The Place We Never Left.

Today I was at work doing the same old thing. Had school in the morning and came to work expecting a very quiet night hoping to get some studying done. I was going though some of the drawers looking for rubber bands and I found this. A razor. 

I froze. 

It was as if someone had pushed pause on their remote. I just stood there. Staring. 

For those reading this and don’t know, I used to cut and self-harm. I was 16-17 and I had a razor that I would keep in my pocket at all times. It wasn’t until I was almost 18 that I finally stopped cutting and got rid of my razor. 

I froze because my mind was immediately filled with all these memories from high school. I remembered dark nights in my room. I remembered crying in the bathroom at school. I remembered the feeling. I remembered the blood. 

It was almost as if I had forgotten those times, which is strange considering how dark and emotional they were. Like, how do you forget that? Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. It could be good in the sense that I’ve moved on, I’m a completely different person than I was in high school. It could be bad because I should always remember my lows, reminding myself to never let it get that bad again. Because I still struggle with depression and anxiety, it never goes away. It just finds different forms and angles to come at you with. It adapts. 

I still have my scars, but they don’t hurt anymore. I remember how hard it was to get rid of my razor. It sounds absurd, but I used to REFUSE to get rid of it. My friends would always tell me to get rid of it, or give it to them, because they knew how bad it was. Despite that, I still kept it in my pocket at all times. Looking back on these memories isn’t fun to me, but it gives me a chance to reflect on how far I’ve come I think. 

I wish I could go back in time and look myself in the eyes and say, 

 But it’s okay since these are really only for me and no one reads them lol. ANYWAYS, 2018 has been a trip. Seriously, so much happened and it’s difficult to recount everything thing I did. Leaving Higher Ground took longer than it should’ve. I got comfortable and kept making excuses like, “Oh I’m looking for a job right now.” But I wasn’t. “This is just stable right now” At the expense of my health. “I like the people I work with” Just cause you quit doesn’t mean you won’t see them again. These are all things that I kept telling myself because I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find another job. It wasn’t until I was absolutely fed up and upset with the management that I finally bit the bullet. Making the transition is always the scariest part. Once you’re on the other side and have taken a couple steps back you really start to wonder why it took you so long. Unfortunately my next job after that was just as bad. It was so bad that I had horrible anxiety before every shift, and constantly contemplated just not going in. To this day I still can’t figure out why, but the environment there was so stressful and I had this feeling deep down inside that I just didn’t belong there. Eventually I found myself at The Hub. This place has it’s own set of issues, but I’m happy here. I’ve already learned so much about the coffee industry/local business. 

(This is getting really long cause for the first time I’m writing this on my laptop.)

Going to school was also a big transition for me. Being 23 (yes I know it’s not that old to go back to school) I was worried that I would stand out too much, or be surrounded by annoying 18 year olds. How naive can I get? Again, deep down inside I think these were all excuses that I kept scaring myself with. 

It felt like a demon, grasping at my neck telling me “You shouldn’t do this” 

But I did it anyways. 

Because fuck excuses. Fuck being comfortable. And most of all, fuck the status quo. 

I can’t grow in a place that doesn’t have sunlight. I can’t grow in a place where everything I do can be summed up in “You know. Same shit different day” Inspirational speakers like Gary V tell you that the most successful people are the people that fail the most. Like no shit??? Why did I need someone like Gary V to tell me that??? But I didn’t understand it until I heard it. 

This is getting really long and I’m just rambling at this point, but the main reason I’m writing all this is because I want to document my frustrations so that I never forget how I feel in this moment. This year I rung in 2019 with my best friends, playing video games, with Jakob Ogawa’s “All your love” playing in the background. It was the most chill way to ring in the new year. But I don’t plan on doing that for the other 364 days non stop. 

I’m going to be working hard, harder than last year. Trying to achieve more and waste less. It doesn’t need to be pretty, but I can fucking tell you it’s gonna be sick. I’m going to constantly strive to do better and make less excuses. To be more more courageous. So whoever you are still reading this, stand with me. Face your demons and stay your path, wherever it might take you.