Consumption, Expulsion

6/7

Its been a really crazy few weeks... In a really bad way. My dad passed away from cancer. He was only 50, and he'd beaten it twice already. I always held on to the hope that he would someday reach out to me to be a part of my life. He'd really turned himself around. I was so proud of him. We ran out of time... but I hope that he knew that. I hope that he knows that now, wherever he is.

He didn't leave me anything, and he didn't have a will, so my fascist maggot mother is going to get everything he had. She's going to be absolutely miserable. But it's what she deserves. She isn't going to be helping me out whatsoever either. So I really don't feel anything but pity for her.

A friend of ours - the one that was originally going to be our third roommate - adopted a dog even though she sleeps in the park. she's started selling cigs to bums to feed him. but she isn't going to interviews I schedule her for, and she isn't being any smarter or more responsible with her money. I told her that she's on her own now. But if she can work her street magic to get herself a phone, I'll go back to helping her again. I just can't keep devoting time to her when I'm barely hanging on by a thread at this shelter.

The shelter... is a mess. Its more of an asylum than a shelter. Its nothing like the other one. Over there, the bums were like...gang members, ex convicts, drug addicts, and guys that just got really unlucky. Here, the women are mostly just. disabled. Elderly and severely crippled, mainly. A handful of drug addicts and prostitutes. Most everyone is really nice. At least to your face. I get a lot of bad looks, but aside from trash getting thrown into my bed I've been mostly left alone and getting by. I've made a few friends that I really like. I'm also really glad I'm not the only trans woman here. But if the administration at the other shelter ran the place like a prison, the administration here runs the place like its the army. They're a lot more... accessible? It's easy to come and go. But they're insanely strict about their rules. Daily fifteen minute showers are mandatory. Attending the nightly reading of the rules is mandatory. You don't have to hit the streets when they kick you out of bed, they let you stay in the cafeteria during the day, and then you can go back to bed around 3. But there's no privacy whatsoever. Fights break out every day. Lots of stuff gets stolen and goes missing. But, like. Most of the staff is really nice and patient. They really go the extra mile. Most of the guests are doing their best too.

It's clear to me that this is effectively the best case scenario for where you end up when you get old or disabled and have no money or relatives to take care of you.

5/14

Bunkmate bestie bailed on me because of what my brother told her so now we're not going to be living together at all like she'd been assuring me for weeks and weeks now that she wanted to.

All alone, again. Like I always was.

5/11

My ongoing bills are paid for the month (thank you so much to the folks that donated, you seriously saved my life and I appreciate you so much 💖) so at least I don't have to worry about that. 

So... I've got two weeks to find a place and leave, or find a job that works me 25 hours per week. They won't even negotiate on the hours and how much I even get paid is irrelevant to them.

This place fucking hates disabled people so much it makes me sick. It makes me so fucking sick.

The limited income housing place doesn't even open for another month AT LEAST, and I haven't even been approved for it. There's 36-57 units available for over at least 1,000 applicants. I'm applying with my current bunkmate at the shelter. She works full time and is willing to take care of the rent until my SSDI comes (she's an angel and i love her). But, we still need to get approved. Will two broke neurodivergent trans women make the cut?? Here's hoping!!

Even in a best case scenario, where we get approved and get an affordable place... I'll still be kicked out of the shelter for at least a week until the place becomes available. 

And that! is! fucking! scary! to me!

Trans girls at the shelter literally call on me to come and protect them from men out here trying to molest and abduct and rape them IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. and I'm gonna have to spend my NIGHTS out here?? With these creeps running around???

Needless to say! I'm fucking terrified.

There's another shelter I'm going to try, but I hear they have a horrible track record with trans women. Its a women's shelter. In an extremely christian area. Girls I know have been let in only to get kicked out with no warning. Some of them have been chased off the premises just for trying to get in for the night. Looking at the data I've collected, it seems to depend on how well you pass, and how white you look. I pass for a butch lesbian and I look white even though I'm half Chinese... So... fingers fucking crossed!! Maybe I've earned enough Good Girl Points with both my good behavior and my tendency to do this shelter's staff's fucking jobs for them. Maybe they'll vouch for me and I can keep off the streets. 

Or... maybe a miracle will happen, and I'll get enough donations to book a budget motel for a week or five... Otherwise, $400 to camp outside... That's insane to me tbh. Four hundred dollars to sleep outside on the ground... But every motel is at least $50 a night so that would be almost the same price per week... Literally nothing on when lottery winners can enter their units, btw. Just "June 2026". 

The apartments building manager wants a lot of documents to vet applicants. Not just bank statements and pay stubs, but also birth certificates and social security cards. If the screening is tight, maybe we really will meet the criteria for both income and need... maybe we'll even get a good rate....

A girl can dream.

It's literally in the same building as my primary doctor's office, can you believe that? It's like. Too good to be true. Too good to be true...

Anyway, before I get my hopes up too much.

Last Wednesday I also renewed my application for traditional assisted income housing. It's primarily an ongoing project for disabled folks like me, but it'll be tough to get approved before my SSDI comes in. Likely to take a year to even receive a determination.

So at least there's a second iron in the fire. Still not much I can do until SSDI comes through. Just gotta not die until then!

If everything fails... the SSDI doesn't come through on the first application (it never does, I know it wont, I know I'm going to need a lawyer, but I don't have time for that yet.) and the shelter kicks me out and I can't find a job and I can't get into the women's shelter and the apartments deny our application and the other assisted income housing doesn't come through and the goal for the campground doesn't get met... Then I guess I'm fucked. I guess I'm fucked! I'll just. Sleep outside and beg anyone and everyone that can spare an ouce of pity for my worthless crippled ass haha.

.................

My name is Wake. I'm a 31 y/o trans woman that was abandoned and stripped of everything. I have no family no savings no car and my food stamps got cut off cause this country is fucking evil. I spend every day wandering the streets waiting for soup kitchens to open until the shelter lets me go back to the cot I share in a room with strangers.

Not long ago, I escaped from Florida's hate fueled anti trans campaign and basically hitchhiked all the way from Tampa to Lansing. I've been crashing on a couch ever since. And its been ROUGH up here. Central Michigan isn't as bad as Central Florida... nobody throws shit from their cars or shouts slurs at me on the sidewalk. But still, nobody there would respect me enough to give me a damn job. And since I had to leave my car behind, I had to rely on public transit. It's was awful! But I'm used to it. My parents kicked me out the minute I turned 18 and I've been treading water ever since. Which is over a dozen years now...

So, I've got no family, no friends that can take care of me, no car, no degree, no job, and no savings.

The shelter I'm at is the only shelter in the country that I could find that readily welcomes trans women. It's not great, but I didn't expect much. They serve breakfast and dinner, and a soup kitchen down the street serves lunch. Curfew is at 7pm, and the kick us out during the day from 8am to 3pm. Normally I wander around or "take the wrong bus" for an hour, until the library opens at 9. I'll hang out there till noon, go to the lunch kitchen, and then come back to the library until I can go back to my cot at the shelter. I'll nap until dinner, then go back to bed afterward.

My food stamps got cut off because this country is evil. I'm trying to find a way to beg for more but I haven't had any luck yet. I also submitted my formal disability benefits and cash assistance applications. So... Maybe good things are on their way. I try to stay positive and keep my eyes on the good things coming my way. I've been helping the other dolls at the shelter, too. Three of them were suicidal when I got here... one of them got kicked out for starting a fight. That was on my first day too. Never saw or heard from her again. But the other two girls and my bunkmate are becoming fast friends. They've been through so much... I don't blame them for being suicidal after the losses and abuses they've suffered. But I'm really glad they're still alive and I'm really glad they're letting me be their friend.

My roommate is a trans girl too and she's great. Super considerate and kind. She's got her situation under control better than any of us lol She's even got a job and maybe an apartment on the way. We haven't been bunkmates for long, but if I had to share a bunk with anyone, I'm glad its her. (also she snores like crickets chirping and its cute lol)

In my first week I actually had a different bunkmate: Some trans guy that didn't shower or change his clothes ever. He was like a biohazard you could smell coming from ten yards away. We didn't talk a lot before he got kicked out for not washing himself. Another trans person got kicked out for attacking one of the trans women that stay here too. 

Being homeless really sucks for a lot of reasons. But, I have to remember that it could always be worse. 

I'm really lucky that I dont have to sleep on the same floor as cis men. All the other girls that have had to stay up there have either been raped, molested, or eaten up by bed bugs. Or all three. The newest girl had it so bad she had to go to the hospital for the THREE DOZEN INFECTED HOLES that bed bugs left in her legs...

I'm really grateful that the other trans girls have been so good to me. They've been really happy that I know how to get cartoons onto my shitty laptop. We spent all our time together freezing to death in those cells watching the harley quinn series lmao. That was really cool, despite the circumstances.

The worst part is Sundays. The worst day of the week by far. Still have to be out by 8, but the buses dont run until noon, and the library doesn't open until 1pm. And the lunch kitchen doesn't open at all. Absolutely miserable. I've been sucking it up and buying the cheapest coffee at a local gentrified cafe and just sitting there for seven hours listening to music on my phone, but staff and other customers have started taking notice of me... in a bad way. They haven't approached me or kicked me out yet but I can tell they don't want to welcome me there anymore... Its really humiliating.

I'm just... so fucking tired. I have myalgic encephalomyelitis. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I need almost twice as much sleep as the average person. My body just doesn't replenish its energy at the proper rate when I'm asleep... days where I work even a shortened six hour shift typically knock me out for a clean 24 hours afterwards. so, you can probably see how being forced onto the street during the day is torture for me. Even though I go to sleep at 5pm, I have to be so very very careful to measure and conserve my energy so that I won't sleep through my alarms the next morning. Everything hurts so bad. I've been taking more and more painkillers and even though im alternating between brands I'm still worried is having an effect on me. My ears and eyes hurt and keep getting infected. My legs are absolutely killing me. I just... need a break.

and the shelter isnt going to give me a one, apparently. Not for my sleep, and not for Sunday either. They won't even let me volunteer with them on Sunday while I'm staying with them. what they want me to do is go to church but idk how to explain to them in a way they'll understand that i cant do that cause I'm just going to fall asleep and get yelled at and asked to leave again. sundays suck. suckdays.

also, as a bonus birthday treat in February, tumblr staff took my pfp and header away on my main! awesome. really needed that. looking like a bot has made it so much easier to reach out for donations that I need to stay alive (sarcastic). staff sent me an email that they got my appeal request, but nothing else. its been a MONTH, now.