Lifestyle Choices - Eharmony
Online dating? you tried it? Well let me tell you I have. Well no not me personally but my friend, Joker. He um. Well he has to "work all the time" and has no time for even the whole internet dating thing. So being the good friend that I am I told him that I would take care of it for him. You know go through his 'matches' delete all the fuglies. Once they were narrowed down then I'd go through the 'get to know you' process. I don't know how many of you know about eharmony, thats what he was using, but you start out with a get to know you phase. You just send your likes and dislikes to the person you want to get to know. Depending on what they think of your liking or disliking of things such as: frequency of going out, job, family, yad yad. They can choose to continue to get to know you and send you theres. Then there is some sort of question thing next.
The question thing was my favorite. Eharmony provides you with some default questions to send. I guess if you are too awkward (if thats possible on the internet) or stupid too think of what you would like to ask this person then you can just choose the default. I am no default. So I came up with some questions that I thought were great, well for me anyway. I'm not sure they accurately portrayed Joker but hey I was the one doing it and wanted to have some fun with it.
I don't remeber all of them excatly but one of my favorites was, "If you could have a dinner party with up to 6 people, alive, dead, famous, real or fictitious who would they be? Where would your party take place (anywhere you want actual place or made up) What would be served? And anything else that you would like to throw in. (would there be music? etc..)" It was a great question to narrow down what type of girl you are dealing with. Half were overwhelmed by such a question, clearly showing any lack of imagination or creativity. Which for me is a no go. Some wrote really cute and sweet things like, "I'd have my family there and we'd eat at my grandmothers house." Ok so family is really important to her. What this says to me is that you don't have many other interests in your life? I'm not knocking family thats all good and well but thats not the point of the question. Do you not have any interest outside your family. I mean the question is designed to show yourself.
I feel it is the straw and the camels back. You make or break your chances with how you answer these questions and which questions you decide to send. For example a common one from the girls was, "What is the most important part of a relationship to you?" Things like that.
This one was always really easy to answer and make yourself look like a good guy. I wish I remembered exactaly what my response was but if you are a man with half a brain its your chance to shine. I mean shit its not like you are at dinner with her and she asks you unprepared to your face. Therefore; you can cultivate a good answer.
I think I would say something along the lines of, "Honesty. To me the ability to trust someone and be honest and upfront allows for the strongest type of relationship. If you cannot be honest with someone its difficult to share who you really are and allow them to be who they are...." I don't know something reeking of a stinky cheese aroma that girls love to smell.
First of all it became pretty clear what type of girls these were depending on which questions they asked. If they went with mainly default questions they were lame. Simple as that. I mean when you are trying to get to know someone in real life, say on a date, would you ever ask, "who is the most important person in your life?" No, clearly not. Well hopefully. But on the world wide web of looking for your soul mate (or new fuckbuddy) this is a standard question.
Now don't get me wrong it can certainly be a tell what a person says to this but it's still a little awkward to answer considering how little you know of this person. I mean really. If I write that it was my grandfather who taught me more of life's lessons than anyone and have some little cute story of course the girl is going to assume that I am a lovely person. When writing responses I could just see the girl with her friend saying "aww look at that he loves his grandfather he's so sweet." Then the friend of course says, "Ooo you have to go out with him." Thats all good and well. But that might mean that I was raised by my grandfather, my father used to beat my mother so I had to live with them, or I never knew my parents. It opens too many doors too soon and leaves too many of them open. Going straight for the jugular of 'knowing' this person in such a manner is a little short sighted to me. But hey its online dating and this is how it happens.
There are a number of problems that the average guy faces when a woman is presenting him with these questions in person. First of all he has most likely never thought about such things (we have limited daily thoughts) causing his answers to be filled with hesitation and ummms and well and I think. Basically coming off as a lout. But the tricky part is is even if you do somehow pull something out of your ass the girl is still looking at your face and knows you are lying or embellishing the truth. Enter the beauty of online dating. Unless you over do it you can think the question through and put something coherent and most likely an exaggeration or an idealization of what you would like to think of yourself.
One of the best questions that I got from a lovely girl named Jackie was, "What are your political preferences?" Wow. Really? Really??? You certainly know how to scare them off. I feel that this should be a very big flag for most, but then again I am not your average guy and looked at it more as a challenge to see if I could answer and still get her to go out with me..um my friend I mean. There are many avenues to take with this one. I could just outright declare my party lines and risk her being different and therefore ending the sequence right there. So I answer as any good politician would by giving the non-answer. Something like, "Well as in most things in life there are many different ways of getting things done. I am usually in support of whom I feel is going to get done the things in which I feel are important the most effective way." Doesn't make any sense does it? Nope not really. I think I actually wrote something better but you get the point. Someone who is so forthright with there questions has got to be an interesting/crazy person and to this I enjoy emmensly. Once again this was for my friend not me so I am going for entertainment value above anything else. And her pictures weren't half bad.
Thats another challenge that I need to mention. In her pictures she had different hair colors and cuts, which lead to an inconclusive image of her only that she could be hot.
Joker, "I mean in that one pic she's pretty hot. Is that even her in that other pic?"
Me, "I don't know I like her in the picture with the bangs. I hope that she still has that hair." Ha online dating.
Anyway I proceed to woo her into the personal email/note that you send and take it to "the next step." After my one message to her she responded with her number and email. A little too eager I would say, or easy. She kept saying how she wanted to ride my, his, motorcycle and that she loved them... So I find a time for both of them to meet.
Being the deviant that I am, and especially after the time I put in, I was going to go. I wasn't going to go with my friend of course but I was going to 'happen' to be at the bar where they both were. Genius I think to myself. There is some Monday Night Football on so I had a legit, albiet week excuse, to be at the bar by myself where my buddy happend to be going on a date.
Now the Joker had been working a lot and doesn't really know anything about this girl except what her pictures look like, well maybe. I make it to the bar to watch the start of the game but my buddy is nowhere to be found. He texts me that he is going to be late because he has to work. Then he tells Jackie that I am there and that she should hang out with me until he gets there. O goodie! I did all the work now this is going to be fun. So he tells me she is wearing some 'pink' top or something. I peruse the bar and don't see anyone in pink. I also don't see anyone who looks like this girl. He text me again with a tad more description but I just go looking for a girl siting by herself at the bar to watch football. I find her. And she aint what she was in the picture. Not bad mind you but different. Kinda like the fact she said she was wearing a pink shirt that in no way resemble pink.
So I pull up and order a beer and its super awkward for many reasons. I mean I know everything about her, well in an online dating sense. I try and break into the normal conversational questions to which I already know the answers to. Being the coy bastard that I am I get warmed up and suprise her by talking about things that she is interested in...Ha I talk with her about ballet. (I forgot to mention she was in ballet) To which I discover she didn't go to a normal school but a ballet specific school with only 20 or so people in her class. Another flag. I mean I love dancers don't get me wrong but someone who is sucked away from normal life for that long is going to be crazy. After thirty minutes of bullshiting my friend finally shows up. This is actually working a lot better than I could have imagined.
So lets do some shots he immediately says. Ok sounds good. Then of course she points out that she can't do shots of "jagger, whiskey, rum....I only do tequila." Another red flag. Joker, "Whatever, tequila it is." Now normally he would have layed into this girl about being a pussy or asking if there is something wrong with her. But you could tell he was just glad not to be working anymore and just wanted to drink.
He pulls the chair up on the opposite side of her and we all begin to chat. Now this is one of the funniest situations I have been in. I had just been playing the 'get to know you' game with Jackie for the past thirty minutes and now my friend sits down to do the same thing. Only thing is he actually doesn't know anything about her. But he is suppose to since they have been getting to know each other on eharmony. On top of that now its like I'm in on the date with him. Awesome. I don't have any friends there so it would be wierd if I just got up and went to go sit by myself somewhere. Especially after such enthralling conversation with Ms Jackie.
So this turns into a wierd triangle of conversation. He doesn't want to ask questions that he should know the answers to. They are trying to get to know each other and I am sitting there right beside them. Anyway, I decide to just jump in and tell him what we had been talking about to allow him to get a little background on her and avoid repeat questions. After things get rolling we both are starting to have fun with the ridiculousness of what is happening.
She goes to the bathroom.
Joker, "Dude she doens't look anything like her picture."
Joker, "And that isn't a pink top."
Joker, "I mean I guess I'd fuck her though."
Here is another thing women should know about men, we will put up with a lot of shit for some pussy. At least for one night that is...
Me, "Yeah I mean she's not that bad. Ok you going to bring her back to your place."
Joker, "Yeah, maybe we can wobbly-h that shit."
Me, "Sure man, I think she'd be down."
Jackie comes back from the bathroom and sits. Then out of nowhere a friend from high school (we will call her Morgan) comes up to Joker and gives him a hug, "Hey whats up?" I love when this happens. When you are with a girl on a date (first date nonetheless) and another girl who you have known for a while comes up to you that you have known for a while. What does the Jackie do in this situation? What does Joker do in this situation say, "O yeah this is Jackie the girl I've been talking to on the internet we are on our first date, o yeah and I brought my friend along too."
No fortunately we are better than that. Just a quick, "This is Jackie. Jackie, Morgan, Morgan Jackie."
Morgan, "O Bastard hey how are you? I haven't seen you in forever. What are you up to now?" *(The last time I saw her we fucked, but thats another story)
Me "O good kinda living in Raliegh now."
Morgan, "Its my birthday tonight, lets do shots."
They down there shots then Morgan tells us to go downtown to hang out later. We tell her maybe. Then Morgan proceeds to tell us that she is in town for the month staying at the Embassy Suites for training for work. She concludes the conversation by telling us that they have happy hour from 5-7 every day and that we should come. Well me not having a job makes this offer very enticing, so I file it back in the brain for later reference.** (and another story)
Back to the three way. Well things are getting pretty loose. Joker decides its time to make the move back to his place. So he asks her where she lives. And we weren't ready for this response, "Well I live with my parents in Burlington." Another red flag. We look at each other in astonishment.
"Thats over an hour away." Joker says with a look of what the fuck are you doing here then?
Jakie, "O yeah and I have a curfew of 2:00am and if I'm late then my parents said they will kick me out of the house." Now we are both thinking what the fuck are you doing here. Why does she have a curfew? Great.
Lets gather some quick Jackie facts. She told us that she is 28, went to a ballet school for 8 years, she doesn't know what the color pink is, she lives over an hour away from where we were, she lives with her parents, she has a curfew. This is everything I was hoping and more.
Well she isn't detered by the chance of being kicked out of her parents house so she decides to join us back to Jokers for some pool. On the way over we both notice that Jackie is driving a Mercedez Benz. We must bring this up and we do. To which we discover another interesting tidbit.
Jackie, "Well my fiance bought it for me."
Us, "What? you have a fiance?"
Jackie,"No I broke it off with him."
Us,"And you kept his car??"
Jackie,"Yeah I deserved it." Me giggling to myself and thinking jesus this keeps getting better.
We proceed with the pool playing. Joker feeling it time to get to work brings up her ballet dancing again. He tries to get her to dance on the pool table.
Joker, "So what kinda music do you need, I've got it whatever you need to dance I will make it happen. Do you strip? I mean thats dancing too."
Jackie, "Um I don't want to dance."
To this my buddy immediately has the turn off switch hit and he is ready to call it a night. He does have to work the next day. So he heads upstairs to take a piss. He lets me know that if I want her I can make a go at her. He has to go to work tomorrow I don't. Well hopefully I can fuck her on the pool table. Without telling Joker, but he clearly knows what I am thinking, and looks at me and says, "No stains."
While he is gone I talk to little miss Jackie who coyly mentions, "Umm, yeahh I can dance, I mean I used to be a stripper..." At this point I was expecting her to say that so I didn't hesitate for a second. I have fucked strippers before and there is a very certain way of dealing with them.
Me, "O really? didn't work out for you?"
Jackie, "Well its where I met my fiance then I quit."
Me, "Ok, I'm going to go take a piss, you want a beer?" (mind you its 2:00am now)
On my way up the stairs I mention my newly discovered information to Joker. To which he unleshes the joker smile as wide as I've ever seen it.
Joker, "Wait really? I've never fucked a stripper. I've always wanted to fuck a stripper, dude she's mine now."
And as soon as I am out of the room he goes for it and starts sucking face.
I come back downstairs to give Jackie her beer. Now Joker is unabashedly going for the close. He is telling her that she shouldn't drive all the way home and just stay there. To this I was actually in agreement to, she was drunk. But I didn't stay long. I just grabbed my beer and headed upstairs to smoke some pot.
Well lets just say we both ended up smoking pot. Jackie kept sending text about the great time she had yada yada. We never called her again...
* (The "Do you party?" story)** ("Threes company at the Embassy or was it Four" Story)Hopefully I will write both of these at some point
