Cleva

The lack of diversity out there causes children to stick to their parents way of thinking. It’s very closed off and backwards in some ways. I dislike the school. I dislike working with some of the people here.

What’s worse is that being in that environment makes teaching difficult for me. I teach because it not only pays for school but also is a healthy release for dealing with my dad. I am able to offer myself to others for the greater good.

But. I realize something else. I am teaching to have an excuse.

It was no easy task for me to finally accept a challenge by leaving school psychology to study engineering. I took a leap of faith and faced my fears. The semester that had just ended before my dad died was only the second semester where I made good grades. I had just got my GPA above a 3.0 again. I had just interviewed for a bunch of internships that semester and was about to score my first engineering internship. It was tough and if it wasn’t for my dad being around as my motivation, I wouldn’t have been able to do so. He was my support in that I only had to help with some expenses around the house. This allowed me to be flexible in my work schedule as well. Even with this support, it was still hard.

It was easy to walk away from engineering once he died. It was easy to drop out. It was easy to say, “well my dad’s dead so I don’t need to do this” and “I can be happy teaching”. 

But. After last year, I missed engineering so much. I missed having dreams of what I could do once I become an engineer. I also liked not pushing myself. Becoming lazy (well, more lazy than usual). I felt conflicted. I wanted the safety of not trying while wallowing in grief. I wanted the challenge and my dream back.

The safest option was to teach to pay my way through school. It was great because I needed to feel safe. I needed a way out when it got tough. I need an excuse because it’s too hard without my dad.

Sadly, I found out that won’t do. This job was suppose to be amazing. New school. Better behaved kids. Cool principal that hired me. Then..I started. Kids are better “behaved” but are entitled. Some are condescending and racist (and yes, it is taught). The principal that hired me left to go to a new school. I don’t bond truly to my coworkers. Nightmare!

It wasn’t until earlier last week that I finally had am end to my sadness about my current predicament. I finally stopped crying on the way to work because I was either sad about being stuck to a job I don’t like or thinking about my dad. I realized that I needed to be in this uncomfortable situation to push me to do more for myself. 

I have sold myself sort so much in my life. I’ve wasted a lot of time due to his. This goes for intimate relationships, friendships, jobs, tuition money..you name it. I waste my own time. Constantly. The reason is because I care about safety. What’s paid? How’s my grades? How’s the image for myself? It’s bull crap and I’ve been feeding it to myself for a very long time. 

I want more and I don’t deserve more for myself, yet. I have to make myself happy and fully invest myself into making this engineering dream happen. For me, that means I need to hate my job so I can quit. I won’t be teaching after this year. I will become employed in engineering internships. The pay is the same as a entry teacher. It will give me experience and I will be less tired at the end of the day. It’s a win all around and not that big of a risk. I plan to have a job no later than Summer 2019 but I am aiming for something Spring 2019. I am hoping to find one in a great location in GA so I can do a year round internship.

I’m excited and 100% comfortable with a decision that I have made, for once.