sometimes when i'm having nightmares my cat feels my heart racing and wakes me up

i feel like it will take another month to fully grow the part of my nail with pseudomonas please i cant take this chopped swagless life anymore

made a very questionable banana matcha iced latte and came to the conclusion sometimes two good things together make a bad thing (should have eaten the banana on its own and made my matcha as per usual) then picked up this heart shaped mini waffle maker i got from vinted while i was going insane . i love waffles im gonna cry if it doesn't work

whenever i dont have significative interactions with anyone for a few days instead of descending into a deeper clarity within myself i become mentally delayed like i experience a loss of language and turn slow and confused and regress to a state of googoo gaga in which thoughts have to be scooped out of a thick viscous substance in my brain

the soles of my last pair of flats died so im having to choose between wearing nike air rift w 37C or crocs which i love but cant shake the feeling they give every outfit a young old woman vibe of some sort cause the women of my family have this thing where they always give elderly and little girl at the same time so i feel like im always on thin ice with casual attire and i already get mistaken for a teen a lot like. not that looking old too would be bad in itself but how can i say i get an age dysphoria feeling... take my 32 years old sister its impossible to tell whether she's an extremely awkwardly styled teenager or a youthful woman in her mid 40s and my mom literally looks like if a little girl with honey blonde curls was 70. i do want to look exactly like my mom when i'm older though

whoever it is that is using a vacuum rn at 4 am period i understand

the love between my cat and i is so perfect i often feel like we live in a world of our own

my landlady came over to change a lightbulb with the electrician and then i walked her home (we live in the same block) and she implied that she has cancer again and wants to stop treatment :( stop im so sad she's literally my acquired grandma after all these years she's been taking care of me like im family my rent is so low she makes zero money out of it. she even said to the electrician that im her little niece :(

okay its kinda funny but one of the things that really moved me to end things was that i convinced myself i was gonna go bald. i was already missing my period and having constant stomach pains and palpitations etc from stress when i suddenly grew intensely preoccupied i was gonna develop alopecia areata. every day i was like im definitely gonna wake up with a bald spot tomorrow and it became my hypochondriac fixation of the moment or whatever. or lose half of my hair from telogen effluvium three months from now. the hair that is my pride and glory would have finalized the deeply embedded belief that i always get punished on top of suffering blah blah. and i was like i don't deserve to lose everything because of this person. anyways i didn't go bald not even a little bit if possible the amount of hair i shed might have even decreased and looks good as ever strangers ask me to take pictures of it every time i leave the house etc. and then one day i woke up with this new gray right on the top of my head all ridiculously thick and shiny and my best friend burst into laughter saying it looks like a fishing net

freaking the fuck out about some uni stuff i might not pass any exam this summer even though my family is on my back because i should have started studying sooner and now i can already see i won't meet the deadline. truth is i had all the time in this world but starting from april i spent every day in bed because i broke off a friendship that was the only thing making me want to get up in the morning and after that i just didn't want to anymore or couldnt and ive just been having horrible thoughts every minute i'm awake. if i could be any person that isn't me i guess i would i don't even care anymore

im so good at finding a new reason to live every day and for tomorrow is having the iced matcha latte with condensed milk and caramel syrup i made today again

i keep finding these videos where girls talk about the bizarre ordeals their abusive parents put them through on tiktok and i can't stop watching even though they're triggering the shit out of me like resurfaced the memory of my father convincing himself i was a heroin addict for no reason when i was like 14 and from that moment for two years he searched my pockets and school bag every time i got home and would ransack my room looking for this imaginary drug stash any time i showered and read my secret diary and paid someone to find my tumblr blog and printed it down and made it read to several other people also every time i was in a car with him he would hold me down and not let me go while yelling me to confess that i was a drug addict and every time i hung out with a friend he would accuse them of being addicts too and being the ones who introduced me to heroin like he claimed my best friends dermatitis were actually track marks and i had to see her in secret or get into a huge violent scary fight every time i just wanted to get ice cream or go to the cinema together like all normal kids do 😭 i was forbidden from going to the train station because he thought i was going there to buy heroin even though i had to go to the train station to move around so i had to constantly lie or do like crazy roundabouts around the city for hours to avoid passing by and generally speaking he told me every day that i was a horrible daughter a criminal a disappointment and all that like i know what you're doing bla bla mind you in all of this i was the best student of my grade super kind and helpful sweet kid and cooked every meal for my family from scratch and basically spent all my time at home reading and baking and the more i tried to defend myself the more he would find confirmation in it like you know when someone is completely out of their mind and latches onto every word you use and your tone etc trying to prove their point and falsely accuses you and engaging with it makes it a thousand times worse 😭 and only now that im older i see it had to be some type of psychosis anyways what the helly 😭

it's so warm i dont even feel warm anymore just sick

logging in my uni mail scared me so much i immediately started menstruating