Vad hon sa till mig

i know a lot of people who take pills and after working hard and finding the right dose and struggling through some sore spots are now genuinely coping and finally find hope.

i know people that can’t afford their pills because their insurance doesn’t see mental illness as important. that get misdiagnosed before they find the right path to be on. that struggle with their real illness as a label because it burns them. 

i know people who take too many pills, who skip their pills, who forget their pills in the bottom of purses, who have six alarms so they never miss a dose.

but what i don’t know is what’s right and what’s wrong. what i don’t know is if the pharmaceutical company really has the best ideas at heart for those who suffer. what i don’t know is if you will be better on pills, off pills, trying pills. i’m not a doctor. 

what i do know is that i have never saved a life by pretending to be smarter than other humans. i have mixed feelings about pills to treat mental illness. on one hand, they are directly responsible for the violent deaths of two people i loved. on the other, they are directly responsible for the beautiful lives of many others. what i do know is that i have never felt better when someone tells me they know the “truth” about pills. about how therapists are people you pay to listen to you talk for an hour. about how we should all just drink more vitamins and learn to love each other and let the light in.

chicken noodle soup cures a cold. people nod when they tell me this, even though it’s not backed up by science. eat oranges for a stuffy nose, drink gingerale for an upset stomach. these are all tried and true methods.

and for mental illness? drink before getting on a plane. don’t sleep the night before, you’ll be too tired to think about things. take a shot before getting onstage. smoke weed if you’re anxious. yoga. protein shakes. sunshine. a new hobby. just do your homework and you won’t be so panicky. try running until you outpace your demons. 

but i carry my demons with me. 

i don’t know much. i’ve only just started therapy. before that, i tried everything. and while i don’t know if i’ll ever feel calm about being on medication, i do know one thing:

i am proud of you out there, all of you who are trying. who are scared beyond their wits about putting the wrong things in their bodies. who are scared of who they might become, of what they might do during the three to four weeks when everything goes numb. who wake up and take the pills even if others tell you to stop buying into the industry. of those who opposed the idea and ended up with a prescription despite everything. those who, even though they’re conflicted, are making themselves try it, because it’s worth trying it, because you are doing everything in your power to get better, to be happy, to hold on for another week. don’t let anyone tell you that pills make you weak. you’re certainly not.