Iâm writing this post to those men out there who have women in their lives who have indicated they are submissive and want you to be their Dominant. Â What does that mean? Â What does she want? Â Not every man is a Dom, so how do I know if I am?
Some people will say if you have to ask, the answer is no. Â To be a true Dom, it has to be part of your essence. Â You canât fake this or just do it to please herâthat is not being Dominant, that is being a service top. Â But that doesnât mean asking the question means you are automatically not a Dominant. Â We men have lived our lives indoctrinated in what makes a good man, at least when it comes to women. Â Treat them well, be nurturing, they are equals and never, ever hit a woman. Â A guy who tells a woman what to do all the time is domineering and obnoxious. Â We have images of ourselves as nice guys as society defines it and it is not easy to reconcile the D/s life with what we have been taught from birth. Â
But one day your girlfriend/wife indicates she wants something more. Â It can be, like it was for me, a comment about how much she liked me holding her hands above her head while I pinned her legs and touched her until she fought to get away but couldnât move, which led to a conversation about spanking. Â If your wife is really brave and knows herself really well she may even write you a letter saying she wants you to spank her and that itâs OK to do so. Â
But however much she expresses to you what she wants and likes, there is so much more that she just canât say. Â Itâs not about the spanking, itâs about the lifestyle. Â About the dynamic. Â She wants you to fundamentally change how the two of you interact. Â But she canât say that. Â Because as a submissive, the whole point is not to be controlling the situation, not to be dictating what is going to happen. Â It HAS to come from you. Â And you have to mean it. Â
So, in no particular order, this is what she is asking and telling you:
She is feeling anxious, stressed, adrift and empty. Â She needs you. Â Deep inside her is a hole only you can fill. Â She needs you to step up and be the anchor that keeps her grounded and keeps her from being lost at sea. Â This isnât a game, sex play, fun, (although it will include those things). Â It isnât part time or a whim. Â She is asking you to be the foundation of her being. Â Itâs a big ask and a big commitment. Â And the rewards for both of you are equal to the responsibilities.
Itâs not about the spanking or anything else you do in the bedroom. Â You will cause her pain. Â Sometimes a lot of pain. Â It will excite her. Â A lot. Â It will excite you too. Â At first you will be unsure about that. Â What does that mean about you to be physically excited by causing someone you love such pain? Â But you learn that itâs not about the pain, itâs about the dynamic. Â What she needs is to feel your strength. Â Only by knowing how strong you are can she feel safe in your arms,. Â Can she know you will protect her. Â She needs to feel that strength and domination and you are giving her a gift every time you demonstrate it.
She wants you to control her in some way. Â How much depends on the woman, but she wants you to take over the decisions about parts of her life. Â She wants to not have to worry about things, to be able to stop thinking, to calm the buzzing in her brain. Â Donât keep asking her what she wants, decide. Â You know her well enough to know what she likes and wants. Â Also, it canât always be about what she likes and wantsâyou are Dom, it has to be about what you like and want too. Â Especially physically, she wants to feel you take what you want from her. Â
Set Rules and enforce them. Â What they are and how many is up to the two of you, but there needs to be rules and you need to be absolute in your enforcement of them. Â I donât care how tired you are, how much fun youâre having, or that she had a bad day and deserves the day off, no. Â Unless you approve a change because of a serious issue that requires the change, if a rule is not followed a consequence must happen. Â A punishment spanking, orgasm denial, whatever. Â It must happen quickly and be strong enough to match the transgression even if she begs, pleads, cries for you to stop or go easy. Â She has to not want to make the mistake again. Â This is essential. Â Even a little bit of weakness in enforcing the rules will destroy her sense of security, well-being, and submission. Â
Aftercare is an absolute requirement. Â After you have punished, or even just had a rough session of you taking her to difficult places, pushing her boundaries, enforcing the dynamic, you must spend time holding her, caressing her, telling her how much you love her. Â These sessions break her down to her essence and she feels exposed, empty. Â You need to feed her your strength and show her you accept all those parts of her that scare her. Â Once you do, you will help her rebuild and she will be stronger after. Â This can take time. Â Spend the time and focus on it.
Controlling her does not mean you will lose that witty repartee and funny, sassy woman you fell in love with. Â She will be her usual strong self in all of her life except in the particular areas you have set boundaries. Â When I wrote my acceptance letter to my submissive I likened it to a painting we were creating. Â I was setting clear and defined outlines for us, so that she was free to be as creative as she wanted to within those lines. Â By feeling secure in the knowledge of where the edges were, she felt even more free within them.
She will test you. Â She needs to know those boundaries are secure. Â Otherwise she will feel insecure. Â So she will occasionally push and test to see if you are still watching the walls. Â Be strong and show her you are and she will be the happier for it.
Being a Dom does not mean you are not being nurturing. Â On the contrary, she has given her mind, heart, and body to you so you are now responsible for her and her well being. Â You must care and cherish her, tend to her when she needs help, protect her, she is yours and she is precious. Â Once you have opened this connection, you will be closer than you thought possible. Â The intensity of your love and passion will surprise you. Â
If you can do these things, and really mean it, feel it, then you are a Dom and you will make your girlfriend/wife very happy.