Hard to Love, Easy to Please

-

Monroe looked up at Declan and frowned, feeling bad now that he hadn’t told his brother. He thought that he had been doing the right thing in not telling him but he could see now how much it had hurt his brother. “I just didn’t want to add to it…” He said softly and let himself get pulled into the hug, feeling the tears pooling and starting to fall. He hadn’t realized how much of them he had held back. “Yeah, gotta spoil them.” He said softly, sniffling. “I’m sorry….I should have told you. I just…telling you makes this all real…and I’m so scared of it being real…”

~

Declan shook his head, “it wouldn’t have added anything. You didn’t have to carry this all by yourself.” He held onto his brother, feeling like he needed more than he was ever going to let on. “Exactly, you gotta spoil them. Those kids need you around.” He nodded understanding how he was feeling, “I understand that. I ‘m sorry that it is real, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

-

Juniper nodded her head in response. ‘That would be great if it’s not too much of a problem.’ She typed and turned her phone around to face him. ‘We can finish up your shopping first if you wanted? I can get one of those ridable carts.’

_

Declan shook his head and typied out, ‘no problem at all.’ He shook his head and smiled, typing again, ‘I’ll come back, don’t want anything to thaw out for you. Seriously it’s no big deal.’ 

-

Astrid watched Declan for a moment and nodded. “Yeah, I was scared when Stella came along as well and honestly, I’m scared about having two at once plus Stella.” She said and leaned more against him, finding comfort in the rise and fall of his chest and shoulders from his breathing. “We will figure it out.” She repeated and laughed. “I don’t think that’s true. I think I was barely surviving as a single mother and I must have done something good. you’re an amazing guy who could have anybody you wanted and you still somehow chose me.”

~

Declan smiled and gave a quick not, “well you won’t be alone. I may not have any kids but I think I can handle three at once.” He laughed but knew they would figure it out and he’d be there for her however she needed him. “Well I could be really funny and say I wasn’t trying to be with just anybody.” He smiled, “but if we’re being truthful, I haven’t wanted anybody else.”

-

Monroe looked down once Declan came into the room and he sighed as his brother asked the questions that Monroe knew were coming. “Hey Declan. I uh…..I didn’t want to worry you.” He said and swallowed nervously. “With everything you have going on with Astrid and Stella and the twins, I thought you had enough to worry about without me coming in there with this.” He said and looked over to his brother. “A-awhile now. This is session number…..3?” He questioned as he looked up at the chemo bag that was hanging above him. “It’s more aggressive this time so we’ve had to double up on the dose. Doc said that it’s fairly rare for it to come back once you go into remission in childhood but here I am, beating the odds…”

~

Declan stared a little dumbfounded at his brother, “you could have worried me. I... I would have rather learned by you telling me than this.” He sighed but he nodded, “l’m sorry, I just wish you would have told me. I have room for you too.” Declan tried his best to not get emotional over this revelation, “you’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna get through it together, like before. You got some uh.. nieces or nephews to spoil coming now, right?” He smiled before reaching out to pull his brother into a hug.

-

Juniper looked at the words and offered him a small smile, grateful for the check if she was alright, even from a stranger. ‘Yeah, just having an off day I guess.’ She turned her phone around to show him. She could read lips but it was always appreciated when things were written down just so she wouldn’t get anything wrong. Her balance was off that day, which meant that she was experiencing a lot of vertigo and probably should have stayed home or used one of those fancy electric cart things the store offered. ‘Thanks.’

~

Declan smiled and gave her a gentle nod. He understood off days. He typed out on his phone, ‘no problem. Do you need help getting somewhere? I can give you a ride.’ He nodded, knowing he didn’t mind and he could always come back and get what he needed. Her safety came first right now.

Sitting in the chair in the all too familiar room, the chemo dripping into the IV and disappearing into his port, Monroe couldn’t help but feel alone, which was his own doing. He had made the choice to not tell anybody that he was sick again, that the whole reason he was home was because he needed the treatment and he needed to be with his family while getting the needed treatment. He just didn’t want to put this on his brother again, not since he had, what he felt like, ruined their childhood by being sick. His doctor as a kid had warned that there was a chance he would get sick again but Monroe thought he wouldn’t be a part of that slim amount of people who got sick again in adulthood. 

He knew he couldn’t hide it much longer as he had been losing weight, being way too tired to do too much, and many other symptoms and he knew that it was only a matter of time until he was going to start losing his hair, which probably hurt him the most. He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes, trying to relax a bit until this round of chemo was done when he heard a familiar voice calling his name and he opened them again in surprise to see his brother standing there.

@declancahill​

~

He had been at work when one of his co-workers had an accident. He would up taking them to the hospital land was just walking out to get his truck when he saw the familiar face. His brother had his brow raising as he walked into the room with him. “Monroe?” He questioned looking him over and shook his head, “why didn’t you tell me it was back?” He said pulling up a chair and sitting with him, “how long have you known?” He was concerned now and so worried about his brother’s health.

Astrid giggled. “It’s a deal.” She said and looked over, reaching out to take his hand. “We are going to be great.” She said and rubbed circles in the back of his hand. “They won’t. I promise.” She leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. “You are amazing, Declan. I honestly don’t know what I would be doing without you.” She said and played with the hem of her shirt. “I don’t deserve you…I don’t know what I did to deserve you at all.” She let out a sigh, thinking back to her conversation with Gyda, knowing that she was going to have to tell Declan eventually.

~

Declan smiled, “I hope so. I never really planned to have kids.” He gulped, “it’s a little scary but I do have an pretty amazing mom that’s gonna be by my side to guide me.” He winked referencing her before nodding, “we’ll figure it out. We’ll figure us out.” Declan smiled and shrugged gently so he didn’t disturb her, “you’d still be kicking ass as a single mom, you didn’t do anything different to deserve me. You were just you. From the very start.”

Juniper wanted nothing more than to get in and out of the grocery store but it wasn’t looking like that was going to happen. She knew she should have gotten a basket but she thought she could hold everything, which she now knew was not the case as all of the things that she had been holding were now on the floor. She sighed as she kneeled down to pick everything up. With a free hand, she moved to push some more hair behind her ear before gathering everything up and standing up. Turning to go in the opposite direction she felt herself hitting someone and her things went crashing down again. She looked over signing that she was sorry before pulling out her phone. ‘I’m sorry.’ She typed in, letting the phone talk for her.

@declancahill​

~

Declan got down to help her pick her things up and her phone. He nodded at her and waved it off. “It’s okay.” He said giving the sign he had learned for okay but other than that and occasional other signs he saw he was definitely not educated enough for this conversation. He pulled out his own phone and typed in the notes, ‘are you okay?’ handing it over to her as he continued helping to pick up her things. He wasn’t sure if she was deaf or mute but he didn’t want to take the chance of them not understanding each other.

Astrid couldn’t help but smile softly. “I promise you will get no judgement from me if you take a nap or two in the day. You should see how many naps I take.” She said with a slight laugh. “It’s a lot to take in at once, I get it.” She said and took his hand in hers. “We just work well together.” She added, watching him for a moment. “You impress me all the time. I mean, it’s not every day that you fall for someone as amazing as you, I mean you didn’t even blink an eye at Stella and I moving in. You know how incredible that is?” She said and leaned her head against the back of the chair she was sitting in. “You give me all the happiness.”

~

Declan chuckled, “well then I just might take naps with you.” He said with a smile but nodded at her, it was definitely a lot to take in. “Yeah, it is and we do. Just a lot of steps forward. I want us to be okay though because honestly if we’re not okay... the kids will know. I don’t want any of them going through that.” Declan shrugged and smiled, “well I know you’re gonna need help with all three of them and I figured the best way for me to help is for us to move in together.” He smiled, “You give me a lot of happiness too but I really want you and the kids to be okay. So that’s what matters most right now.” 

“Yeah?” Astrid said softly, a smile on her face. “I can’t wait to move in. I know it will be a big change for you so I can’t thank you enough. It’s been hard, if I’m honest.” She said and nodded her head. “We can work on doing that together.” She said and offered him a reassuring smile. “I’ve heard before that it might take some time for the dads. I mean I’m physically attached to them, so I think it’s hard for me not to fall in love with them already but it’s okay. I know you will love them in time. It’s a lot to take in.” She said as she reached out and took his hand into hers. “You didn’t. I promise. I’m okay and you can take all the time you need to process and stuff. I know it’s all a lot and sudden.” She said as she sat up slightly on the table. “I’m so thankful to have you back in my life. Honestly. You’ve been nothing but amazing honestly, the complete opposite of Stella’s father.” 

~

Declan shook his head, “Nah, not too big of a change, just more people in the house. I mean... until I get used to Stella you might catch me sleeping less but It shouldn’t be too big of an adjustment. It’d be nice to not live alone.” Declan nodded and smiled, “that’s comforting for sure. I think it’s mostly just sensory overload from all the new information.” He chuckled and shrugged, “you always knew how to handle me moving a bit slower emotionally than you. It definitely helps me feel more comfortable and better at this. Not as stressed about impressing you, I guess.” He shrugged, “I just want what’s best for you, Astrid. Always have. You deserve happiness.” 

Astrid looked at Declan and couldn’t help but smile. He had always seemed to be able to put a smile on her face and this was no different. She felt a hand resting on her belly, mostly out of habit as she looked up to him. “No, I want to move in, I promise you wouldn’t be forcing anything. I just want to make sure you are okay with instantly having a baby in the house.” She said and offered a smile towards him. When the doctor had said twins, her eyes went wide as she looked to Declan. “I mean…my cousin had twins so I know they ran in the family somewhere down the line but wow…”

She looked down at the growing belly. “I guess that’s why I am so much bigger than with Stella. That makes sense now…wow.” She said as she stared at the ultrasound for just a moment more. The doctor moved out of the room to give them a moment and Astrid placed a hand carefully on her belly, tears almost falling from her eyes. “I love them so much already Declan.”

~

Declan smiled and gave a quick nod, “then I guess we better start moving you and Stella in.” He scratched the back of his neck. “We’re gonna have to clean out the two extra bedrooms I have. I’ve been using them for storage.” He chuckled. His brows raised when she spoke and he laughed, “guess that second bedroom is gonna have to be split one day.”

He looked at her before looking back at the ultrasound again and smiled, “I can tell.” He smiled when she turned back to him, “I gotta admit I don’t have that connection to them yet like you do. But, I am pretty excited to meet them and get to know them. I guess it’s just me being kind of blind sided still by all this news.” He smiled, “I probably just big time put my foot in my mouth, huh? I don’t really know how to explain what I’m feeling for them though. I just... I just want you to be okay, and as long as you’re set then I’m ready to love them as much as you.”

Astrid leaned against Declan, head resting on his shoulder as she listened to him, nodding her head. “I just..it’s my fault. I was so sure it wasn’t even a possibility.” She looked down at the ultrasound. “Move in? Really? I mean you would let us move in?” She asked, head tilted to the side slightly. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes because she hadn’t expected this much support. She knew Declan was different then Stella’s father but she just wasn’t used to anything like this. “I um..I would love to, you know…move in” She said and looked up to him. “I have another ultrasound in a few hours if you wanted to come along? It uh..took a couple weeks to let it sink in..sorry for the uh..short notice.”

At the doctor’s office, Astrid was sitting on the chair, shirt pulled up as the nurse put the cold jelly on her stomach. She looked over to Declan and held her hand out for him, looking back as the nurse put the wand over her belly, finding the baby and the heartbeat. She couldn’t stop smiling at the sound. The nurse recorded the sound and then moved the wand just a little. “Oh my..it looks like you’re having twins!” She said excitedly. Astrid looked towards Declan, eyes wide.

~

Declan shook his head but smiled at her, “I remember being there too and being just as irresponsible as you were. This isn’t all your fault. We’re both adults and we took a chance.” He shrugged but his smile never wavered, “I was just as reckless as you.” He chuckled and shook his head, “it’s only if you want to. I just don’t want you think that you’re in this alone unless you wanna be. I’m not going to force our lives to be together just because we have a kid but if you want it we can do it.” 

He sat next to her at the doctor’s office and held her hand when she reached out for him. A smile gracing his face but his eyes went to the screen in front of them. His brows rose at the thought of twins and he chuckled at the thought of it. “Well, definitely a surprise, huh.” He was smiling though, happy and definitely not going anywhere with the thought of twins being on their plate now. 

Astrid wasn’t sure how she should be feeling right now abut all she could feel was shock. She had known for a week now but somehow seeing Declan right in front of her was making it 1000% more real. She let him take Stella from her after they were in the house. She sat down letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. She didn’t know why she was so nervous about telling him. She knew he wouldn’t react how Stella’s father had reacted but she was still anxious. It was her fault, at least that’s what she was telling herself. She had insisted that there was no way she could get pregnant again so soon after Stella but she was obviously wrong. “I can’t do this alone…so uh that’s out of the question. I can barely handle just Stella and now this and trying to work and support us.” She said and looked up at Declan, leaning up against him as he wrapped his arm around her. “I just…you don’t hate me? I mean it’s not like you asked for a kid…”

~

“I could never hate you, Astrid.” He said keeping her in his arms and holding her close to him. “You’re not going to do this alone, but whatever decision you make I’m here for you. I could never hate you though. Never think that.” He said pulling away and wiping her face, pushing the hair out of her eyes. “Just breath for me, okay? You’re going to be okay, Stella is going to be okay, and this baby is going to be okay. You can always move in here if you want. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but you’re not alone in this at all.” He pulled her back into his arms and gently rubbed her back and rocked her soothingly to try to calm her nerves. 

He knew this was a lot on her, and it was a lot on him too but right now his worry was Astrid. What she needed to do and what she wanted to do going forward. The ball was in her court in this situation but if she didn’t want to choose today she didn’t have to.

*about 6 weeks later*

Astrid stared at the 5 positive tests in her hands. She was having a hard time believing what she was seeing, which is why she had taken 5 of them. She let out a sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. She had already had a doctor’s appointment as she had found out the previous week but she had been spending quite a bit of time staring at the tests along side the ultrasound picture. She knew she needed to tell Declan, a bump already showing slightly and the pregnancy was already very different from her first pregnancy as she hadn’t really been showing this early with Stella. The ultrasound didn’t show anything different but she still was curious why it was this different. She took the tests and the picture and got in the car, Stella sleeping in her car seat as she drove to Declan’s place, parking and taking Stella and the items to his door, knocking. Once he opened the door she held up the tests and the ultrasound up to him. “I think we need to talk.”

Declan’s brows raised as he answered the door, caught completely off guard by Astrid standing there. He reached out to grab the tests and the ultrasound and stared for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, probably not a bad idea.” He said reaching out for Stella’s carseat and letting them both inside. He ran his hand over his head after gently setting Stella’s carseat down. His brows pulled together as he paced. “First, what... what do you wanna do?” He shrugged, “no matter what you choose I’m here for you.” He knew it was his, he knew Astrid too well. She wouldn’t have just brought this to him if it wasn’t his. He sat down beside and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I wanna help you, and be there for you however I can.” He said looking at her intently and nodding, “I don’t wanna force you into anything though. If you wanna...” he shrugged, “if you wanna try a relationship again, I’d be glad to. If you wanna... if you wanna keep doing this on your own.” A sadness filled his eyes at the thought, “I’ll be here to help out. Keep Stella and the baby when you need me too. Help pay for stuff. Whatever you need from me.”

Astrid smiled and looked over towards him. “You can have as many copies as you want. I’ll even sign them for you.” She said and nodded. “I hear that. But I’m back now.” She said and looked over. “Stella is a baby. So you know, eats, sleeps, screams, poops. Pretty much all there is to her however she is amazing, honestly.” She said and laughed. “She seems to like the color green and she loves car rides.” She said and shrugged. “Oh you know, just coming back and dealing with a baby daddy that wants nothing to do with his baby and so been trying to get him to sign his rights off so when someone does want to be her daddy, they legally can.”

He chuckled, “She sounds like me, easy to please.” His laughter a little more boisterous than intended. “I’m sure she is amazing, like her mother.” He smiled holding his hand out for her to take. His brows pulled together in thought as she talked about Stella’s father and he sighed. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, Strid. I really am. If there is anything I can do to help you I will. All you gotta do is ask.”