Devising with Kyra

Sobrang babaw but one of the skills I super appreciate from working in theater is how to make spreadsheets djnfeojbofge Like??? I know how to utilize gsheets to make schedules, directories, item trackers, etc. It’s really useful for me because that’s one way for me to keep track of a lot of things. I learned this while being part of the A-Team for two productions. I did gsheets to schedule individual consultations and pocket rehearsals as well as to track the stuff we’ve borrowed for the play and it’s a convenient place to store contact details! I guess it’s also translated to me using notion (as it’s a more aesthetically pleasing interface for me) and it was easier for me to transition to that platform from gsheets. 

I’ve misinterpreted MAGIS a lot in my times as an Atenean — where I thought it was doing more things quantitatively. That’s why I think I worked myself to the point of extreme exhaustion for productions before. Where I would stay up until 5am to go through scripts, or stay in Regis or McDo just so that I can work on acads before the next day. I then realized that MAGIS is not in doing the quantitavely more, but in the qualitative. It’s the kind of effort that does not surpass limits but instead allows you to understand the very helpful boundaries you have set for yourself. That’s why when I do theater now, I always have to go back to the reason why I do this. And I would have to ask myself if the exhaustion is from me working way too hard for naught or from me exerting my best efforts because I believe in it.

While making our first draft, we really did take it one step at a time. Where we outlined what we wanted and then we dove into the gritty details and nuances of each video. We set our limits like how long the videos have to be, how many we’re making, and what kinds of shots we have to do while filming. We iron out these details because what we want to show is quality rather than quantity. If it ends up that our piece is just shy of 30 minutes long combined, I would be completely okay with that as long as we are proud of the process we took to get there. Because I really do enjoy the times we devise together, it’s some of the most fulfilling meetings I’ve had because it’s just a bunch of creative people wanting to make something beautiful together. And that’s enough to keep us going.

Our first week of devising was jam-packed. Mainly because we really threw out idea after idea after idea. It was exciting because we had a lot more synchronous meetings and we arrived to something we can work with now.

We were at first thinking it can be like a reality TV show, with confession rooms and funny sound effects when there is drama. But then we were stuck on how to introduce our characters so I showed them a video of voice actors introducing their characters in D&D and we went with that vibe. We wrote each other's intros because we wanted it to be on a perspective that's not our own and they turned out equal parts hilarious and dramatic. Now, we've arrived at the visual novel video game kinda theme. I'm pretty satisfied with that form because it's not vloggy, like our previous work, and it has room for more opportunities.

All of us were really hands on in molding the form of our thesis. Because we all agreed that we have enough content to work with. The question was: how are we going to do it? How are we going to tell our stories? So we really went through a lot of references and we did take a while to arrive at where we are with the current form. There were a few disagreements like with how we do the filming, the look and feel of the title, but I think we were able to unearth better suggestions from those disagreements.

I think my strength as an ensemble member is my ability to marry ideas together. Because sometimes we would throw out ideas and they would be Good ideas but other ideas we had might be in the back burner because of them. So I try to ask questions as well. Like "how will this be done then with this new idea?" or "so will we be doing this instead of this?" so that we can justify why we're doing certain things.

I feel like what I need to work on is allowing myself to take time with the ideas. As a budding improv performer, my brain works fast. I yes and things and build off of stuff in a blink of an eye. So, I need to work on letting things marinade and digest. Because there are ideas that we had before that came back up now due to the new ideas we laid down. It was because we let them stew and become something new.

I think what makes theatre is the community and their willingness to collaborate and to create. Theatre is nothing without the people who have the passion and drive to put something out to the world, no matter if there is a stage for them to perform on. I wholeheartedly believe that what we are doing now is theatre, as it really does heavily emphasize on working together. And making it all work despite our circumstances. Theatre is kept alive by the sheer motivation of artists who want to continue telling stories despite the perceived limitations.

Honestly, the bricolage approach was very effective for us because we were able to see how we were able to relate to each other despite our monologues being directed towards separate people and about separate topics. However, I was struck by the fact that other people were able to see that we had a shared pain.

Shared pain.

My group and I, we've shared some of our most deep and personal truths to each other. From the powerpoint party to the update meetings to the monologues to the bricolage, we have been sharing pain. We shared some of our most unconfortable moments and vulnerabilities. I really do want to give justice to our stories. Because one of the other thesis people said that there is universality in its specificity. I want others to understand that pain is not something you should suffer through all by yourself.

Truthfully, the digital space is still a learning curve for me. I've performed a live online improv show before but that didn't require rehearsals and prior planning. And being the only person in our group who knows how to edit videos, admittedly I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders in making at least the end product an amalgamation of our shared vision.

What I miss about pre-COVID theater is being able to work together in the same space. There is still a very heavy divide when everyone are just faces on a screen. I talked a lot about how theater thrives on everyone's basic humanity in terms of being connected to each other, but why do I still feel so distant? Sometimes numb to feeling when I am just on camera.

Also I'm a very touchy person in general. I'm a hugger. I express my love through physical affection. You can imagine how touch deprived I've been these past 6 months, not being able to reach out and hug Tristan when he's crying about Nathan, or not being able to hold Dana's hand when she's struggling to find the words to express herself. It's been very hard for me in that way.

Honestly? I don't know what to do after COVID. I don't know how my degree will help me navigate this new normal without feeling that anxiety of one day just dying because of an invisible virus. I'm fucking terrified and I feel like that's why I've been barring myself from feeling too many unpleasant emotions lately. We've been preaching about feeling and feeling and feeling even if it hurts so bad but I couldn't do it until I was provoked. Until I was bleeding my heart out in a 3 hour zoom meeting. Until I was asked why are you still trying to get it right?

... Is there something wrong with that?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I want to break out of that need to be perfect. Fuck. It's like I'm back to freshman Kyra. That's fucking fantastic, isn't it? Freshman Kyra still lingers even when Senior Kyra recognizes her flaws and things she doesn't want to be anymore.

And yet, she is still here, one hand on the steering wheel, waiting to throw me off course.

There was a moment in our bricolage making process where Tristan just copy pasted the lyrics from Nothing Without You into the padlet because that was one of his equivalents. Then, Dana said that there was a sentence in one of my equivalents that had a similar theme/tone of the lyrics. At first she was like “Do I paste it as a separate post?” but then in a stroke of inspiration, I said, “No actually, place that line in between those two lyrics.” I did the same thing with one of the lines from Dana’s equivalents.

Then somehow, we all realized that it looked like a poem and decided we should read it out loud, interspersed with the similar breathing sounds that was found in both Tristan and Dana’s equivalents. 

I think that speaks the most about our group. We’re a very “let’s try this and see if it works” kind of vibe. The moment we come up with an idea, we go for it with no holds barred. And we always check in with each other if we are okay with it. No one person is the “director” or “leader” of our group because we work better when we make decisions together. 

What I really appreciate about our group is that we don’t really put pressure on ourselves. From the very start of when we all got together, we made it a point that we should trust the process. We don’t think about what it’s going to look like in the end until we try things out. We’re also really chill in a sense? Like, I never feel like I should compensate for anything with this group. We’re all very capable people and responsible in our own right.

I also jokingly said during our meeting yesterday that at least one of us has to have one functioning braincell. It doesn’t necessarily mean that braincell is the leader. It’s just the person who guides the group into what we’re supposed to do. I’m glad that it’s never the same person who does that. We always alternate who will be the one who reminds everyone what we need to do for the week so that it never feels like one person is carrying that responsibility.

The one drawback I can think of with our group is that it takes a while for us to get going. Like, our joking motto is “now, what?” because we always pause in very long silences. It’s been like that for a while. Sometimes we just need a push in the right direction. However, once we latch onto an idea, that’s when the ball gets rolling. We try and try and try. If it doesn’t work, we figure out something new. 

I think our bricolage is actually pretty unique in its own right. It wasn’t a mashup of different videos and sounds and words. Instead we focused on the words and the sounds we made. It felt like a voiceover to the start of a coming of age film, which is a common theme we’re all pretty obsessed with while making our thesis. Also, the decision to just make it purely audio instead of showing our faces while saying the words felt almost like a whispered confession. Like these words are only meant for certain ears. That our voices are the best tools in which these words can impact someone.

Also, with all of us taking many classes this semester, I’m glad we decided to do this thing early. In our group contract, we stated that we must be transparent about the things we are doing for the week and what we have scheduled. We wanted to make sure that we have ample time for other just as important activities. We also stated in the group contract the importance of mental health breaks. We can’t constantly be working because burnout will just bring a negative impact to the process. 

It was kind of freeing to move around again. Because we weren’t really pressured to make a performance, I just did whatever came to my head. I thought about how much I missed doing something like this onsite, in the studio in Arete, and it made me a little nostalgic. I admit, I felt really awkward at first but then I just thought to go ahead and fucking do it. No one else is gonna care. We’re all doing silly things together, right? There is solidarity in the oddities.

The object theater workshop we did last week was one of the highlights of my week, honestly. It was a lot like playing dolls with friends. One of the things that was absolutely hilarious was that Iago was my partner in like all three iterations of the partner work. It was like our little “dolls” were friends at that point. It felt a lot like going to a friend’s house after school because we were so familiar na with each other. I also really loved when we did the group work where we did a scene in a party. It was head empty energy but it was so fun. The energy we had at the time really paid off and I missed just playing with my friends.

I really loved doing the Equivalents padlet! It actually forced me to really find associations and connections from the words I gave myself. I particularly liked finding the text excerpt for Vulnerability. Because I read a lot of fanfic (this 6 month quarantine alone I read over 400k words worth of fanfic???) and I was very giddy going through my favorite stories from my bookmarks. For the equivalent where I had to put my own text I was a bit nervous because literally everything I ever write is fanfiction. So, I hope no one ends up finding my AO3 account please hahaha

I care about empathy, truth, and connectedness

I believe in self-regulation, vulnerability, and creativity

the above picture is my artistic journey told in 5 stages of my life from birth to present!

Watch me attempt to explain my artistic journey in less than 7 minutes!