ups & downs.

Are fictional characters really worth being so passionate about? That main guy wasn’t even the hot one. I couldn’t care less whether people like me or not. You can think I’m an asshole all you want - either way, you’re still thinking about me. 

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Of course they are! Fictional characters are, like, blank slates that we can see ourselves in! I, for one, think that Alice Cullen was Korean because she reminds me of me. You can’t tell me you’ve never seen a fictional character and gone ‘wow, they’re just like me’? And Edward totally was the hot one! Robert Pattinson is pretty much the hottest actor ever.

Ooh, that’s exciting! Which song did you end up doing? And did you get in? I prepared Olivia Rodrigo, Harry Styles and Sondheim, but ended up singing Tonight from West Side Story.

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I did First Thing To Go, I think it went pretty well, I mean I got in. It felt really good. How about you? I know Dalton can be find high-brow with their show choir stuff.

Damn, that major sounds even easier than mine. What are you gonna do with that after college? At least with Exercise Science I can become a gym teacher and torture kids for the rest of my life. 

Really? ‘Cause it seems to me like the only appeal of those books is for flickin’ the bean. I mean, I haven’t read a real book since our fifth grade teacher tried to turn us all gay by making us read The Outsiders, but I’m gonna venture a guess here and say those books don’t have too much literary merit to them beyond paragraphs describing “Edward’s sparkling pectorals.”

It really isn’t. I mean, I have to pattern draft, I have to embroider, design fabrics, sew, not to mention all the research & theory work involved. And after I graduate I want to design costumes & stuff for musicals.

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I didn’t realize that my opinion on sparkling vampires would trigger such an extreme reaction. For that answer, I think that’d depend on who you ask.

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You’re entitled to your wrong opinion, that’s fine. And I feel like if you’re not able to get a solid answer on that, you’re probably the latter.

Auntie Tana here with a quick PSA. Dorms have thin walls, which means I can hear you crying to Evanescence’s My Immortal like a bizarre emo ghost from 2004. You know who you are.

And to whoever’s been spending the night at the dungeon of questionable delights across the hall… I guarantee she’s faking it.

I wasn’t crying! I was trying to sing along!....At least that’s how I would respond to that claim if I was the person doing that...which I was not.

I just signed up for Drama Club and LGBTQ+ Alliance and I’m going to audition for the Warblers this Friday. I still have to decide which song I’m going to sing, as I’ve come up with several different options, but I can’t wait! Does anyone else have any exciting auditions coming up?

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I’ve got my glee club audition coming up soon too! Not for the Warblers, obviously, for the New Directions. I was thinking of singing something from Hayley Williams’ most recent album, maybe Good Grief or First Thing To Go. But what were you thinking of doing?

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Again, not harsh. Just factual. I unpacked my own boxes because I’m capable of doing it, but if someone isn’t capable, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to hire someone to do it for you. I’m not sure what you think that has to do with nepotism. 

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Well, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because I was raised well but jury’s still out on weather you’re good natured and kinda bitchy, or just an asshole.  

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Oh, I don’t blame you. I kind of did the opposite, though - I ended up driving back and forth several times on the same day, instead of just taking a box with me whenever I visited my parents, because I was just too eager to get it all done within one day. Twihard, that’s the word I was looking for! It sounds like you’re a very dedicated fan, and I love that you started to develop your own style at such a young age. Now, on to the most important question: Team Edward or Team Jacob? 

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I think everyone was just ready to get out of the house and into their rooms, at least over at McKinley that seemed to be the case because there was a sea of freshman hauling boxes out of their cars when I showed up. Yeah, my moms are always saying that I’ve always been an ‘individual kid’ and I didn’t really know if that was a good thing or a criticism in disguise but I’ll take it. I’m Team Edward all the way! I don’t understand why anyone would be anything but. I’m a vampire kind of gal. 

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What part of that was harsh? Everything I said was factual, as well as solid advice. 

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Well I don’t know about you, but I barely have enough money to pay for my dorm, let alone pay someone to unpack boxes. That’s not advice, that was kind of just weird capitalist Nepotism-kid thing.

Why do you have fabric in your room? Are you starting a sweatshop in your dorm?

Y’know, you wouldn’t have to make room for all your Twilight shit if you women just watched porn like normal people. It gets the same job done in, like, 15 minutes. Some of those Twilight movies are hella long. Why do you have to sit through 2 hours of pale people making moody eyes at each other just to get your rocks off?

I’m a Fashion Design major, having fabric is kinda important for all that. But I guess it does feel like a sweatshop at times...

That’s kinda the point, Awkwatina.

Jeez, reel in the feels before you go vasovagal, Girl Chang. Their “love story” could be used as an example of media representations of unhealthy relationships in a gender studies class. So many red flags.

Awkwafina isn’t even from the same country as me, she’s Chinese. That would be like me calling you Shakira.

I assume when you say you’re unpacking you mean for college? You should probably hire a personal organizer if you’re incapable of doing it yourself. Failing an assignment would be embarrassing enough, let alone failing because you lost it among outdated pre-teen media. 

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Wow, okay, that was kinda harsh. And I don’t exactly have the money to hire someone to unpack boxes for me, that seems like a real waste. And Twilight isn’t outdated, there was a new book released just last year and there’s meant to be more in the works. If anything is outdated, it’s hating on Twilight in 2021.

Why, thank you, Nutty Madam.

I’m almost certain it wasn’t, but, to be fair, I have no idea what lame erotic fan-fiction you’re talking about. They sparkle, they lurk around in the woods and they love people. If Edward had wings, we’d call him Tinkerbell. 

Don’t really appreciate the nickname, ya’know. My name is Tina. Tina Cohen-Chang. 

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Hearing this makes me really happy that I’m only ten minutes away from home so I can bring just one box at a time. Are you one of the original Twilight fans from the old days, or one of those  Twilight Renaissance ones, as I believe they’re called? Maybe you could give them their own special shelf?

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Lucky! I’m honestly not that far away from campus myself, I’m just too unmotivated to make two trips so I tried to do it all at once. Do not recommend. I’m an OG Twihard, I saw all the movies in the cinemas on opening night and had my goth awakening at nine years old. And a shelf sounds like a good idea, I’ll have to get my butt down to an IKEA.