*☆ .◦; cheap thrills

her eyebrows dipped, fingers dragging beneath both of her eyes in an attempt to wipe away the hot tears. “no, i’m not okay!” wiping them away was of no use, because they kept falling. delaney pulled her hair off of her sticky face, holding it back for a moment or two with palms pressed against the top of her head. “i’m sorry,” she said, realizing that she had snapped at the employee. “i’m a mess, i know. this is humiliating.” surveying the books that she had left around her before glancing to the ones that he had stacked up, she was only further upset by the realization that she didn’t know what books she needed to purchase. gathering up the extras, she added them to his pile and matched his gaze. he was familiar to her. someone she knew of for years, but never really bothered to get to know. she was embarrassed to be seen by him in her current state. “no -- i don’t want to keep you here. i’m sure that’s the last thing you want right now. never mind dealing with crazy girl blubbering on the floor. i can come back --  maybe in the morning. could you hold them for me, maybe?”

coffee had been on zephyra’s mind, prominently over the past few days. having shared a night with charlie over a cup of coffee had her feeling nostalgic over old summer days. she hadn’t been paying attention to where she was going, focusing more on texting that what was in front of her, which is why she barely registered when deleney’s things fell before her. had is not been for her small mumbled apology, zephyra wouldn’t even had looked up — or down in this case. crouching down and bending her knees she picked up the pill bottle, frowning as she eyed it. “ i fucking hates taking these – pills are always so bland and hard to swallow. ” she made another face before handing it over back to deleny, shifting her head to the side. “ wait – you’re pregnant? ”

“water makes them go down well enough.” was all delaney said, offering a small smile. she tossed the vitamins she’d been given into her bag, along with a few additional things -- a few crumpled up receipts, some spare change. it was known to delaney that the girl in her company had also had a baby. she’d heard bits and pieces of the story of what followed, having shared a mutual best friend with her -- but still knew very little about it. she nodded in response to her question, moving to stand on her feet now. she held the broken bag in her arms, having to cradle it now that the strap was no good. she looked down to it, imagining for a second that it was her baby instead of a purse. it didn’t feel right. “i can hardly believe it, but i am,” she mumbled, though her words were very delayed. “oh -- thanks for the help.”

“oh, xander -- hey,” delaney greeted, giving a quick, close-lipped smile though she was internally cursing her luck. just a few days prior, she’d been confronted by tristan about her pregnancy and lied blatantly, confirming his paternity when she knew the opposite to be true. overwhelmed by the guilt she felt as result, she had been avoiding him since -- claiming to be home feeling sick, when the truth was that she’d just needed her space to sort through the muddled mess she’d created for herself. she knew the story would never check out now, having run into his best friend out in public like this. “thanks.” her gaze fell to her bag, which she focused on for a moment, allowing the boy to help her collect her things despite holding out on answering his question. when she finally spoke, her words followed a sigh. “yes,” she confessed, pulling herself up to a stand. “i am pregnant.” it was the first time she’d uttered the words -- even when she’d discussed it with her boyfriend, she didn’t have to hear herself state it directly. it left a sour taste in her mouth. “did tristan not say anything to you about it?” she asked, looking down to wear she’d left him crouched. “i mean -- i know it’s not something he’s going to be bragging about. i just figured it may have come up.”

smiling her thanks as received the bottle, delaney tossed the vitamins in her purse and pulled herself up to a stand. she was looking down at the girl that came to help her now, and maybe would have repaid her kindness by offering a hand to help her back up were she not cradling her broken sack of belongings. “it’s totally fine, but thanks anyway,” she chuckled, looking around to see if anyone had reacted to her raised voice. she hoped that they hadn’t -- dropping all of her things was already mortifying enough. “everyone’s got tunnel vision in this place -- eager for their caffeine fix.” she had to readjust her hold on the bag to accommodate her growing baby bump, which she was less concerned about hiding now that she wasn’t alone in her knowledge of the pregnancy. “speaking of,” she began, taking note of the fact that her companion had not yet ordered and tossing a glance to the line that formed before the counter. “yours is on me if you promise to sit and drink with me for a bit. not to be weird, but you’re like, the best thing to happen to me all day. i could use the company.”

Evangeliya had been waiting in line to order, with delicate hands tucked neatly into the pockets of her white hospital coat. Her hazy focus was snapped back to the present as she suddenly felt a small tap on her foot. Amber eyes searched around, discovering the source of the movement to be a bottle of vitamins rolling towards her, and she immediately reached down to retrieve them. Eva heard a voice mutter, and she lifted her gaze again to focus on a girl who seemed clearly frustrated as she tried to hurriedly gather her things. All too familiar with the feeling of everything in the world working against you, she extended her arm to give back the bottle, offering the other an empathetic half-smile. “Here you go,” she said softly. “Would you like a coffee or tea? Or anything else?”

the voice that spoke out to her was kind, and when delaney finally raised her eyes to face the person, they were met with a smile that was just the same. this prompted a smile of her own, potentially the first of the day, and she offered a small thanks when she reached for the bottle that was held out to her. “i’m all set,” delaney told her, eyeing the name badge that hung from her companion’s hospital coat as she tucked away the vitamins. “i just got myself something, actually.” she lifted the cup that was placed at her side. “i was on my way out when this stupid purse broke,” she paused, struggling to hold both her broken purse and her beverage as she pulled herself up from the ground. “ headed to an appointment, actually.” giving a nod to the jacket she wore, delaney raised her brows. “any chance you were headed back? i was going to walk, but it'd be hell lugging my bag like this.”

tristan sat down and put his hand on top of where hers rested on his knee. he felt her hand shaking and wanted to fix it, seeing delaney like this killed him. he listened closely to the points she made. she was right that it would be extremely difficult to keep pursuing her career as a musician with a baby around, and as tears fell down her cheeks while she spoke he wiped them away with his thumb. “you shouldn’t have to give up music, babe. i know how much it means to you and that wouldn’t be fair-” he let her keep explaining her concerns, and his lack of commitment was a definite problem. she was right to be worried about his ability to stick around, it was never something he was very good at. when she asked him for a promise he nodded slowly, he moved to cup her face with his hands to keep their eyes locked. “delaney i love you more than i have ever loved anyone else. of course i’ll support you with anything you choose. and if you decide you want to have the baby i’ll get my act together and be the father i never had. and if you don’t want to keep it, i’ll be there with you every step of the way.” he rubbed his thumb gently along her jawline, “i love you and i want to make it work this time. no matter what i’m not giving up on us this time, okay?” he stared at her for what felt like years before he slowly moved in to kiss her. his lips touched hers gently, and even though their situation was beyond fucked up, he still got chills down his back as he kissed her.

tristan was doing all the right things and part of her just wanted him to stop, because she truly didn’t deserve a second of it. she had just told the biggest lie of her lifetime and he had no idea about it. despite the inability to turn her racing thoughts or the overwhelming sense of guilt off, she focused her attention on him while he spoke, nodding along with quivering lips and eyes that were still spewing tears. when he kissed her, she closed her stinging eyes. a hand found its way up to the base of his head and she cupped it, pulling him in closer, deepening the kiss. it was the least she figured that he deserved in the moment, finally being the boyfriend she’d always hoped he would be willing to be for her. when she pulled away, she didn’t hesitate to wrap him in a hug. “i love you,” she said, clinging to him. “i love you. i’m so sorry.” -- and she wasn’t lying; she was sorry. but it was too late for that now.

delaney sucked in a breath when she realized who she had the extreme displeasure of dealing with. her eyelids snapped shut for the briefest of moments as she tried to muster up every last drop of composure and calm she had within her. “just give me the bottle, safia,” was all she bothered to say, unwilling to entertain her in the moment. she didn’t make eye contact as she collected a few loose pieces of change. on any other day -- sure. and of course, under any other circumstances. but on the floor of a busy cafe with her belongings splayed out before her, and being confronted about a truth she couldn’t ignore any longer, it was hopeless. delaney didn’t like being the loser. and the situation was already shaping up to be a loss. “whether i am or i’m not is none of your business, so please.”she wordlessly extended a dainty arm, palm facing upward. she raised her eyebrows expectantly, urging her to hand over the vitamins. 

          ‘ because i FELT LIKE IT. it seemed like a NICE DAY to spend outside — what’s wrong with eating near trees ? ’

“leaves shed. bugs fall. squirrels attack -- you can attest to that. a nice day could be just as well spent from the patio, y’know.” 

tristan held delaney close to him, feeling her tears against the fabric of his t-shirt. all of this felt like a dream, like he would wake up in his own bed and everything would be back to normal. he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he was going to be a father to a real child. he rested his cheek against the top of her head, squeezing his eyes shut. “why were you afraid?” he then realized it was a justified feeling, they were broken up when she found out. he tried to even his shaky breaths as he pulled away from her slightly, “please don’t ever keep something like this from me again. i don’t want our whole relationship to be filled with lies.” he pushed a stray hair behind her ear, “i really want us to work this time, especially if you’re going to have our kid.” he forced a small smile, “do you think we can do this? be parents?”

“because i didn’t know what to do -- or how you’d react,” she reasoned, the first bit of truth to leave her lips since falsely naming him the father of her baby. she whimpered as he spoke to her. he meant to comfort her -- and he did, to an extent -- but making their relationship work without lies was going to prove to be a difficult task seeing as his desire to was incited by a massive one, delaney knew that. it was at least mildly satisfying that he seemed to be on board with the pregnancy, but she wasn’t sure that was something she could say for herself. she moved to look up at him through blurry eyes, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. she pulled him down as she sat, stretching her shaky fingers over her knees. “i don’t know,” she said, finally, giving a shake to her head. “i don’t even know if i want to. what about music? it’s not like i could tour with a baby.” her crying picked up again at the mere thought of having to trade in her first love for life as a mother. “and tristan, i’m sorry -- but think about it. you can hardly seem to commit to me. how am i supposed to believe you’d always be there for a kid?” her brows were furrowed as she revealed some of her first and truest thoughts regarding her unplanned pregnancy. “i don’t know if we can raise a baby or if we should even try. right now i just need to know that you mean what you’re saying -- that you love me and that you want to make this work. i need you to promise to support me no matter what. can you do that?”

“are you serious? of course,” she gushed. she laughed along when he did, waving away his comment with a swat of her hand. “sheryl and i can attest to the fact that some people do, but i’m sure you’ve got tons more loyal fans. your show is one of the best, trust me.” a smile played on her lips as he recognized her as a musician, and she was beaming when he went as far as to compliment her. “thank you so much -- you have no idea how much that means. or how much it’d mean to play on air with you -- i mean, if you’d have me. just an idea.”

@delcneys

as most of her reading material was in written in 140 characters or less, delaney had visited literati less times than she could count on one hand in recent years -- yet it seemed like the perfect place to head to. forced to confront a truth that she had long since been hiding-- from herself among everyone else-- delaney needed some time to think clearly for a while; to be alone and make sense of the mess she’d made. and quite a mess it was -- as if it wasn’t enough to finally reveal the pregnancy that she had kept secret, she did so falsely, claiming her boyfriend, tristan, to be the father rather than the rumored ethan, when she knew the contrary. it was a complicated disaster that she’d created, but she tried her best to rationalize, resolving to deal with pregnancy first and cross the paternity bridge when she came to it. the first part was difficult enough on its own. she didn’t know what an average night looked like at the book store, but was satisfied to find that there weren’t many people besides herself there that evening. even still, she lingered a little too long around the young adult section, chewing on her bottom lip and blinking back salty, stinging tears. not for anyone else -- but herself, needing to build up the courage to approach the material she’d come for. 

          ‘ never go near a tree with a croissant,’ thea said, f r u s t r a t i o n evident in her voice as she removed her torn and stained shirt and tossed it into the nearest garbage bin, thankful for the tank top she was wearing underneath. being topless was the only thing that could’ve made her situation worse. ‘ because a very hungry squirrel WILL attack you, and those little fuckers show NO MERCY. ’

“well, why were you eating near a tree?”

tristan looked at her expectantly as she mulled over his question. she avoided his gaze and shut her eyes tightly as tears fell out of them. he felt himself start to panic, knowing she was pregnant with someone else’s kid would make it extremely difficult for him to be with her. and the thought of him having to play dad to the kid made it even harder. what he wasn’t expecting was what she told him next. he shook his head slowly as he stared at her, “what?” how could this even be possible? he tried to go through the timeline in his head, if the last time they had sex was when she got pregnant the time would match up. he felt his palms sweating as he thought about having to care for a child, he didn’t know how to be a father, he never had one who was sober long enough to take care of him. he stayed silent for a long time as his thoughts went racing, jumping to the worst conclusions. when he finally spoke again it was hardly more than a whisper, “what if the baby gets my worst genes. what if they grow up to be an alcoholic just like they’re pathetic father.” his voice caught as he said ‘father’ he still couldn’t believe it. “delaney i’m sorry.”

“don’t say that,” was all she managed, dismissing tristan’s parenting concerns. she didn’t want to hear him talk that way about himself. especially when she wasn’t sure they’d have to worry about the child growing up to be anything in their care. when the child wasn’t his to begin with. she felt terrible. delaney had done some pretty ugly things in the past -- when she felt threatened or vulnerable, when she hadn’t gotten her way -- but this was wretched. lying to a man about a baby that wasn’t his to keep him involved with her was a new low -- and she felt despicable. beginning to cry even more so now, though it likely didn’t seem inappropriate given the subject matter, she had chosen her story and needed to commit to it despite her regret. stepping forward to close the gap between herself and tristan, she fell into him, her arms slipping through his. “i’m sorry,” she spoke against his chest. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i should have told you sooner -- i was just so afraid.”