Samantha

i said i’m going to

fully let him in spirals and all

if we collide or he can’t handle

it then we are not

compatible i still have my independence so i logically made the decision to let myself loose and put my faith in him

i had realized that i spent a lot of the earlier months doing what i do best handling myself instead of

letting him in and ya know something incredible happened

he leaned in even further ….if that’s possible

the man spent his lunch break rushing around to

bring me a plate of fresh food with 15 min to

spare fed me asked me about out my stressful day and tucked my hair behind my ear and affirmed us living together

we are creating a safe reciprocal space of love and understanding .. i can’t wait to do the dishes for him and bring him an energy drink and give him all the love and relaxation tonight —- i’m so ready to

move in with him

i also watched how he moves around suspect women long story but yea he moves toward me cares for

me shamelessly and shuts other women down relentlessly but politely ugh i’ve never seen such incredible masculine energy in my life

this man this man this man this man

this man.

i can’t even explain to you how much he turns me on

the fact that he’s been a not so good person “an avoidant” a true one , if you will. and i’ve been the anxious type but also a not so good person and this man said hey im gonna work on myself , in gonna become a better person actively and consciously after my past mistakes and somehow the universe brought us together ?

oof. trust me my incognito audience …

i have pry ed apart every nook and cranny on this man

i have tested asked given space set boundaries and held firm in my needs

i have broken down talked logistics and even gave him my most vulnerable bits and somehow somehow naturally and quite beautifully we move closer to one another

i can’t explain to you how much i already love this man

i’ve said from the beginning. this could kill me.

this could break me .

i’ve used every ounce of my entire being to trust and love this man without destroying what he wants to build with me , hell what we want to build together

i mean he’s so good , he’s such a sweet boy

he listens and his best friend is always bragging to me that he says he misses me in front of him and his best friend is like a a second boyfriend to me he treats me like a princess these boys follow me around like i know what i’m doing it’s sorta funny and cute but i feel very protected and i try to bask in it

but anyway

that’s besides the point i love that his mom welcomes me like their family she has a picture us in the center of her mantle for God sake, his best friend has spoken nothing but highly of me in Antonio’s defense and of antonio’s character

and i am able to just talk to him i am able to lay down my armor cry sometimes pull him close and tell him i need him to be there for me and he is he is he is

every time he’s never once since the day we’ve met bailed flaked or made excuses NOT to be by my side

he reiterates how gorgeous i am that i am a catch and how the women in Florida where he’s from are super hot and how in comparison i stack — quote “you are an absolute gorgeous woman”

and i just can’t see it — i’ve felt ugly and disgusting since around when andrew left i am starting to see the beauty slowly.., maybe every day he calls me his pretty girl and gives me loving kisses all over my face and i can’t even fathom this boy is real

i know he’s human believe me i see it every day his clumsy words his lack of discipline his avoidant tendencies i see them all but he always returns to me and our repair omg our repair after every fight or disagreement we come closer we don’t yell we talk he is able to tell me his needs and i am able to tell him what i need and we inch closer — ive never felt this deep with anyone not intimately, emotionally, physically, spiritually all of it,,, not like this

not like this. i think this may be a once in a lifetime thing and bet my ass i’ll die fighting for it

as we dive in again

antonio and i are moving in together August 1st with a full intent and structured plan to build a life and become husband and wife

I wasn’t sure if we were ready until

yesterday if i’m being 100 percent honest

but i approached him with some concerns

and he not only met me and calmed me but he started proactively planning the gaps that worried me as a man should who is serious about you

and i softened so deeply and i was like ok, i think we are ready deep fucking breaths as i try again

i’m letting go of the fear around my traumas and the residue that i have been pouring into him from past men

i’m letting go of my spirals— focusing on being fully present

i’m leaving the past in the past, fully and investing completely in him and i’m able to do that thanks to God, taking a year to heal, and choosing to not let my multiple past abandonments dictate our future or his character as my future husband

everything is going to be great-he is a sweet loving man and i trust him

only up from here — because positivity is something i’m about to be back on antonio deserves the best and i’m going to give that to him …after all

Antonio 🫦🫦 and I got into our actual first real Samantha vulnerable “fight” & somewhat panicking fight — I had to test if he could show up in this way and he passed with flying colors, actually

at first we were butting heads even getting a little passionate in our tone and he was so broody omg he’s so hot when he’s broody..anyway….

He became quite understanding and then we somehow repaired after all that I really don’t want to get into the details of the argument. I think that’s unnecessary but I noticed after he repaired, I was free to relax into the night with his family and I have never felt that way it was effortless and he stayed so connected to me after hearing some of my deepest fears regarding us i also fully cried in front of him for the first time

we were even laying together on his moms couch watching a movie and he knew my back was bothering me he massaged it earlier and every time i got up to take a sip of my drink he rested his hand right on the spot that was achy and i just —- could die happy

saw holly Humberstone last night and it was a 10/10 show and her new album is the first real dedicated Antonio album so far in our relationship that & life of a showgirl (i usually collect albums per relationship and thats his trajectory so far) ;)

seeing audrey hobert tonight and im excited but super tired from walking around philly all day lol —-

finally after 6 months I understand his communication style and way of loving me and this strange delicate heart in him …

obviously he has skeletons nothing we haven’t discussed but…

i continue to observe what boundaries i need and i relay them to him and he adjusts accordingly no arguments just curiosity

i woke up today nuetral —because it’s my first time having 3 nights away from him since we first started dating we fused at the hip quite quickly & having peace away from him like this is comforting and surprising i think im finally figuring out that secure attachment is warmth in the mundane showing up when there’s no intensity and keeping emotional investment within the relationship in totality

i didn’t know if my trauma would let me exist here but i think it’s shifting in real time and antonio being consistent loving kind and sexy as hell has me wanting to show up in ways i never did before

there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t sit next to him and think good God you’re a beautiful man not just physically but the way he speaks the way he touches me the way he moves the way we make rituals together the way he chooses me and affirms my successes and our future consistently and backs it with action and follow through — my body yearns for him when i say it yearns for him i can’t even glance at another man

i didn’t think a man like this was real but i attribute a large part of us working to my boundaries our communication and our intense attraction (we have mutual desire for each other on all levels) — if i had my way his lips would be glued to some part of my body 24/7 (no i’m not obsessed)

i’m not gonna lie his promiscuous past and showing up now for me is a double bonus i also know it’s a double risk it enhances attraction but also liability —- i never believed in taming the bear after years of “achieving it” to be honest

and antonio is a particular man in many ways and doesn’t commit easily but gives his whole heart when he does

it might work it might blow up in my face but holy hell if I could have written down on paper my perfect man well

no exaggeration …he’d be it

my sweet boy— who nuzzles me relentlessly and tucks my hair behind my ear to see my side profile and calls me pretty girl …still

he said i want to protect our image i would propose now and marry you now but i want to wait until we move in within the year ill propose and then we will marry within the following year and i agreed it felt safe and certain and i do trust this man we both agreed we want to be married to each other there aren’t any doubts unless we would throw a sidewinder at each other when we move in but im sleeping over 6x week lol we are basically already living together just the finances are what we haven’t fully had experience with yet besides navigating how we want to split bills , and obviously who pays for what and when and discussing how i want a provider man and he says that’s what he plans to be for me. he already started paying for our groceries which was pretty cool he slipped into that naturally.

but yea protecting our image sounded dangerous like he was putting it off but i also see form a perspective of outside pressures and influences and opinions weighing on the relationship because he has a family a lot of family that’s he’s pretty close with not to me tion friends so we confirmed we feel very mutual about each other but i can understand why put extra social stress on us and our future when we don’t have to he already has the ring purchased and in his possession so unless we fly off the handle on each other you know what i may be married for the first time in my whole life in the next two years

holy shit

i can’t even fathom how much time i wasted on men in my past

antonio knew in the first date

he consecutively planned every date from day 1

never missed a date never rescheduled on me never dissapeared when he asked me to be his girlfriend on the 3rd date he said he knew i was the one we both sat there flabbergasted neither of us realizing that’s what it is when you meet your person the man is certain right away

antonio strikes again with his healthy nervous system I was wayyy overstimulated last night

i just want to be healthy for this man

and he stayed so calm so relaxed gave me so much grace

hugged me and i came at his friends a little bit i was a little distraught because they don’t respect his time or mine or their own

& he came to me and said i love you i wont get mad because you’re mad you can be overstimulated and stressed im here for you

& told me he’s going to marry me and im like FUCK FuCK FUCK what i said tho was (because i felt my body soften immediately) “i appreciate you so much”

this man is so healthy

i’m so broken still

i want to be as steady as him …

more than anything

yesterday was a hard day for me i was crying talking to mary and just loosing my shit all over and things kept piling on top of each other

he’s so loving

maybe just maybe everything i have given even if in vain or immaturely

maybe it’s coming back to meet me and restore me

and maybe i can give just a little more

he’s young, we still need follow through

he told me officially he has my engagement ring

but hey at least we have a plan

and we know we are going to buy a house and when we are going to buy a house

when we are going to get married and when we are going to have kids

he doesn’t hesitate to get deeper with me

you know we are 2 weeks shy of 6 months and i started having a panic attack he was going to pull back simply because my ex and i got intimately deep very deep and at 6 months he abruptly left me through text

i know antonio is too consistent and steady for that though, he’s so wise for a 26 year old it baffles me yes he has his 26 year old naivety but we got into our second “fight” in 6 months last night

he was helping me practice guitar (we are taking lessons together because we want to make music) and i got like checked out because he was “helping me” and i felt like he was putting me down and he was reallly upset by me not being present and i was upset because i felt like he wasn’t listening to why i was checking out it got a little fiesty lol no yelling or belittling each other but very direct and at the end of it he told me samantha I want to help you. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not like the other men you dated. I know you’ve been through a lot, but I truly just wanna help you. I’m not gonna put you down and then he came in for love and he said I value you and I respect you and he asked me to tell him the same thing and I was so tight in my body but then I softened and I stroked his hair and I said I do value you and respect You and he was just so loving

I know he’s not perfect but he’s so loving and gentle and you know that’s something I’ve always wanted for my children to experience from a man. And to have a child see that type of repair between a man and a woman I think is so vital for a healthy nervous system. I’m still all jacked up. You know I’m still working through my shit but we’re not probably gonna be having kids for another few years so I have time to stabilize because him and I do co regulate quite well.

he’s so attentive to what I need emotionally and God you don’t know how much I’ve thirsted for that over the years. It’s so hard to believe that man stood in front of me last night and told me Samantha you are an incredible woman and I’m gonna show you how much of an incredible woman you are.

we had our guitar lesson again today and what he taught me ///the way he taught me actually helped

the instructor told me I actually did better than him this session

so i had to kiss him and thank him and then I apologized and he just loved up on me. And he truly did seem happy for me. He wasn’t envious or jealous or belittling.

our relationship , It’s healing me. It’s bringing my magic back. It’s incredible. My hope is coming back. My communication skills at work are better. It’s bleeding into all of the emotional aspects that nearly killed me. I love this man so much and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him I can’t believe the age Gap isnt a huge issue, but he’s so mature. It’s because he’s done a lot of work himself. He didn’t have a choice he had to I mean he did have a choice technically but you know he wasn’t the nicest person when he was younger, and he told me that, and he had a few people in his life who held him accountable and he bucked up, and he worked on his emotional shit. You know he has his flaws. I know what his flaws are, but they’re nothing that I couldn’t live with or nothing that we couldn’t communicate about or talk through and we’ve already talked about a few of the things and how we will manage them when we live together and you know it’s just easy. It’s just so fucking easy dude

when I brace for it cause I think it’s gonna be hard. He makes it so easy

sometimes i’ll be asking is this man even real?

it’s not the sexual stuff , i know i get carried away with that but one thing we both agreed on why we can unhinge sexually with each other is we both feel totally safe

imagine feeling safe emotionally next to a man

i think some of my favorite security features with this man are:

1) he openly asks me to hangout with him and his closest friends //will message me while he’s out consistently with inside jokes and photos when we are apart and blows up my phone before he goes to bed

2) it’s odd how he lacks structure in his daily life but prioritizes structure with me this man single handedly dismantles everything i’ve ever thought

3)he is always super responsive to texts ALWAYS never leaves me hanging or plays games in any way

4)when he senses i’m sad he will do everything he can to cheer me up and reassure me

he keeps teasing that damn ring and i’m like if you don’t stop …

i get too excited

i get to lay with this guy the rest of my life oh please i can’t wait

UnF. hike day —relationship discussions in ease—& a natural circle back to each other

i talk about a lot of the positives of my relationship with antonio we hit 5 months and truthfully this man has done nothing so far but be a sound anchor for me and i’ve mentioned how unfortunately this exposed my fucked nervous system

The Good

1) he is emotionally attuned to me and any and all conversations i approach with curiosity and care and he meets me and will meet me until it’s resolved

2) he made us facebook official, he posted us, he initiated everything and i needed that with no prompting from me whatsoever

3) our repair is beautiful i love our repair i never want him to stop loving me up when im worried or scared or if we “fight” our fights are very docile not that i would know what thats like until now lol

4) he is playful about everything — he gets irritated he gets playful he’s happy he’s playful stressed he’s a bit more touchy also when he’s sick and has to do things he’s touchy

5) we make the most excellent team i’ve never meshed well with any man in that way— he said the same “traveling with you solidified you were my person because we worked so well together”

The worries

1) he’s never cheated but he has emotionally cheated i told him i did too so i understand that dynamic but immediately within the first month of dating i looked him dead in the eye and said : if i ever catch you doing something like that im gone there will be no discussion i have never set a boundary so seriously with a man and he’s been Much more promiscuous than me in the past so that’s always a possibility if things get hard .. I have to always be prepared to choose myself but realistically that’s with any relationship

2) the attention he gets from women when we are together….oof think miss possessive by tate mcrae to tHE MaX

3) he mentioned how before he made it official with me that he had a lot of women he was entertaining through social media and how he got rid of a lot of women for me which explains his suspect social media activity i asked to see his accounts because i told him that’s a huge red flag and i know from experience this is true he openly discussed this reassured me and showed me everything he also posts me all the time so with that on the table i really don’t have a reason not to trust him unless proven otherwise

….the man is consistent he has never resched a date or bailed on me and he was late once i told him that’s not acceptable and it hasn’t happened since i am his priority always aside from his mother and he hasn’t faltered and the consistency and care is beyond evident no man has emotionally cared for me this way

4)he’s coming into A LOT of money when

he turns 30 and he lacks structure and discipline almost didn’t make me want to date him he’s active boxes and goes to the gym and has a good job but he lives his life moment to moment

except our plans and he is able to follow through on those…..

but then i remember he is 25 i remember what i was like at 25 the only

consistency in my life was my job and the gym

i also worry will that change him??

time

realizing that in entering this relationship with antonio it would aggressively cause my nervous system issues to resurface and cause me to have to rewrite everything that kept me alive the past 2 years

i am realizing a lot of things:

1) a healthy relationship is two regulated nervous systems —-humming and easily able to regulate if this is not the foundation friction is inevitable //toxic behaviors (you guessed it my nervous system was far from regulated e—i was still operating from survival) it’s been painful to strip that down and fully take accountability but antonio makes it as easy as it could be if im being honest —hes emotionally consistent, does not get angry or blow up EVER, he doesn’t minimize me or gaslight me , hes so curious and patient

if i could have had a relationship come this soon with any man it would have have been him because without his anchor and consistency and patience i don’t think i could have faced this (not that i wouldn’t be capable , but more like i wouldn’t have been able to realize it)

2) i have to reroute my entire foundation on which my social media and business was built because i was operating from hustle survival and all out lunatic mindset honestly —- now that im realizing i have to shift trajectory mentally in order to keep going well that was a slap in the face — it also made me realize that was why i was burnt out not because i was loosing my spark but i was trying to operate from a place that no longer exists

3) i realized that having healthy regulated children is a direct reflection of the parents nervous system state antonio is good obviously 🙄 but if i want to match that and create the healthy family ive always wanted no matter what that starts and ends with me and the “two whole people meeting instead of two halves” started to make sense

4) i cause my deep highs and deep lows — where antonio is more emotionally consistent he doesn’t ride things in that way he’s logical and reasonable — i inhale him when things are good like he feels like a real dream every time im with him and then i crash after like no momentum a little disassociating —-i came to understand i needed to ground myself and allow our downshift as a couple (as we move into the more mundane and out of the honeymoon phase) to keep happening autonomously

5) if i loose him or if this doesn’t work out i still have me it’s why i was able to survive in the first place i had a vision a dream something to pursue in my creativity and ill always have that — sometimes i imagine i couldn’t keep going or think it would be impossible but its out of my control me being the woman he needs and healthy and present is in my control

when i prayed for my husband it’s almost a direct character description of antonio the attraction and chemistry is a double plus bonus not to mention the hairrrrrr on that man and the lips GOOD GOD

ok distracted my point is — as much as i was trying to escape my own issues antonio highlighted them for me and yes he talks me through some things he isn’t nearly as introspective as me either but i do the heavy lifting inside myself every day to be able to meet him in a healthy way and yea it’s not always pretty but the biggest difference i notice between this man and every single

other man i’ve been with is our repair

no matter what if i can’t find it in me to meet him he will run to me kiss me and hold me no matter what we argue about and always ask me if i need anything to feel

peace and affirm all the things

and supposedly a healthy relationships roots are right there

he’s everything i prayed for

plus i got the bonus upgrade

how was hawaii with you?

hawaii was a dream come true

the bond is deepening but so is the trust

i’m really in love

like obsessed in love not in a way where we are toxic we have really mature levelheaded conversations that always have the most monumental repair i’ve never had a man grab me pull me in tell me im pretty kiss every inch of my face after opening myself emotionally to him

so of course the bond deepens as i feel safer

i’ve never felt so sexy loved or been so enamored by a man from his head to his toes

he told me he was obsessed first but i sure as hell didn’t fall far behind

this man makes me absolutely possessive

and he knows hot to kiss touch squeeze grip lick tongue beyond the emotional stuff but that’s why he even got me this far in the first place

he said let me claim you