Deviant-demo

didn't see that coming XP

im thinking i need a bit of a break from my computer......

I know.....lets boot up the xbox.....

Today ive worked my arse off and now all i wanna do is play games.

Hello from my sub....no wait...thats not right, i was going to go with subconscious but then i thought that im sure that is the one who is in control so wouldn't that make it the conscious mind?  

ah who cares. well 9 days into the new year and to be honest, i feel like shit... but ive decided that im not going to write it down any more due to every time i did, i just got worse and worse and just couldn't get my arse out of the black hole i had slipped into....

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I think im just going to try and keep a daily log of my days, you know just something to do more then anything because outside of my work, gaming and chasing ghosts (no not the spirit kind) i don't really get out a lot to talk to anyone. 

I was thinking to myself that maybe this year, if i can keep myself away from the death thoughts, that i might try and get out a little more. Im aware that staying in the same 4 walls 24-7 (i work from home) is not healthy in the least. Its not like i have an excuse because i live only 5 miles from the beach, just pop on my ipod and jump on the bike and im away. i mean it sounds great when you say it, but its the doing part i have a problem with.... in fact, i think its the whole growing up i have a problem with. Bills arnt a problem, you know, yeah i pay them, i buy food on-line (hate pushing a trolley around the old gits standing in the isles like they are lost) i keep the house clean, but i cant help but feel like a child.

I love my gaming, its my one hobby next to drawing that i will never stop doing (probably why my relationships fail, just not met the right woman) no matter who asked me to stop, i just wouldn't. So many times when ive been in a relationship ive tried to get involved with their hobbies or at least show interest, but as soon as i want to sit down, have an evening in or see if they would like to chill out and play a co-op game or something, its like ive just taken a shit on the floor or ive just burned there favorite dress..... I mean come on, ever heard of the take a little give a little term. Why do a lot of people see gaming as a  child's past time.... ( i do understand why they do, i just cant be asked to type the history of gaming and how people saw pack man as child like thus linking games to children....) 

sigh i need tea......

lately ive been playing all the new games (well old mostly) from the steam winter sale (oh my wallet hates me haha) and i have to say ive been having a lot of fun with pay day 2. ive not even re-subbed to WoW (i think im finally losing interest YAY)

Ive also been playing a lot of borderlands 2 which i had on my xbox but got it for my pc mostly due to it was CHEAP and i dont have to pay a yearly sub to play games with my friends (yes im looking at you microsoft) which also means i can finally get my steaming up and running, well once ive got a decent microphone and the bloody internet is sorted out.

YES the bloody internet is a fucking mess right now. im paying for a 30MB connection which i get from midnight to 10am but anything out side that time and the connection drops to 1mb......YES 1 fucking mb. So as you can Imagen that trying to upload and download work from the server is a bloody nightmare....

i just need to get hold of my isp again, haha this will make you laugh. In the past 2 months, i have called my ISP SOOOOOO many times that i know everyone's name in the office HAHA and they know me..... now thats not right is it. Im all for supporting the local businesses but if they cant provide the service they say they can then what is the point. Looks like ill have to get a new ISP once my contract is up.

Been a little grumpy today....well the past few days. the lack of sleep is really effecting my ability to get any designs done and the one's i have done.....are well......FUCKING ATROCIOUS, so much so that ive deleted them and started again. I was able to get a batman hoodie completed (after several attempts and many cups of green lemon tea) so i guess that was a plus. 

I think im going to call it there today as im in need for more tea before i give the ISP another grilling.

so 12 days have been and gone and how am i feeling?

That's a question im not quite ready to answer but i feel that im close.

2 days away from christmas and my birthday... i hate this time of the year. I dont hate christmas, i just miss what i used to have. 

Being able to spend it with someone you love, curl up on the sofa after dinner and watch rubbish tv and just enjoying the company... but alas once again i will be spending this year alone. 

So ive been spending my time going through my stream library playing games ive brought though out  the year in the sales.  Games like batman Arkham city GOFY, borderlands 2, path of exiles,  WoW, bastion, deadpool, street fighter are just a few to name. 

Ive enjoyed playing them all but i feel like they are just time fillers, but then again, arnt most games.

I miss the days when you could get a group of friends over and battle it out on smash brothers on the N64 all huddled around a 14" tv. All this tech around me and gaming has turned into a sit in my room alone with voices in my head..... kinda depressing when you think about it. Just cant beat the physical company of friends. . . 

Dont get me wrong, having friends all over the world is awesome but all they really are is pixels on a screen and a voice in your head.... You can even call them up in the middle of the night to have a heart to heart and hug when your down... 

As i was writing that little blurb i realised how lonely i really am... damn it...

days 71-73

So once again ive missed a few days, not due to being lazy, ive just been really busy and just forgot to post. Never mind.

So ive spent the past few day fixing computers and just being active, wow my body hates me right now. All i want to do is just sleep haha.

sleeeeeeeep

nope ive got work to do. 

Ive just had an email from someone asking if i can improve a pdf catalogue with the font......wait for it.....yes you guessed right, COMIC SANS!!! lol Who in their right mind would think that font looks good in a cataglogue?? really?? and what makes it even worse, they used the bold option.....wait for it, it gets better. Now i can only guess the bold option wasn't thick enough for them, so to get a thicker line, the copied and pasted the font 4x on top of its self..... note to anyone who wants a thicker font in illustrator, Just select the outline tool and tweek it untill you get the thickness you want, your printer will love you for the small file size :P

idiots....

im sure ill have more to rant about this work throughout the day because this is just the first page LOL.

Now i like Christmas as much as the next person, but the one thing i hate more then anything is when someone cant find the right decoration and blames everyone else that they cant find it..... WHAT'S more annoying is when you tell them that they threw it out last year, they don't believe you... IF you don't believe me, why ask me in the first place. "sigh" just leave me to my work and go look for something that isn't there, once your done looking, you will realise you threw it out last year and you can come and apologise to me XD... HAHA who am i kidding, your not going to do that. I know you and i know that your going to sneak out the house and replace them and try to lie that you found them... Don't insult me. 

I've got this squeak on my bike that i just cant find. i though it might be the gear's so i oiled them up before getting out this morning and guess what......squeak -.- im i guess ill have to put WD40 (spray oil to non uk people) on the bearing and see if that helps.

Right im going to have to stop here for now, i keep getting interrupted. im sure ill come back later to rant some more.

days 66-68

---nothing to report.....or is there??

So i saw an advert in the newspaper about teacher training and i though to my self "why not".... Now before i go any further, as a freelance graphic designer, i never know when i'll  have money to live comfortable. I make enough to pay bills and put food on the table but thats about it really.

Any way, i called up the school to enquire about the advert and i got invited along to an open day (which was today). 

Being back in a school just brought back unwanted memory s but i pushed them to the back of my mind and sat though the presentation that was given....Now if you know me, you will know im not a suit kinda guy, so i dressed smart casual, you know kinda what you see teachers wear... Anyway i felt SOOOO under dressed i stood out like a sore thumb. 

then i was the youngest person there, which wasn't too bad..

Random not(my eyes are heavy)

Over all the whole thing was okay until the moment they said how many places they had (7 in total) and that only 2 places which were funded by the school it self, the other place had to be self paid at.....wait for it....£8k...

right before you say, "that's not a lot, you can get a grant//student loan for that" I have never once in my life (so far) taken a loan out and always paid my way with "if i have the money, i can have it, if i don't, i cant"

I just hate owning money because i find it very stressful when i even owe £10 to a family member...i hate it.

It will be a great career change but i just don't know...do i apply for it and go from there? i don't know. its a lot to think on and sort out...

moving on....

When i got home, i checked my emails to see if any work had come through (no such luck) and then all of a sudden i was asleep at bloody 1pm in the afternoon...i haven't done that in a few years....

ive got a lot to think about at the moment and the first thing on my list of thing to do is crawl into bed...

soooooo......night

-Demo

scratch that, i have to get this down....

IM SOOO PISSED at myself for not keeping to a daily blog. Whats the point in doing this if i dont do it properly.. so disappointed with myself right now... im not even feeling sorry for myself, im just pissed off that im not sticking to what i was going to do and that was keep a daily log...

fuck this im off now..

Day 59-65

Its been a week now since i last blogged....what's changed? not a lot really. unfortunately i ended up slipped into the darkness even further then before :( so not happy about that..

It my own fault really for trying to come off the anti dee's by myself. I was able to get a doc's appointment yesterday and worked out a system for possibly coming off the meds as long as i can sustain a healthy attitude alone.. I cant help feel that i wont be able to. Unless i can shake the dark thoughts and change my lifestyle, its going to be very difficult... not saying im giving up before ive tried, its just that i know its not something that is going to happen over night.

I feel so numb right now. took the sleeping pills lastnight to help sleep, Well they worked but im fighting to stay awake and yet i only took two lol. 12 hours later im still feeling the effect of them. Its times like this im glad i dont drive or have to leave the house to go to work....

Talking of work, not had any in a week or so...great thats all i need is a dry spell before x-mas..

Christmas??..??..?  there is sooo much negativity in the house at the moment. doesn't help that most of us have lost our jobs and steady income so it looks like Christmas will be a very small one..

I was thinking about going out for my b-day that's in a few weeks. might just take a long walk along the beach, that's a sad thought but i just want to be alone this year.

I think im going to stop here, i might continue this later tonight if i don't fall asleep in the meantime.

Im going to get tea.....

Days 57-58

Im not really sure if im up to posting tonight, im just sat here staring at my screen.

At the back of my mind, ive always liked the idea of teaching but im just not confident in myself, BUT.. i was flicking though the local newspaper and i saw an add for teacher training for a new school that has just opened in my arse..SO i gave them a call and they invited me along to a open day in December.

Its going to be a massive change from doing graphic design to teaching IT or ART to children and i wont lie, i kinda like the idea of it. 

I just typed out a line saying how i was looking at the teaching as a way to maybe better myself.... I took one look at the line and then deleted it... it just sounded like shit. I know im on a path to try and sort out my life and maybe be a better person but i just don't know.

Right now in this moment in time, i just feel like im in limbo floating aimlessly with no direction or cause...

Its days like this that make me feel like utter shit because i just feel so tiny and unimportant that my life is meaningless...

dammit, i hope im not on another downward spiral, just when i though i was doing so well without the meds. I really don't want to go back onto them but i guess i got no choice if all that is going to happen is that i slip back into a dark place.

I keep saying im going to do the audio version of this and that im going to go to the doc's OR that im going to try and get back in to shape....and i dont...

...shit...

i hardly ever let anyone down, but i don't seem to have a problem letting myself down....until i reflect upon it... i disappoint myself to no end..

..i ...hate....myself right now

Im going to craw into bed now and try to forget i feel like this. hopefully tomorrow will be a new day and ill feel better.