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i don’t think of you enough i never really mourned i think it never came. i can’t handle this grief but i can’t express it either so i will pray to this nonexistent god that i don’t even believe in that if k get it out you will feel better. i don’t think i have ever properly talked about it with anyone and i don’t think ill ever do repressing those feelings and making myself a victim is so much easier. maybe what you did in the end was an act of bravery and im the coward, im so fucking scared but not of dying but of the act of doing it.

sometimes i think it was all my fault i always talked about my fucking things and i poisoned your brain. but then didnt i try my best anyway to help, maybe it wasnt enough but truly i dont even remember. i dont even remember your voice, nothing i said to you, nothing you told me. my mind is playing those dirty tricks on me and i forgot about you so fast and i cant remember you the way you should’ve been remembered. i never once went to your grave because i was too embarrassed to ask my mom. i only talked about with her twice i think. i will never forgive myself for what i did that day and how selfish it was i tried repressing those emotions and there still overflowing my guilt still fucking swims but. i don’t even know what im guilty for

some other days i like to think that i helped you. even for a bit. maybe. but i also didn’t notice i dint know i didn’t even fuckinh know i didn’t check on you for days thought it was okay that everything was fine. you know my parents didn’t even tell me the day they found out. my dad took me out for a fucking dinner and told me i will get assaulted if i move abroad. i thought it was fucking funny at time, he was playing a father out of a sudden maybe feeling for all the shit he did to me. no he knew then. knew what happened to you and didn’t tell me. i think i was the last one on earth to know. and then i had to tell everyone else

i never think of you. unless it’s days like these when i feel so down and when i relapse and then i think of you. but otherwise i never think of you. i bury you deep down. i don’t count the days i don’t go to your grave i don’t light the candles i don’t talk about you. but when i think of getting a tattoo you are the first thing i think about. when i hear your name i freeze. but i don’t think about you not at all.

i want to have you tattooed on my skin so i never forget because you were the first person i lost. and maybe it scarred me so much i will never heal but it was never your fault. i never once blamed you because i wouldn’t blame myself too. maybe i’m even jealous that you had the guts to do it maybe im so fucking selfish because it’s no longer about not being here but being with you. maybe i’m just spewing it all because i’m insensitive sbd i know your mom hates me for never showing up even tho i promised

i promised i would visit your room, i would talk to your brother i would see your pets. but it was just too awkward to ask my mom or even yours. i was so scared of reopening the wound i never even closed it. i never got the closure and i never will especially not like that just posting that on some dumb side but it’s the only way i can let it out hoping someone would read it but at the same time they never do

i just swallowed my snot so hard i landed in my childhood bedroom on my moms lap crying while my drunk dad kicks us out in the middle of the night. i haven’t felt that way in so long and i still have to go outside and exist.

i find myself here again maybe a year later maybe it was summer last year i don’t really remember but i’m still mad. i can’t think of you enough and i feel like i already lost the plot and im not thinking of you anymore

now i’m scared because i have to wake up tomorrow and i’m terrified everyone will see either my scars or my puffy eyes or the way i will pretend everything is all right all day just to crash again when i come home

happy one month anniversary to my favorite clip of all the time