caín

some thoughts on altan and chaghan's wounded heart

I have been on the ao3 waiting list for what feels like forever 😭

https://archiveofourown.org/works/77888351/chapters/204070596

i'm anxious but also happy because i'm genuinely doing it for fun without caring too much about the quality of my writing—and i know that's the entire point of fanfiction, but my perfectionism is a serious disorder that has basically flustered the thing that i love to do the most through my entire life. writing has always been a hard deed for me to love, it has always hurt too much because is when i realize that i'm alive. i'm trying to make "done is better than perfect" my leading catchphrase, because someone needs to be kind to myself right?

a small update 3 months later because i feel like i need to put my goals in line to myself once again.

as expected from me, i'm stuck at my wips (lmao)!!!!! but surprisingly i'm not feeling, like, bad BAD about it. i know i'm feeling bad and i still feel like i'm running out of time within all of my responsabilites, and even if the last time i opened my docs to write something was in march, i'm not feeling angry and depressed about it like i'm used to, which is new and interesting. i'd say that, for the first time, i'm feeling like an adult trying to put their life together, because that's basically what's happening.

i think college is starting to take me somewhere. not particularly in employement, but in a way of it's finally starting to make sense to me. i struggled with my feelings about college a lot because it was not my first choice of graduation, but i grew to love it, and now i'm trying to get adjusted in my academic life.

by that, after a year of avoiding clinical centers and living unmedicated, i finnally went to a psychiatrist.

to >my< surprise (and none to an avarage person with a brain) this changed things A LOT. i am, for the first time of my life, experiencing a life with a routine!!! i'm getting produtctive!!!!! even if i'm still getting used to it and adjusting my schedule bit by bit, it's something that has turned things completely to me. hopefully, this will help me along with my writing journey as well.

what i've been doing as an author since february was: i started a silly one shot requested by a friend so then later i'd start writing katabasis (prev mentioned as kathodos, probably), although i don't know if i'll finish it. it's 3,9k long and i'm at the end of it, but since i took so long to write i doubt she'd still read it. and i wanted to write another one shot (because i'm in the mood) before i get into katabasis.

my plan for katabasis is to release it around the time pjotv is back with it's s2 and that's what's stated for now, but who knows? it'd be really cool if i could do it.

unfortunaly, i have to be in peace with my struggles (anxiety specially) in order to write. i also got confirmed that i must feel connected with the moment for the words to get out, and thats where my dillema's at, because to write something i must get most of the stuff planned, and planning a story, for me, an impostor syndromed perfectionist, takes time. lot's of time. and through that space of time my fixations to the sources, and media are gone. this sucks, but it's true. it's why i leave most of all of my wips unfinished. but yeah katabasis will happen, i want to write this one so bad and i feel like it should be there before i start writing CHB.

there's still hope for the anxious though, if it does not kill me i'll get there.

created this blog in order to gather a community??? to rant about my writing?? getting some creative frustrations out of my chest?? i don't really know. just felt i needed a space like this for myself, at least.

things changed for me a lot as a writer for the past months. i've always been chaotic (and still am) in my creative process, and the depression and heavy mood swings were always a part of it. my thing was basically having lots of ideas and getting tired of them at some point, or not having the motivation to go on with it, which obviously resulted in not writing anything at the end.

i didn't think i would make past my twenties though, so my inertia was kind of a desperation to me. i really wanted to write my stories, but it wasn't enough of a reason to make me want to live for so long. but for the past 2 years i've been learning to live with my struggles and mental disorders and it's surprisingly showing results. who would've thought?

now i have a plan. i know about my future projects and i'm trying for the first time to organize myself to bring them to life. unconsciously, i found the reason to make me keep going.

i've learned to appreciate life and i'm falling in love with it everyday. sometimes i still feel like i'm just wandering in unpleasant breaths, but it's one day at a time. it's not that i'm a hopeful person, but i've learned to be patient with myself, and that's the whole reason i made this blog. writing is definitely one of the things that i love about life and adds a day more in my living count, so, if i die, i want to at least have some entries of how passionate i am about this.

i'm not fooling around here. this is me past making fun of myself in believing i'm not capable of doing this. i was wrong and i'm here to prove that to myself.

funnily, the first project i'm working on is a short-story that i got from my plot graveyard. it was unexpected really, because i thought i was going to work on my book first, but inspiration is a phenomenon that comes out of the blue, and i think there isn't a better story to be the first to share.

this is all exciting. yet, i'm still afraid at how things will be when i'm back to college, cause it really interferes my whole process. but better than hopefull, i'm focused now. i know where my motivations relies and i'll see where they take me. also, i want to finish my graduation, so if one thing doesn't come up to another it'll be great....... for that part i've gotta trust on the prayers of my grandmother.

anyways. hello, this is cain. your new and yet old writer and skk enthusiastic. you'll find lot about them here.

coming up with: kathodos.

definitely a reborn <3