Diary of a Broken Heart bit

I hoped you would find the truth, for it'll set you free.

And when you find the truth..

May you find the courage to stand for it ..

It will cost you everything -- but it's worth a life than living a lie

I'm excitedly waiting for you on the other side

When you do take a brazen and courageous 180 when you find the truth, look for me.

I might still be there .. waiting, and celebrating with you.

Remembered you.

Wish I had the chance to express how much I feel for you.

I still love you.

But I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know, where I stand.

What this is.

What my life is, in life.

I know.

All the Words I Couldn't Say

(I love this song, btw. Can you listen to it?)

My Dilemma

You probably think I'm reaaaching here.

But there are a lot of people who grow old and die and never find out the truth.

I don't know if you ever wondered about me

But I will tell you the truth

cuz I place it with the highest regards,

and wouldn't it be a treat to you, too?

Before I walked into the room,

I already had premonitions of you

in which I told God,

"No, I won't, God."

But there were already those nagging signs of what's going to happen, before I even set a foot inside the institution.

Getting there was unplanned.

I needed to get a temporary job to replace a marketing role that has been eating my time.

I can't have my Sunday worships taken over by anything else in life.

So, I sacrificed a former role I love so I could have Sundays with the Lord. I did it for Him.

But during the earlier months, my heart has been heavy for "the right one." I have been kneeling and praying and asking like a desperate teenager.

"Surprise me, Lord!"

"I want him to be as gentle as You."

"It'd be fun if he sings 'Don't Stop Believing' with me" (which almost happened, had I not restrained myself.)

And you know what else?

When you started sharing that you're writing a book.. I hit a sudden flashback of a forgotten unwritten list of the man I wanna meet when I was a teenager. My friends would ask me about "my type" and those were exactly the things I yap each and every time.

I was surprised when I learned

you checked the boxes.

The check boxes I have longed forgotten

Cuz.. “where would I find this person? I’d probably meet them in my 30’s or he's probably someone from another country!” has proven to be a self-fulfilling prophecy

That year, I didn’t expect I'd meet you.

I’ve forgotten about that list

All my life I just settled cuz I thought 'my type' is so far fetched.

A sing and draw prince? C'mon!

Deep, philosophical, "...in fact so philosophical he could create a book with all the wisdom he gathered" — was my constant description 'of this guy' 'I wanna meet' when I was a teen

Deep - I want us to both be

As Fun as deep as he is — I dig this paradox

Can have conversations with me about anything under the sun? — this is peak, I want someone who enjoys conversations with me “...about anything under the sun”

Wears neckties? — I could not make out what your job is, but I want someone who wears neckties

'Gets me' even in silence / even without saying a word — that unspoken resonance and recognition is what I have been looking for. I wanted to be understood in the level that I can. And nobody has until I met you.

Among other things.

You were not someone fleeting to me.

You were the person I dreamed of meeting.

Everything you did, the coy way you interact with me, the shy ways you orbit me around, everything about you and all you do fits the description of the person I wanted to meet

If one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

Cuz it would've been fun

If you would've been the one

I love you to bits and pieces

But there's a wall higher than the great wall of China, and if the odds were stacked against me in the past, the doors have completely shut in my face while I pretend not to look

Yet the longing of the heart still haunts

making the hit tracks "About You" and "Multo" nail its timely relevance

How is life so cruel

I found him, the one I've been wanting to meet all my life

You have no clue I have prayed to God about you

"God, it'd be fun if this guy sings the hit, 'Dont Stop Believeing."

- you did, one of our students sent me a video of you singing the song, and I gasped

"God, I want him to be as gentle as You, just like You. Soft and gentle."

- and you are

"Surprise me, God!"

- and it was a meeting of a lifetime like I walked into the set of a Hallmark love story blessed with inherently interesting elements for movie magic

And the first two weeks to a month of meeting you, I thought "Oh, my gosh!! This is it, I am not going to mess this up!" Oh, but I did

I found you, then lost you

You have no clue how many nights I cried.

And how many more months I cried because of the confusion and ambiguity before I hit the "unfriend" button

And the many days I cried after that. At the bathroom floor, etc.

Forever waiting for a "can we hang out" on top of of your hanging midnight "what's up?"

The artists and innovators of our generation are all doing me a favor. They created the songs I needed to feel when I couldn't articulate the pang of losing and missing you

It's been years, I'm still stuck in the memories of the faculty room. Did you know how much you made me feel?

Resonance.

You feel like home and I am not being poetic. I was waiting for someone whom I can share my creative and artistic passions with, all my life. And who can truly see me as I am so I can finally take the mask off. And you did

I found you, and I lost you.

There will be those people who will live life just 'moving on' indefinitely

It's not fun,

cuz you would've been #the1