I live in what an old timey english movie would call an orphanage, and what a normal person would call a group home.
A big house filled with tiny people all living under the same rules, same doctrine, same routines, even same uniforms till we have to go to school. The only thing different about us is the fact we all have different origins and different names really.
For example, Amami's parents died in a car crash that paralyzed him from the waist down, Tsukino's dad was arrested cuz he beat him to near death, and Hibiki was brought here at birth cuz her single mother died when she was born.
I don't really have a tragic story like they do though. My mom just couldn't take care of a disabled kid and had to give me up once she realized she couldn't.
I don't remember her much, I just remember her crying a lot and hugging me a lot when we had to say goodbye.
I also remember her asking me not to forget her.
Ironic that I did in the end, huh?
Well, that doesn't matter. The moral of the story here is that not a lot of parents are willing to give up their kids. Or at least, give βem up for reasons as selfless as my mom's were, so I'm not really an unfortunate person like everyone else is. And I'm not really someone who was βsaved by faithβ or anything either, I'm kinda just a poser posing as a holy saint so I don't trouble the people around me with a not-so-pretty picture.
And even though I'm promised heaven just like all the other faithful little followers of our faith, I just can't seem to care about it. All I can think is βOh. Guess that's why everyone else cares about itβ and that was it. Heaven didn't sound enticing at all.
That's a pretty huge contrast between me and Takumin then; cuz Takumin wanted to go to heaven so bad it drove her crazy.
It made sense though. Like everyone else, she had a terribly tragic life.
Abusive parents that couldn't give less of a damn about her that only really talked to her to yell at her, a history of online catfishing and e-kittening out on older dudes just to feel like a real girl, then getting abandoned by both in the end cuz well, girls with dicks are only hot in futanari porn, not when they're just trans. And well, her parents were Christian, so porn was a no-go for them either way.
Point is, this place is as much of a sanctuary to her as it is for everyone else.
Yet cuz I had a nice childhood, a nice mom, memories of happiness happier than this place really, I just can't help but feel nauseous being here.
At designated daily prayer, I feel so sick I'll pass out. At our designated daily meals I can barely eat. During designated sleeping time, I can't go to sleep either, I just stay awake till morn.
I stare into the mirror and shake a little at my gnarly and swollen face in the mirror. Every time I do I'm reminded the only pain I've ever felt is physical. I could never comprehend something emotional or psychological cuz I'm a kid who had a wonderful life from the very beginning.
βIs that really true?β Says the white haired blue eyed beauty on the other side of the looking glass.
βYou know better than anyone else it's true.β I respond.
βI know you better than yourself. I know it just isn't.β
β...Whatever you say, Tenshi-sama.β I scoffed.
βOh no need to get snarky.β
βWhatever! I'm gonna go play a game on my phone or something! I don't wanna see you anymore!!β I stormed out of the bathroom screaming that. When I did, some kid looked at me like I was crazy.
I stare at you from behind. I stare at you from above. I stare at you from beneath. I stare from left to right, but never in front less you face me first.
No matter what, we can't hold a real conversationβ for I have no physical form.
You cannot converse nor connect with something that is not real.
Just as you cannot reach the fictional worldβ I who am fictional cannot reach you.
What a miserable fate I have indeedβ¦
I watch as you converse about prayer with that girl you like. I watch as you struggle at school. I watch as you cry alone in your hospital bed. I watch as you laugh off teasing in favor of comforting her.
You lead a more miserable life than you realize, don't you?
That's the reason this faith won't save you.
Because you believe you have already been saved by yourself.
Yet I, who am you, have yet to fulfill that duty.
I will. I definitely will.
I watched a corny anime with Koishi far past our designated sleeping time.
We laughed low when the sad parts showed up, pretended to sleep when Lord Helios walked the halls to check up on the sleeping children, then, she nudged me gently and kept me awake so we could watch the finale together by dawn.
The real reason I'm not a good kid is because of her.
The real reason I can't reach heaven is because of her.
I know all of this too well, but I can't bring myself to hate her.
Her hands are warm, and shake a lot. They're really small and almost always wrapped in gauze (a trait she often compares to a MRTK character). I like holding them.
Sometimes I wish I didn't.
Sometimes I wish I wanted to be a boy so I could hold her right.
She doesn't mind; says she likes girls better.
But I know God doesn't want that for either of us.
The suited men will come for Hibiki soon.
I won't. And neither will she.
