Today, I fucked up... by downloading an alarm clock app
Wrote this on my phone so apologies for any potential formatting errors.
Gonna preface this by saying that on a scale of one to ten, ten being a coma patient, i sit somewhere around a 9.3 at getting out of bed in the morning. This tends to cause difficulties for me as one of jobs requires to be awake by 5:15 am on a regular basis. Needless to say that while my on the job performance is pretty stellar, my punctuality could use some maintenance. Also this happened about a month ago.
So I decided to browse the Google play store for an alarm clock that may help with my dilemma (my phones built in alarm is not very loud and almost always ends in a parade of snooze button pushing and eventual self deprecation). I find one that in its description guarantees to wake the user up 100% of the time and herein lays the beginning stages of my TIFU.
So I download the app and start configuring my new custom alarm clock settings, all while thinking of all the heaps of praise and promotions I’ll get once I finally have a solid attendance score, like a fucking boss. Now, the alarm clock has multiple settings as to how you can choose to wake up. One is ‘complex math problems’ but I’ve never taken anything higher than an Algebra I class and don’t feel like waking up to a screeching reminder of stupidity and parental disappointment everyday. Another option was ‘memory games"…. nope. Then I found one caled ‘Barcode scanner’ which was just delightfully intriguing. It requires you to scan the barcode of an object in your house, and the alarm goes off until said process disables it. Pretty simple, forces me to get out of bed, and I can set it up so the object to be scanned in is my bathroom, thus allowing for a seamless transition into my morning routine. Volume cranked to eleven.
The first couple of days go off without a hitch, save for some minor troubles getting the phone to read the barcode, but nothing I can’t handle. I chose the handsoap at the bathroom sink and my object to be scanned. Then, one morning, tragedy strikes.
I awake to the theme son of “It’s Always Sunny” blaring through my ears (I’ve found that while it’s a relaxing tune, it also gets quite loud in comparison to most other alarms I’ve tried) I drowsily shuffle out of bed and hobble off to the bathroom. Still rubbing sleep out of my eyes, I reach for the handsoap bottle. whiff. nothing. I look down to see its no longer there. I start searching the drawers and cabinets in my bathroom but to no avail, meanwhile the twenty second “It’s Always Sunny” clip is nearing its tenth rotation. I frantically begin searching for any way out of this assault on my ear drums. Nothing. It disables your phone until the bar code is scanned. can’t take the battery out because of the expensive life proof case I just bought, even force shut down isn’t working (this app is DEAD fucking serious). I wake up my mom who is still asleep in her bed because it’s 5:30 am and ask her what she did with the hand soap. She angrily informs me that she threw it away because it fell off the sink and broke. I run to the trash to find it and I shit you not, the garbage men are two houses up from mine having already cleared our trash (yay!).
So now I’m in wal mart at 5:45 in the morning, phone blaring the alarm, nearing it’s 70th rotation, crazy eyed, scanning bottles of hand soap with my phone and cursing loudly to myself. All in my unmatching pajamas and slippers. obviously a few employees shift their attention to me, but it’s wal mart so I’m still kind of blending in. I find the correct hand soap, scan it, the alarm stops, and I high tail it back home to get ready for work as quick as possible.
TL;DR - Don’t drop the soap
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