Chef is in the kitchen

my liege is that item on the shelf too high for you to reach? fear not, i shall grab it for you. HNNNNNGHHH MMMMMHHGGH HHHHHHHH (cant reach it either)well shit my liege

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

i love to be the most laidback customer to ever grace an establishment. comrade i will wait one william years for your goods and services

my wife's hours are bonkers right so, and its been messing up my sleep a little because im not used to sleeping without her around. so i only got about four and a half hours of sleep last night. and then today i came home and i wanted a snack and i sort of accidentally ate an entire large deli container of bleu cheese crumbles + a mangesium vitamin gummy + a melatonin before realizing that the last time i went to sleep after eating Extraordinary Amounts of Psychoactive Cheese i met the ghost of my grandfather who told me that he wasnt upset at me for not being there when he died. and i am not actually in a headspace to deal with that right now. but im also not really able to stay awake. so im just kind of talking to the one crumble i have left like, hey, man, i know i kind of fucked up here, but take it easy on me. im. im scared. no ghosts this time. it actually meant a lot to me last time but i dont want two ghosts in one year thats way too many ghosts. maybe just make this one kind of wacky. nevertheless. not my will, but thine, be done.

In 21st century America, there was a pervasive superstition that rats could force people to do their bidding simply by grabbing ahold of their hair. It was often common courtesy to remove your hat, either as a greeting or when entering another's homes, to show them that you are not being possessed by a rat, and can be trusted to behave.

Have you seen the new movie? It's on library. It's literally on the library. It's on library without ads. It's literally on your local public library. You can probably ask for it on your library. Dude it's on your library. It's in the original case too. It's on library. You can watch it at the library. You can go to your local library and watch it. Register onto your local library right now. Go to your library. Dive into your library. You can watch it. It's on there. Your library has it for you. Your library has it for you.

odysseus tying himself to the mast but he's doing some proto shibari type shit to make his tits look really good and his crew isn't saying anything but it's kind of hard not to notice

fill your body with cranberries so the horse that kills you gets a sensual surprise when he begins to feed

i will give the  horse that kills me no such luxury

hearing about sex as a kid is like “you’re 100% going to do this one day” and then you grow up and find out sex isn’t real and your parents just lied about it like santa clause

stumbling into a fae world but im just wearing cotton and linen so the dangerous crow boys don’t give a fuck