asteroid

I often think about how s didn't believe it was possible to be happy with one person for the rest of your life. I think this is true for some people. some people don't know how to have healthy attachment or stay even when things become mundane or difficult. I worry that I'm one of those people. it's probably true what they say about being a common denominator. my track record in that respect is abysmal. I don't know how anyone hears about how many relationships I've ruined and decides they still want to be my friend. I am literally the largest red flag imaginable.

I know this account is supposed to be reserved for faux profound bullshit. but I can't make this one elegant. it doesn't mean anything for anyone other than myself.

in these people I will never speak to again

an entire life I will leave in favor of another

one that is all too hauntingly familiar

pivot. Something so tempting about finding your own salvation in saving another. When all someone needs is one meaningful connection, I find myself wanting to be that person. I think of R, disillusioned with everyone in his life and how strongly he latched on to me at first. Now I think of C2, who I tried this with halfheartedly once or twice. Quite frankly I am scared of knowing her, and don't really want to. But the knowledge that I could have it makes it somewhat appealing. Not only to have it, but to be so completely primary to another person.

Ultimately I am afraid to know someone intimately because I fear I will despise them. I am unforgiving of others flaws, and judge harshly and immediately. I see these imperfections peek through their surface selves, and I am petrified. I have learned the hard way that accepting someones totality within your heart is a very dangerous thing. My tendency now is that of hatred. I cannot answer why, but I feel it so completely when I interact with anyone outside of a few people. Again I find myself needing to explore the in between. It should not require profound attachment to tolerate others.

shown the pain that you yearned for so desperately

almost entirely too soon.

and now encumbered by worldly things

alien yet essential to your being

did you finally learn how to miss

the time when you were completely free of them?

to savor the few solitary days you still have.

or have you become eager to find more disappointment

lying dead at your doorstep and

yeah. I don't know that it would be productive or lead to resolution. but it could at least convince me that when I see them in public they won't try to do something awful to me. I saw many of them today and I was afraid.

I feel like an awful person lately for how many relationships ive ruined. how unstable and inconsiderate I've been. some part of me wants their forgiveness more than anything. which is especially pathetic considering it's been 7 months since it all went down. I have plenty of friends now, but my relationships are all so foreign to me. every social interaction has a baseline discomfort. everyone feels so distant. my intense feelings have no outlet in anyone else. i got so used to depending on others in that capacity.

If I am to foster a rich inner life, my selfhood should not depend on the other. I cannot entertain the delusion of being understood by another, or else I will surely succumb to attachment. However, I will then have resigned myself to a joyless and banal life, entirely for the sake of self-understanding and completeness; a task which may altogether be impossible. But I remind myself that the pursuit of an impossible end may be fruitful in its own right.

Alternatively, if I am to bridge the gap between my inner and exterior life, and allow the part of myself which is most sacred to become attached to the other, I have then sacrificed some amount of selfhood. My inner life is then infringed upon by an apparition which is not even a true reflection of the other. I lose myself in my own image of another, for the sake of our joined self. This joining is a definitively impossible end, and the impossibility of it will forever haunt our relationship. It is impossible to know and be known by another. But it is only in this state that I may find some semblance of happiness. I prefer this option, but I am not currently afforded such an opportunity.