Quarter of My Life

I don't even think I'd be on their thoughts at all.

It feels like something you've built over a decade slowly vanishing into thin air. Anything you do to grasp it and keep it intact is useless.

You don't know what to do other than watch it dissipate before you.

It gets you questioning your love for yourself (another something you've built more than a decade). It starts with am I really not good enough? not interesting enough? Then it becomes is it really that hard to love me?

.

should I really give it up ?

I hate the thoughts that I admit, but I still have to

People often say that we have to know our value and stop settling for less.

But, do we really know what's less? Do we even have the right to say someone/something else is less?

It's a concept that does not fit all, at least to me it doesn't seem like something obvious and easy to understand.

I probably have been thinking too much, weighing too much, and probably even too far(?) about opening my heart to others. Especially romantically, but also even non romantically.

Then I wonder, what have I been scoring myself? Would I even want to build a relationship with myself? Have a long term connection with myself? Has it always been a double standard? Have I just been hurting others unknowingly because of my own indecisiveness?

Well I had a small surgery earlier this week and it's actually a long weekend now. A time I usually spent going out with friends or enjoying a me time out and about around the city. Unfortunately, with the surgery wound, I had to stay home most of the time and limit my movements.

Honestly, it's freaking boring and just sucking all my energy. I have no will to do anything else but laying down in bed all day.

It's weird that some people just clearly weren't right for us, but we still yearn for them helplessly.

Spending time wisely simply means enjoying the way it was spent.

But I also think I'll feel even more sorry to myself if I just stayed and accepted everything like it was never a problem. Yes, life anywhere in the world would be difficult anyway, but to be living like I was trying to escape my family everyday is much harder than facing the world out there for a certain amount of time and feeling safe at home.

I'd rather keep the love I have for my family than to trade it to basically nothing except a stable job that I can't even fully like.

I think I've made up my mind. This isn't for me. Not when I was younger without any experience at all, not now when I'm barely capable and scrambling through my responsibilities, not later when I'll have a lot of things jotted down and embedded into my mind.