brainwaves be damned mah boi can survive

I wiah I could make a post that says "you are cordially invited to unfollow me" that wouldn't be passive aggressive but jt is passive aggressive. bcos I am getting tired of watching ppl vague me lol

I think what it is is that you spend your teens terrified of losing childhood and wrestling with both adapting to and rejecting becoming an independent person and then once you're passed it you're in a short lull period for a while and then it sets in that you're never gonna get it back so the obsession doubles down even if you were already so so scared of ending up like that in the first place. bc you Know logically it's stupid as hell to fear being alive and aging is normal and just what it means to not die tragically young and the "consequences" (I.e. wrinkles or whatever) are not to be feared or desperately fought cuz its DUMB and you KNOW that but when it starts to happen you freak out anyway cuz it's New and you JUST got done being terrified. yeah

dealing with (evading actually) a very awkward online situation with someone rn and idk what to do so I am just pulling my classic go to of hiding from them. it is going to not work out like always 👉👉

the desperate wretch hits the weed pen at 2:40am, as if they have any hope to sleep for the 3 hours before they must rise...a doomed quest

kind of thinking maybe I am finally reaping some of the many consequences of loving to drink so much as my liver pretty much started swelling up and hurting halfway through today umm <3 that coupled with the general mental confusion that I can no longer tell if it's normal or not + the complete lack of appetite I almost always have. ok maybe these things are related

oh shit just remembered my grandfather died. huh. okay weird

I think I need to get tattoos to feel normal like actually. I mentally need them to cover my oodles of scars I knew they were permanent when I gave them to myself but UHM i was naught expecting to live this longggg girl and they're FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!

eurggh it's just frustrating to on one hand know your twenties are bullshit and it's completely unrealistic to expect to be big time successful at anything at my age but on the other hand i think I'm doomed to forever feel robbed of my early adulthood and all the milestones that were supposed to come with it lol. I never graduated so I have nothing education wise to show, no experience except the same entry level retail work I've been in for the last 10 years, it does all feel a little bit helpless in terms of imagining a future where I get to create or get job opportunities I'd be interested in. Once upon a time it seemed pheasable that I could've been a museum curator or someone involved in art or history, now it's just like. Can't wait to come home from my fail job so I can stare at a video game title screen and not play it before going to bed and doing it all again until I die 👍