"who said that" is a powerful spell that casts a defensive bubble around your most vulnerable thoughts

Men are alowdd to be ugly since they are all #ExpendableWarriors

Oh hey man. Good to see you. I thought you died. Didn't you die? I was sure you died? Why are you alive? Weren't you meant to die a long time ago?

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

#MyFly

"sorry for party rocking" I don't think you are. I think you're sorry you got caught

The water fountain when you’re thirsty af is definitely a top 5 place to publicly debase yourself

Thank you divorce for all you've done for music

i really hate the way the "boobs vs butt" thing got broken down into this implicit idea that butt is the nobler stance. it's really stupid. personally im a woman guy. [realizes how that sounds] [purses my lips in thought] [nods confidently] im a woman guy

(Out of deodorant voice) maybe we should all be more accepting of the smells our bodies naturally produce

u can start a movie on a weeknight if it isnt midnight yet

(guy who is probably liked voice) does anyone even like me

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

christian pitcher throws a christian baby

sometimes i feel like im climing up this incline again alone but thankully sisypus and the itsy bitsy spider and here with me

holy shit is that kate bush