Dhikachu

I don't even know where to begin. The world seems to have turned upside down since you left. Everything feels different, as if the ground beneath my feet is no longer solid. You were my rock, my anchor, and without you, I feel adrift in a sea of confusion and pain.

I'm tired, Dad. Tired of trying to hold everything together, tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. I miss you so much, and the thought of living in a world without you feels almost unbearable.

But I know that's not what you would want for me. You always told me to be strong, to keep going no matter what. So I'm doing my best to honor your memory and be the person you raised me to be.

I wish you were here to see how much I'm trying, how hard I'm fighting. I wish I could hear your voice, feel your embrace, and know that everything will be okay.

But even though you're gone, I can still feel your presence. I can feel your love and your support, even from beyond this world. And I know that as long as I hold on to that, I'll never truly be alone.

I miss you, Dad. More than words can express. But I'm going to keep going, for you, for Mom, and for myself.

Love always,

Melihat balik hidup saya beberapa minggu ini.

Melihat betapa hancurnya diri ini akibat sebuah tragedi.

Melihat begitu banyak orang yang peduli.

Melihat cerita orang lain tentang patah hati.

Melihat kita yang kini sendiri-sendiri.

Saya masih mencoba memahami mengapa sulit sekali bagi kita manusia untuk mengambil sebuah pelajaran. Bahkan sangat sulit untuk kita melihat segalanya sebagai bentuk pelajaran. Mengapa harus tersakiti oleh sebuah tragedi sehingga kita bisa belajar? Apakah kita sebebal itu?

Kehilangan ini membuat saya banyak belajar dan tentu akan mengubah hidup dan diri saya selamanya, terutama dalam berkomunikasi. Setelah perbincangan dari hati ke hati, saya menyadari betapa diri ini sangat bodoh dalam berkomunikasi. Betapa egoisnya diri ini jika hati sudah sepakat dengan kepala atas sebuah keinginan. Sekarang, lihat akibatnya kan? Fisik saya sakit, pikiran saya sakit, hati saya sakit, dan dia tidak akan kembali lagi.

Saya memang bodoh karena harus sampai hancur begini untuk sebuah pelajaran yang sebenarnya bisa dimengerti dengan sebuah kasih sayang yang dia berikan, bisa dimengerti dengan hati besarnya yang selalu mencoba bersabar. Mungkin menyalahkan diri sendiri tidak akan menolong saya, tapi apalagi yang bisa saya perbuat selain menyesal dan menyalahkan diri yang bodoh ini? 

Saya rasa ini akan berlangsung lama. Menyesali atas apa yang diri ini tak mengerti selama ini. Baru 11 hari terlewati dan saya sudah hampir mati. Masih akan banyak terbangun tengah malam dan ditusuk hantu memori di malam hari, masih akan ada banyak hari yang akan ditemani oleh anxiety, masih akan ada banyak hari yang harus saya lewati dengan sepi, masih akan ada sesak yang harus dinikmati, masih ada bayangan dan pikiran untuk meninggalkan dunia ini. Masih akan ada tangis yang pecah ketika ingat kemana kita pernah pergi. Dan masih banyak hal-hal lain lagi yang semuanya akan saya sesali. Berat sekali. Terima kasih untuk orang-orang yang selalu berharap saya tidak mati dan bisa melewati semua ini. 

Saya tidak pernah menyalahkan dia atas semua ini. Saya justru merasa bersalah mengapa semua ini bisa terjadi. “Aku sedang ingin sendiri..”, terrekam dengan baik ucapannya dalam otak ini. Membayangkan perasaanya hancur akibat tidak saya mengerti, membayangkan dirinya kesepian karena saya sibuk sendiri, membayangkan dirinya berusaha sabar semua demi seseorang yang tidak tahu diri ini. Sakit sekali. Maafkan saya atas diri ini.

Saya mencoba berdamai dengan semua ini. Perlahan, mencoba berdiri, berpegangan pada apa yang tidak pasti dalam kegelapan ini. Mencoba memaafkan diri ini walau saya yakin pasti sulit terjadi. Membuka hati? Tidak dulu untuk dalam waktu dekat ini. Sekarang fokus saya hanya memaafkan diri dan perbaikan diri. Agar tragedi ini tidak terulang lagi. Karena sejujurnya, saya masih berharap suatu saat nanti, dia akan kembali, dan saya sudah memantaskan diri.

Love teaches me a lot, dulu saya bukan orang yang pemaaf dan sangat pendendam. Sekarang, saya sudah melihat diri saya bisa memaafkan siapapun, selalu melupakan apa yang sudah terjadi dan mau terus memperbaiki diri. Namun untuk masalah ini, memaafkan diri seperti hal yang tak akan pernah terjadi. Saya sudah siap atas hukuman yang saya harus terima jika memang itu akan membuat diri ini menjadi lebih mengerti. Tetap berusaha untuk memaafkan diri ini ya, saya. Karena hanya saya yang bisa memaafkan saya.

Untuk kamu, bahagia dan sehat selalu ya.

Hey you,

How’s life? Still remember me?

Now look at your phone gallery, look at those pictures. Who mostly took those pictures of you? Me.

Now look at your phone, aren't we have the same type of phone? Of course! We bought it together. Same type different color. We delivered it to my house. I still remember the excitement you had for that new phone

Now, open your phone case box. Look at those cases I gave to you. Look at those matching cases we have.

Now look at your watch. What time is that? Is it time for us to meet yet? Oh, I still remember how you confused deciding which one is good on your hand. I picked it for you. I know what's the best for you. I know you better than yourself.

Come here and look at all of your shoes. I picked them all for you. Look at it one by one, it holds our memories. The places we've been together, the store we bought them, the mountain we hiked together.

Now look at your sandals, we have matching sandals, different size, different pattern, same price. Because we bought it together.

Now look at those pictures of us being with my close friends. The friends who are now also your friends, where you can be your true self without feeling scared, afraid of being judged. So many laughter we've shared over small things.

See? You can go to Bali with other people, but what memories will you remember? Us. of course. I took you to that mystical place for the first time. We back again and had fun with my friends, and that one is unforgettable.

And yes. Hong Kong will never be the same without me. That hotel you always get for free, every corner of Central, those night markets, Tsim Sha Tsui skyscrapers, Victoria Harbour.

Now look at those cards on your wallets. Look at them closely. You ask for my consent before you applied them. I am the only one you share the pin with.

You can live your life as it is. You can try to hide me from your life and try to forget all we had. But at the end, all you find is me. Every step, every breath, every visual you got, every smell, every flavor. Because I am you and you are me.

I just realized I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. From elementary school until college life, I decided which schools I wanted to go, and easily accepted. My parents never pushed me to take this major, or go to that school, or anything like that. What else? I graduated from reputable university that taught me so many things about life, taught me to see things from different perspectives, and taught me that home was not merely a building. Then? I have so many supportive best friends that accept me and the skeleton in my closet. And? It took 9 months for me to get to this point of my life where I could change my status from a job seeker into I’m-so-happy-with-my-job. I never got jealous when my friends got a job, I never complained about not getting a job or being rejected by a company. See what I get now? The office I always dreamed of. Fashionable uniform (actually we don’t have uniform), an open minded office environment, good salary, and the most important thing is I am happy with everything in my office. ‘Countless laughter’ are the perfect words to describe my office life.

Semakin kita dewasa semakin kita menyadari, bahwa prioritas dalam hidup kita terus berubah. Hal tersebut, sedikit-banyak berpengaruh dengan waktu yang kita habiskan bersama dengan orang-orang tertentu. Mungkin, dulu ketika sekolah, kita banyak habiskan waktu dengan teman sekolah kita, karena sekolah masih menjadi prioritas kita dan kita masih berada di jalur yang sama dengan teman tersebut. Sekarang, setelah lulus sekolah, lulus kuliah dan melanjutkan fase dalam hidup, prioritas kita sudah berubah, jalur dalam hidup pun terpisah-pisah.

Teman dari SD, SMP, SMA, Kuliah, yang dulu sering menghabiskan waktu bersama, tak lagi jadi begitu penting karena prioritas kita telah berubah, pun mereka. Sehingga menyisihkan sedikit waktu untuk bertukar kabar, apalagi bertemu, terasa tidak lagi penting untuk kita atau mereka. Padahal tanpa kita sadari, beberapa dari mereka adalah orang yang benar-benar peduli dengan kita.

Sering kali kita membuat janji bertemu untuk kapan hari, tapi yang datang hanya satu dua biji. Sisanya? Sibuk sendiri.

Bukan salah mereka memang, karena hidup telah memisahkan jalur kita. Tak lagi sejalur seperti dulu kala.

Saya ingin sedikit berbagi, saya adalah Hub LAN dalam hampir setiap pertemanan yang saya miliki, saya adalah teman penghubung, matahari dalam tata surya. Tugas saya adalah tetap membuat teman-teman saya yang satu dan yang lain terhubung, agar yang biasanya main berlima tetap akan berlima, karena memang it’s my nature to do such a thing. Ingin kumpul, saya yang harus mengajak mereka semua. Wacana ke mana, saya juga yang harus merencanakan plus berusaha untuk mengajak semuanya. Hasilnya? Tidak bisa hadir semua. Sekali lagi, tak bisa kita menyalahkan mereka. Tapi dari situ, saya belajar, bahwa prioritas mereka, bukan lagi kita. Entah apa, mungkin pekerjaanya? Mungkin juga kekasihnya? Atau teman barunya?

“Masalahnya bukanlah kesanggupan, tapi kesediaan.”

Let me tell you something, ketika saya mengajak untuk bertemu, sekedar bertukar cerita, itu bukan karena sekedar rindu belaka. Tapi karena saya peduli terhadap anda, dan ingin anda tetap ada dalam circle hidup saya. There! You should be sensitive, because the reason behind it, is so deep. Tapi karena ketidaksensitifan, orang-orang yang menjadi penghubung seperti saya akhirnya lelah. Kita tak lagi memaksa untuk berkumpul, karena kita tau, jika kita penting dalam hidup mereka, mereka akan menyisihkan sedikit waktu untuk kita.

Sekarang, orang-orang seperti saya hanya akan mengajak, selebihnya terserah anda. Orang-orang seperti saya hanya akan mempertahankan orang yang pantas dipertahankan dalam circle. Kalau tak pernah menyisihkan waktu untuk kita, untuk apa mengemis-ngemis meminta waktunya? Toh orang-orang seperti saya paham betul, bahwa kita semua memiliki kesibukan masing-masing, plus, ajakan bertemu pun tak setiap hari.

Kita tak lagi sama. Kita yang dulu telah tiada. Kita yang selalu penuh canda tawa, kita yang selalu berpacaran dengan air mata, kita yang saling hina tapi cinta. Sekarang kita kalah karena keras kepala. Kau tidak berbuat apa-apa, aku pun tak ingin kau jadi besar kepala karena aku meminta-minta. Jadi kita berdua diam saja.

1. Stop Caring About What Other People Think Every person will have opinions that other people will judge. It’s human nature. I’ve learned to stop caring about what other people think or whether or not they will approve. Just tune it out, and be exactly who Am I. I know at some point in my life people will talk about me behind my back (and I will likely do the same). It’s kind of unavoidable. The best way to handle this is not to let it affect me in negative ways, but learn to be okay with being myself, regardless of what others may think instead.

2. Stop Looking Back and Replaying My Regrets I can’t change the past no matter how bad I wish I could. So I take those things and learn from them. I stop looking at where I’ve been, and focus on where I will go. Every single thing that has happened in my life is preparing me for a moment that is yet to come.

3. I’ve Learned What It’s Like To study Something I have spent countless hours trying to prove a theorem or analyze literary works. This past 4 years, from Monday through Friday, I often sit in front of my laptop, writing out possible ideas and proofs. While my major has challenged me, it has also empowered me, helping me gain confidence in not only my English abilities but also teaching me how to manage my time and appreciate a free time I have and with whom I’m gonna spend so it doesn’t go away wastefully.

4. Express Your Feeling Since no one can read my mind, I have be a direct person in a polite way. If I like someone, I tell them. If my friends hurt my feelings, I tell them. I’ve learned that the biggest regrets usually have something to do with hidden feelings.

5. Be Kind to Everyone Although kindness is encouraged by every religion and is recognized as a value in many cultures, sometimes it’s really hard to be kind. We all know it. In fact, at some points in my life, it feels easier to be unkind, especially when I’m not in a great place and I feel like the world is working against me. But I remember, though, that what goes around comes around! And yeah, kindness has got me further than any amount of money, intelligence or power.

6. I’ve Learned That Love Is So Many Things I’ve learned that love is more than just romance and and cutesy relationship on Instagram and Path. Love can be for a time and place. I still look back at my time doing KKN with my friends in Pujon with nothing but happiness and reminisce about the past semester in Brawijaya University. Love can be for your job or any other involvements you have. And, love can be for people in a non-romantic way. I tend to think that I need love in my life in only the romantic sense, but the right place, job, or friends can be the love I want, just not in the form I expected.

7. I’ve Learned The Importance of a Workout I used to think that working out was only something done to lose weight or shaping body. But, after I got more into running and some exercises, I have realized that exercise can be a great stress relief and a good outlet after a long day. It is very meditative.

8. Missing People and That’s Okay. As much as we all hate feeling like we are being too reminiscent or caught up on the past, sometimes we need to let ourselves miss people and the friendships we had. Let ourselves miss people, and on a bigger note, let ourselves feel bad after a long day or sad after a breakup. Sometimes, we just want to feel happy, blocking out other emotions, but it’s unhealthy to not own our feelings and ignore our emotions.

9. Take pictures. Lots of them. If there is one thing I regret, it is not taking enough pictures. Pictures are captured memories that I will never forget and will always be able to look at and reminisce.

10. Go to Bed Early You will thank me. When I’m younger, I think it’s cool to stay up all hours of the night, but when I get older I realize the more sleep I can get, the better. And when we are waking up every morning for school or work, we are going to feel a lot better if we go to bed early the night before.

11. We Are Going to Lose Friends. It happens. The friends from high school or college, that you made a pact with to be “BFF’s” won’t always last. You are going to go to different paths, move away, and lose touch. Of course there are always going to be those few friends you hold on to, but there will be plenty that you will probably never talk to again. It’s sad, but that’s life. You will make new friends in new college or in your workplace. And you will learn that sometimes it’s better to have a small group of great friends than a big group of good ones.

12. Don’t Be A Follower. Embrace what makes you different and unique. Be who you want to be. Don’t conform in order to feel accepted.

13. Set Boundaries I’ve learned that there will always be people who will try to take advantage of me. So I set clear boundaries and don’t let it happen.

14. Travel While You Can I’m getting older, and life seems to just sort of happen to me. I realize that my youth is a time of total empowerment. I get to do what I want. So, I travel wide and far. I travel boldly. Travel with full abandon. We should take the time to see the world and taste the fullness of life. It’s worth whatever investment or money or sacrifice of time that may be required on your part. Traveling teaches me to live an adventure. It helps me encounter compassion, and allows me to get some culture. Do this while you are still young. Do not squander the time. You may never have it again.

15. Seasons Always Change Just like the weather, seasons of our lives will always change. I’ve gone through seasons of extreme loneliness and extreme love. No season lasts forever and I can promise you it will come again.

16. I Can’t Change Anyone I’ve learned that it’s pointless and rude to try to change someone. Either I have to learn to love the person despite their faults or just simply move on. And most of time, I decided to move on.

17. God Reveals Himself in Time Everything happens for a reason and it usually isn’t immediately apparent, but in time, and with prayer, the reason usually becomes clear. Often it’s so extraordinary and breathtaking, It will even blow you away.

18. We Become Who We Hang Out With. I’ve found myself changing the way I talk, act, and treat people because of the people I’m spending my time with. So, make sure you spend time with people you want to be like.

19. “Time flies” isn’t just a saying. It’s true. When I was in middle school, I felt like I had just graduated elementary school. When I was in high school, I felt like I had just graduated middle school. Now that I’m graduating college, I feel like I just graduated high school. And before I know it, I will be working and take responsibility for my parents, feeling as if I just graduated college. It’s scary. So stop wishing for “Friday to come” every week. Slow down for a second, take a deep breath, and enjoy every single moment that passes by, because one day you’re going to wish that you had them all back.

20. I’ve Learned To Be Wrong I’ve learned to keep learning and revising and changing my opinions and viewpoints. So, twenty years from now, I may look back at this list and cringe in the horror of all my wrongness. But if that day comes, it’ll be okay because it’s important to be wrong about things and learn from these mistakes.

21. Stop Wishing For More Once we get one thing, we are constantly thinking of the next thing that will make us happy. What about everything you have been blessed with so far? Be thankful for what you have.

Me: For some of us, 2015 has been a very hard year.

Some of us may have gone through a very painful heartbreak.

Some of us may have fallen out with a few close friends.

Some of us may have even lost a loved one that meant so much to us.

But, 2015 has also been a year to give love another chance. 2015 has also been a year to forgive, learn and move on. 2015 has also been a year to get back to loving "You" more. Let the end of 2015 be what propels you to where you want to be in 2016.

Let go of the relationship that drain your spirit.

Let go of the people who don't add value to your life.

Distance yourself from negativity and move closer towards positive vibes and positive people.