The problem with Rhaegar Targaryen is that there are two of them. There's the one that GRRM intended to write, a tragic Lancelot-like figure that dooms the kingdom to war for love. There's the other one, Rhaegar as he's actually present in text, as a vague figure you can project anything onto.
Bcs here's the problem I think. The things that happen as a result of his actions are too grotesque and horrific. "Oh it was a tragic misunderstanding", well the Starks got put in a Saw trap. The way Elia dies is so horrible that it throws a shade over everything. It's probably GRRM's biggest mistake. It's a little difficult to be charitable about the entire thing, when this is what waits at the end of it. He didn't mean to do it, but he stepped into a huge nest of racism, misogyny and other issues.
Yes, GRRM meant for this whole thing to be something that couldn't have been predicted. Yes, Rhaegar couldn't have known what would happen. But also it's a little difficult to care, because Elia gets a death from an ero guro manga.
Yes, GRRM seems to forget how young these characters are, and that a 16 years can't actually have a consensual, balanced relationship with an adult man. Yes, it was meant to be a legitimate romantic relationship. And maybe if that was the only off thing in this story, it would just be something to squint at and move on. But compiled on top of everything else, it becomes another red flag that makes Rhaegar look less like Lancelot and more like a villain.
Like I can see clearly what Rhaegar was meant to be. Same as I can see that Dany/Drogo was meant to be romantic. I see it and I'm saying that GRRM failed to portray it the way he wanted to.
It's not that he is a bad person, it's that he's a bad character.
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