Enter The Void

But do you understand what I mean when I say you look like art? That you’re the frame hanging above my bed, the last thing I see before I close my eyes. That you’re all of my favourite colours, like a personalised rainbow after rain- stretched across white walls. You’re the dimensions of my heart, the pondering of my mind, the faith in my soul, the captivity of my liberation. I have read you countless times, and I read you over and over again, like underlined sentences highlighted in my memory. When I say you look like art, I mean you’re a complete enigma to me, but all of you makes me stop dead in my tracks and I can’t look away because something in you understands something in me, it always has.

SWEET ENOUGH TO FORGET I deserve better than ego and pretending like he doesn’t care so I’m gonna doll myself up, go out, kick down the walls and have a good time. I’ll find in strangers the assurance I needed from him, in long stares and subtle glances, in the flirting from men much older than me, in the younger ones’ compliments, “You’re so pretty”, and it’s not that I needed him to tell me I was beautiful as reassurance, but that I was wanted. So when their attention soaks through the barriers I put up after he decided I wasn’t important, it’ll make me feel less impossible to love. Yeah, I’m gonna go out every night this week, fill my head so fully with new faces, silly take-you-home tactics, sugary smiles, and drunken laughter that when I get home Saturday night and jump into bed, I won’t remember him at all.

AT A LOSS I don’t know how to make sense to you. I don’t know how to make you understand that I love you, I want to love you, I could love you, better than anyone else. They tell me I’m good with words, but I don’t know how to say it.

Drugs are the fucking devil but the coolest friend ever. A dangerous psycho bitch, but a therapist of sorts. It’s both terrible and great. Until you find yourself gasping for breathe because you’ve fucked with it for so long. I saw my whole life at that point, I saw who I used to be and came back to this shell of a human. Drugs killed a lot of me, but it helped me find myself as well. I see things a little clearer, I look deeper into people because I wish someone had just saw me instead of just seeing a junkie.

uh 

you: pussy

uh 

you: pussy