in the big, blue world

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The moment her lips left his temple, she wrapped her arm snug around his shoulders and held him close. Whatever words Luke needed to get out, she’d let him, with no interruptions. She wondered, absently, if this somehow made it easier for the two of them. He wouldn’t have to look her in the eye as the truth came spilling out, instead speaking it out into the distance, the pages and pages of paperbacks swallowing his secrets and keeping them safe. 

“Luke... Listen,” Ophelia whispered, her words softly spoken against the shell of his ear. Even with the loud buzz of the surrounding party, the music that boomed through temporary speakers, the world around her seemed to have stilled and gone silent. The hand that was still threaded with Luke’s shifted as she combed her fingers through his hair, soothing him. “I wish you could have told me. I wish you had, so I could’ve been at your side and held your hand through it, but I’m not mad. You can’t keep punishing yourself.” 

The truth of the matter was, everything that Ophelia had endured in the time since they’d broken up had been a consequence of various, growing issues that had been threatening to suffocate her for months on end before Luke had left. The breakup had simply been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but he’d never been the one to blame. She knew Lando held him accountable for her meltdown, and maybe she was naive to still have love for Luke after so long had passed, but she knew better than anybody what it was like to suffer in silence. She couldn’t punish him for that. 

“I’m not innocent in this either, okay? I had my own secrets, my own problems that I never...” she sighed, not wanting to divulge too much. Luke was finally confiding in her, and it was a heavy secret on it’s own. The last thing he needed was for Ophelia to add extra baggage on top of his own. 

Rocking him gently in his arms – or as best as she was able, given his large stature – Ophelia finally pulled back, cupping his cheek and turning him to face her. With as much tenderness as the moment would allow, a sharp creaking noise startling her as The Monster Mash started to spill out through Billy’s store, she pressed another kiss to the tip of Luke’s nose. 

“How about we start over, but this time... We can be more honest with each other? As friends,” Ophelia smiled, sure to provide clarity lest she be deemed too desperate. 

He wasn’t mad about not knowing. He just worried that Ophelia had something going on, something concerning, that he’d been too wrapped up in his own shit to see.

“Your own…? Are you okay?” he asked softly.

From Ophelia’s Instagram these days, it looked like she’d landed on her feet. She seemed happy, although he knew better than to take everything on social media at face value. He had dated an influencer after all, who had posted selfies of them cheek to cheek on a sunny beach. Everyone had thought they were in it for the long haul, with a handful of Ophelia’s followers loyally declaring them couple goals!!!! Then Luke had turned all of that on his head by leaving.

So maybe he could look at Ophelia’s pictures more closely, see if there was a strain in her smile, or check if it was meeting her eyes.

He could also just ask her outright but distance and time had made it difficult for them to communicate, even if they were clumsily stumbling through a solid attempt at it right now.

As soon as Ophelia kissed his nose, he let out a soft laugh. He wrinkled his nose playfully and gave her a small nod.

“I’d be up for that. Starting over as friends,” he told her, voice quiet. He wasn’t sure his heart knew how to be just friends with Ophelia, but after everything he had put her through, he owed it to her to at least try.

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She wanted to say something, to acknowledge where they stood. She didn’t know what brand new looked like for the pair of them, but a fresh start could only be promising, couldn’t it?  They’d both been young and stupid and they’d made mistakes, but they weren’t past saving. She hoped not, anyway. Ophelia didn’t know if Luke would ever love her again the way she’d loved him – or if he ever had – but she wanted the chance to prove to him that they could learn and grow from their past, and that there was still the possibility of love further down the line. Whether it was romantic or platonic love, she couldn’t be sure yet, but there was always hope. 

The sentiment soon vanished from her lips when Luke spoke, her hand twinging ever so gently as she felt his grip on her tighten. Eyebrows knitted together in concern, Ophelia’s heart sank in her chest as it slowly dawned on her what he was telling her. All of the time she’d spent blaming herself and overthinking their breakup, and he’d been going through something so much worse, experiencing his own personal hell. How selfish could she be, to assume everything was about her? 

“Luke... Oh, Luke, I’m so sorry,” she breathed, tears prickling in the back of her eyes. 

Twisting her body where she sat, she shifted into a kneeling position beside him, still with a firm grip on his hand. Carefully, she freed up her other hand so that she could cup his cheek, before gently cradling his face in her arms, pulling the much larger man gently down against her chest. 

“I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this alone,” Ophelia whispered, her lips grazing his temple. She felt awful, as though she’d let him down when he’d needed her most. “I should have been there for you.” 

What was a surprise though, was the immediate contact. His heart had been hammering against his ribcage hard enough to bruise, just from Ophelia holding his hand. It nearly gave out completely when she pulled him towards her, letting him rest his head against her chest.

He absently noted that he was probably in danger of getting her blue Na’vi face paint all over his cheek, but that was a secondary concern to how selfish he knew he was being right now. It wasn’t fair to leech comfort from Ophelia, not after everything he’d done to her, but instead of pulling away and apologising like he knew he should, he leaned into her, his weight slumping against her tiredly as a shaky breath shuddered out of him.

“You couldn't have. I didn’t let you,” he mumbled, the moment she insisted she should have been there for him. As self-serving as he was by letting her comfort him right now, he was still of sound enough mind to know that he couldn’t let her shoulder any sort of blame for this.

His eyes began to sting and he squeezed them shut, focusing on the steady thud-thud-thud of Ophelia’s heart underneath his ear.

“I couldn’t tell you back then. I just… It all happened so fast. Not him forgetting things. That happened slowly and I think we all knew but none of us wanted to believe it until we took him to the doctor and they told us he…” His voice trailed off as his throat grew tight. He awkwardly tried to clear it, willing himself not to do something as embarrassing as cry right now.

“I’m sorry,” he eventually managed to force out. “I didn’t mean to leave you behind.”

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