~DelicateDandelion~

So in the end….what’s the reason to still be here? I’m doing nothing. I am nothing. I do not matter in any way shape or form. I am just breathing and occupying space for no reason other than once upon a time my parents decided to have a child.

I started feeling sick like throwing up and dizzy and too hot and yet my body was freezing cold and my vision going spotty and dark. I knocked into the hallway wall and my room’s door trying to get back in my room in my bed. I think. I’m not sure 100% but based on the places my body is bruising and how the place looked it seems like the only way. I regained consciousness on the floor next to my desk chair. I think I was trying to sit but didn’t manage. My ears were ringing and then it felt like a swarm of bees that I was hearing and my hands were shaking.

The thing is it’s EASY to say that. But. It’s easy to make plans and all. But where do you get all the money you need for such a huge thing? I can’t just run away. Even tho my family is toxic if I were to do that they will see it as me being selfish etc and immediately go on a whole ‘we want her back please help us!’ spiel. If I say I wanna move they’ll eventually start with the questions and a ‘ok you can borrow some money but I’ll need em back one day’ and so they can still find me, want to come over etc.

I’m tired.

My brain is swimming in a weird liquid made of memories and dates and years and faces of people I think I remember.

Everything tastes the same and I can only describe it by colors. Fruits are pink or red. Veggies are green or brown. Food is just grey even with all the spices and my body doesn’t want it. It tastes of nothing.

I can’t keep a coherent thought for more than a few seconds before my brain goes back to hurting and feeling too big for the bones constricting it.

My ribcage feels too tight around my lungs so I take gasps of cigarettes and my skin feels too small so I use a cutter to relieve the tension.

I feel nothing and too much at the same time and I can only explain it like this: when we were kids and learning about colors so we would mix 10 colors at the time and ending up with a weird brown color. That is how I feel. Like I mixed everything and it resulted in this weird color I can’t even figure out if it’s brown or grey or whatever.

I’m too tired to move but it’s like electricity is running around in my veins and through my body at the same time.

I’m already dead inside and yet there is that 0.1% of hope from that stupid stupid survival instinct that says “Come on, a bit more, just this year and then if I’m wrong again…” But when will the “if I’m wrong again…” part come up? Cause it’s been years and my logical side KNOWS what to do and how it ends but that stupid stupid 0.1%…