Quarter of My Life

Honestly, being let go and forgotten has always been my worst nightmare.

Is it that easy to just erase me?

have I really been nothing but a fly in the room for people around me?

why do I feel so restless and lost when they all stopped talking to me, but they are all fine with it?

will there ever be anyone who would love me the way I love them?

who would miss me the way I'd miss them?

Is running away an easier answer?

I don't even think I'd be on their thoughts at all.

It feels like something you've built over a decade slowly vanishing into thin air. Anything you do to grasp it and keep it intact is useless.

You don't know what to do other than watch it dissipate before you.

It gets you questioning your love for yourself (another something you've built more than a decade). It starts with am I really not good enough? not interesting enough? Then it becomes is it really that hard to love me?

.

should I really give it up ?

I hate the thoughts that I admit, but I still have to

People often say that we have to know our value and stop settling for less.

But, do we really know what's less? Do we even have the right to say someone/something else is less?

It's a concept that does not fit all, at least to me it doesn't seem like something obvious and easy to understand.

I probably have been thinking too much, weighing too much, and probably even too far(?) about opening my heart to others. Especially romantically, but also even non romantically.

Then I wonder, what have I been scoring myself? Would I even want to build a relationship with myself? Have a long term connection with myself? Has it always been a double standard? Have I just been hurting others unknowingly because of my own indecisiveness?

Well I had a small surgery earlier this week and it's actually a long weekend now. A time I usually spent going out with friends or enjoying a me time out and about around the city. Unfortunately, with the surgery wound, I had to stay home most of the time and limit my movements.

Honestly, it's freaking boring and just sucking all my energy. I have no will to do anything else but laying down in bed all day.