i was originally going to bitch about my mom always assuming i am looking for something wrong with me when i am just self advocating, but the topic changed very quickly when i was speaking with her just now, and it's a good thing i promise.
so my mother is the most toxic positivity riddled person i have ever met in my life and normally the positivity is nice when i am usually a pessimist/realist in many cases (despite my sagittarius stellium, i am so much like my father in many cases that i still expect the worse in most cases 'so i'm not disappointed') but sometimes it can be very grating when it comes to discussions of my health, and especially following my split with s.
this convo started bc i have an appointment coming up to be rescreened to see if it's not bipolar 2 like i've been told since i was 19 but rather borderline personality disorder. my mom at first said that she didn't want me to just look for something wrong and i told her 'no, i just want to make sure my therapist and psych are helping me heal with the correct methodology.' and afterwards she texted me saying "I just want you to be healthy and be your very best β€οΈ"
so then we started talking about some instagram reels i sent her and one of them was discussing feeling unloved. she said she hoped i didn't feel like that and i said that most times i don't, i know between my family and friends that i am loved, i am lovable af, and that i just wish that s knew that he too is deserving of love and was able to accept it. s was raised by very abusive parents and that does color a lot of what led to our breakup (it was not mutual, he dumped me, and you could visibly see how upset he was doing it.)
i'm just going to copy and paste our chat conversation here because it's nice to see my mom 1. accept my faith even if it's not exactly the same as hers and 2. be able to rationally talk about religion and relationships and mental health with my mother when for so long i've never been able to have a calm conversation about any of that with her or my father.
me: I love this Rabbi so much
me: Heβs awesome, Iβm gonna see if heβs on TikTok so I can send you his account
mom: I was just thinking the same thing
me: He is! Just sent you his account
mom: But listenβ¦Iβve been through that 3 timesβ¦I then decided to not accept anything less than that kind of loveβ¦and I have it with [my step dad]. Now youβll be ready to find thatβ¦itβs out there! Everything happens for a reason baby! β€οΈπ¦
me: Oh that wasnβt about me I know Iβm lovable. Iβm lovable af. All my family and friends that have supported me through awful situations is evidence of that. S didnβt make me feel unlovable. It just showed up on my feed and I thought it was a beautiful sentiment
mom: I know you areβ¦youβre just like your mama. He did make you feel loved. [Her maiden name] women just love with our whole hearts
me: Exactly! I donβt doubt he loved/loves me. Itβs because of his love for me that he felt he needed to do this. He thought I deserved more and better. And that takes a lot of love for someone to acknowledge that you canβt give them what you think they deserve and need.
mom: While I respect his decision I wish he gave you the choice to help him through this
me: You can lead a horse to water etc etc
mom: He needs to focus on him and maybe the further yall got in your relationship the more he thought about your future
me: Thatβs absolutely it
mom: He knows you love him
me: Thereβs a lot of astrology around him right now that kinda indicates that he is going through what is known as Ego Death
mom: This feeling of love he has for you is a strange scary feeling. You are surrounded by unconditional love, he wasnβt.
me: exactly! But also, his astrology right now is beating his ass and Iβm gonna explain it. So heβs an Aries Sun and an Aquarius Moon. I donβt know his birth time so I couldnβt get what his rising sign is but the default time for rising signs when you donβt know the actual birth time I believe is noon, which would make his rising sign a Leo. This is important info to know. Your sun sign is your lifeβs purpose, your moon is your emotions and your rising sign is your sense of self.
Aries suns are the starters, the motivators, but get burned out Very quickly bc they are very enthusiastic to do things but then overburden themselves
me: So Aquarius moons have⦠complicated relationships with their emotions. Aquarius as a sign tends to be very distant when it comes to emotions anyways, so to have that as his MOON sign?
me: They are also very Idealistic, so if anything seems Not Perfect Whatsoever (like any conflict whatsoever, anyone seeming even slightly upset at them, etc etc), they cut and run. His rising sign (if we presume Leo is correct) means that they are passionate, generous, loyalβ¦ but also stubborn. Arrogant, in many ways. Like they are Always Right and you canβt tell them shit about shit.
See: me trying to tell him βtf you meanβ and him just being stoneheaded
mom Omg [my stepdad] must be Leo lol
me: So, with all that being said, hereβs why the planets right now are beating Sβs ass.
me: The planet Saturn, which deals with structure, karma, discipline, maturity, takes roughly 29-30 years to make a full rotation.
me: In astrology, the ages of 27-30 is known as your Saturn Return. This is when the energies of Saturn returning to the same spot it was in the sky, down to the same degree, basically enforce cosmic adulthood on you. If you didnβt go through hell before, the universe makes everything come crashing down around then to make you grow tf up and learn lessons youβve been putting off.
mom: Sounds like itβs his time and yall had shitty timing
me: Well no not shitty timing but Iβll get to that.
So, heβs already in the middle of his Saturn return, right. Heβs 28 now, turning 29 in April, which is when itβll hit full return on him.
Weβve got 5 planets in retrograde right now. Retrogrades are when the energies and lessons from planets are forced upon us to reconsider and reflect on, because a retrograde is when a planetappears to be moving backward based upon the differing rotation times of planets compared to earthβs orbit.
me: We have Saturn, Neptune, and Chiron retrograde in Aries. Mercury has been retrograde in Leo and comes out of it tomorrow. And Pluto is retrograde in Aquarius.
We also broke up right around the full moon in Capricorn during Cancer season
Now hereβs what all that means.
Saturn, again, is the planet dealing with structure, with karma, with maturity and discipline. His Saturn is naturally in Aries and is nowretrograde in it, meaning that he now needs to reflect on his karmic lessons and is being forced to be an adult and grow tf up and realize where he is burning himself out, that he needs to stop being so hot headed and impulsive, and acknowledge that just because he can do something doesnβt necessarily mean he should
Itβs a focus on accountability.
mom: And how he behaved that night was not a man who didnβt love you
me: Neptune is the planet of illusions, dreams, but also delusions. Itβs idealism and compassion but it also guilt. That is retrograde in Aries. So again, heβs now being forced to approach his thoughts of βam I being too idealistic in my approach to life and what I want?β And feeling like total ass about it.
Chiron is known as the βwounded healer.β Itβs our internal wounds and struggles that we have difficulty facing but have a passion to help others heal. His is in Scorpio (mineβs in Cancer which is HILARIOUS and Iβll explain that later)
Iβm gonna just show you exactly what the chart i pulled for him says about his Chiron
βThere may be a deep-seated wound around trust, power, and emotional vulnerability. These individuals may have experienced manipulation, betrayal, or situations that left them feeling exposed or unsafe. Intimacy may be both desired and feared. Yet within this shadow lies profound strength. As they reclaim their power and explore the alchemy of healing, they transform pain into wisdom. Through this process, they become guides for others navigating emotional depths.β
me: So he had no problem allowing me to be vulnerable with him. He made me feel heard and loved and whenever I told him the concerns I had that made me wary (like talking about having my illnesses or letting them interfere with plans thanks to [my ex fiance] always making me feel like ass about them), S would always reassure me that it was never my fault and that I canβt control what my body does when its a chronic illness, and would go out of his way to accommodate for me. He allowed me to be vulnerable with him and discuss things that I had a hard time talking about before him.
But he couldnβt do the same for himself because thatβs his Unhealed Wound, his Chiron.
me: Scorpio is also, again, the sign that deals with death. He hates funerals. Doesnβt believe in them. And, again, didnβt go to his momβs.
mom: He could give that love but couldnβt accept it
me: THAT is retrograde in Aries. So he is now forced to reflect on THAT energy as well.
mom: And thatβs prob why he wanted to keep things casual at first
So he didnβt need to deal with it
Until my baby got her hands on him and he was like βohshitβ
me: Pluto, the planet of transformation, rebirth, death, necessary endings. Retrograde in Aquarius. This is him needing to reflect on what in his life needs to change. Finding new ways to approach connections, his goals, what have you.
So heβs probably now addressing βam I actually afraid of commitment or does that need to change? Am I doing whatβs right by me or just doing what I think is supposed to be right because of what societal expectations have made me believe is rightβ
me: And, finally, Mercury is retrograde in Leo. Mercury retrograde, the most notorious of them all, deals with communication, learning, thought processes, how we βtravelβ through life.
This is in Leo, the sign of the ego. He now has to address how he speaks to himself. What his thought processes are over what he feels he deserves
me: So all of this is going on, WHILE ALREADY IN HIS SATURN RETURN.
So I show up, a Sag Sun Aries Moon Pisces rising, full of adventure and passion and embracing the unknown, and shower him with love.
With my Chiron in Cancer, which means that my unhealed wound is feeling unheard or unappreciated or feeling unsafe when i was younger⦠meaning I want him to feel safe and heard and appreciated.
And his transits plus his actual unhealed trauma from growing up in an abusive household has turned vulnerability into a blaring alarm meaning he isnt safe, because prior experience has trained his nervous system to treat vulnerability as a βweaknessβ to be exploited
me: And so he closed off and pulled away as an unconscious (and in some cases conscious) means of protecting himself because thats what hes known his entire life.
me: Exactly.
So he kept himself safe but alsorecognized that what I βdeserveβ/βneedβ, which is emotional vulnerability without it feeling like Iβm lighting him on fire, he couldnt give me at this time.
So even though it was physically KILLING him to be vulnerable and openly cry in front of me (last time i saw him break down crying he literally hid under the blankets so i wouldnt see him, not even kidding) he still did because he knew that it would drive home the point of what he was saying
Unaware that he was, literally, doing both the best and worst thing by (1) showing me the vulnerability i was asking for but (2) doing so by pulling away which in turn set off MY learned nervous system response of freaking out when i feel like im being abandoned or unappreciated.
So thereβs a lot we both need to heal from right now. But I genuinely do think that the relationship we had wasnβt bad timing. It was divine timing. It was showing us what wounds we need to heal. What we need to grow from and move on from.
mom: Well I just hope he gets the help he needs.
me: I hope so too. I know [his sister] had said she tried talking to him about therapy before but maybe now heβll listen.
Not that I really have much to say to [her] right now but thatβs neither here nor there, Iβm just very annoyed with her.
mom: I hope he realizes what he could have
me: If itβs meant to be, weβll find each other again. Thereβs been too many signs for us not to be together.
mom: Reacted π€ to βIf itβs meant to be, weβll find each other again. Thereβs been too many signs for us not to be together.β
me: And heβs still friends with [my bestie] and he even added [another friend of mine] AFTER the breakup so he still is holding on to connections. And neither one of his sisters have blocked me.
mom: So you do you and he can do him
And see where it goes
