identity throughout. I only became a problem when I began to speak up about the abuse I had experienced. I did not just lose AAA and party invites, I lost friends both from bands and the other girls.
I have been fighting for my voice for years and it was not the solicitor letters or unanswered emails which finally allowed me to speak freely again. It was a conversation I felt forced to have with A, one he didnāt want to have.
I have debated how to tell this because I really think it is important to get the full story. To really understand just how this has finally come to an end. I never begged for a phone call with A at all and honestly didnāt want one. I resented him. I loathed him. I wanted to give him the noose to hang himself with. Everyone else I felt some level of closure about, they did horrible things to me yes and betrayed me but they never betrayed me. Not K, the real me. But A did, he knew almost everything about me and still kept this going. The absolute final straw for me was hearing a song they released within the last year. I do not follow them anymore or keep up with their music for obvious reasons. A shame really because I do enjoy them, but I couldnāt bring myself to do it. Me listening to their music and diving into the work I had missed truly made me realise how laughable this whole situation was. That really made me do something I never thought I would. I sent him a message, I wonāt go into details but what I said but it got me a phone call. I saw his name pop up on my phone and I clicked reject. āIf youāre going to do this, I want you to look me in the eye when you admit all the things youāve doneā. I waited for a while and thought he was going to leave me alone again but a FaceTime came through. I was in a state of shock.
When I accepted it and saw his face I almost threw up. He didnāt say anything and neither did I. We both just sat there in silence for almost 8 minutes. He looked older and worn, but terrified at sitting here. He was avoiding my eye constantly. Finally I decided to speak. āI want you to look at me, A.ā I said. His eyes went to me and then he didnāt look away. Have you got nothing to say, I asked him.
I remember him smiling to me. What can I say, A responded. He had a fair point.
7 songs across 2 albums and youāre trying to sue me, I told him. He didnāt say anything again. 30 minutes of pure bullshit, I added. From there I really got everything out, I ranted at him and spat at him and finally got out everything I had been thinking for years.
He let me finish and looked me intensely in the eye. I had to make a choice, K, he told me, I chose my career and the industry and my band over you.
I told him he was supposed to protect me, that I trusted him. I asked him where that person was who warned me about men and sent me cards and presents and left me notes in the mirror. I was taken advantage of and he did nothing.
He said something I never thought he would. Iām sorry, A said. Iām sorry for what I did, it was selfish and I couldnāt go back. He told me he couldnāt do anything to make it better at all and he couldnāt take away anything. We sat back and we really talked for almost 2 hours and at the end of it all he told me he loved me and that heāll fix this. That it was never me, it was what it represented and that heās glad Iām out of the scene and doing well.
We hung up and a week later I received a letter confirming that they want to remove any action they were currently taking. Dropped by both bands currently trying to ruin me. Maybe now Iāll just be a memory to them of a time, but I kind of hope not. I do hate the scene, that hasnāt changed but there are people in it who I donāt want to hate anymore. I donāt want to be scared of ever seeing some of them again. A, D, O, H, N and even V. Perhaps itās just the therapy but I donāt have hate in me anymore. I donāt necessarily have love in me for them either, but one day I might. Half of those men still try to contact me and Iām tired of pretending they donāt wish me happy birthday. I just want them to contact me as an equal, perhaps thatās too much to ask. Maybe itās possible, A messaged me a few hours before I wrote his and only said āI hope one day youāll find it in you to not hate me or thisā. I replied āmaybe one dayā. I feel like the ball is now in my court.
Now Iām not really sure what is next. I am truly happy. I am trying get a promotion at work. I am trying to make time to be a good friend and a good girlfriend. I am succeeding at both. I am trying to sort my health out and repair the damage the scene did and focus on important things like eating when Iām hungry. I am considering writing a book too, an extended version of this blog I suppose. Iām just not sure anyone would actually want to read it. If anyone has got this far in, maybe you can tell me.
As always I love and appreciate you all and at least now I can speak to you again. Wishing you all love and safe and healthy relationships with or without musicians. Personally I recommend without xoxo - K
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