Dear Summer...

Dear Summer has regretfully become inactive for a while.

Until we become active again, I (Brown Eyes / Orym Nore) will be answering letters at my personal website and blog: www.OrymNore.com

For those of you struggling, feeling stuck, looking to improve life, wanting more, or would like to share your thoughts, feelings and ideas about the world, I am here and would love to hear from you. 

Dear Summer, I like-maybe even love a guy two years younger than me. We're good friends, and he even has helped me with a few anxiety attacks. All my friends say I get a huge grin on my face and my eyes light up when I talk about him. But, there's an issue- he has a girlfriend. And if they were to break up, there's the question of if he feels the same way. He acts like he might, dropping subtle hints like he "likes older girls" and the oldest he's date is the age I am. Am I overthinking? Help!

Yikes. Those are some dangerous waters, Anonymous. I’m worried that putting to much attention into perusing a person that is in relationship could result in you getting seriously hurt. It’s certainly possible that he feels the same way you do if he’s dropping subtle hints and sending some lovey-dovey vibes your way.

Just understand, it’s a major risk. Be emotionally ready if things do not go the way you hope.

One thing that I think it’s important to remember is that in this moment, this young man is not available. I think your best option is to wait for them to break up and then possibly talk to him about how you’re feeling. Until then, put your attention into other single people.

Best,

My best friend is leading me on. I told him that he was too, and he's still doing it. He texts me really late at night just to chat. Or he wants to call or face time me just for. But he knows those are things that make me think I like him because we talked about it. He cares about me and I care about him but sometimes he cares a little too much for the sense of platonic love. He says he doesn't like me but my friends agree he's too much when he interacts with me. Idk what to do?

Dear Anonymous,

I led somebody on once. Multiple people actually. There’s some kind of overwhelming sick thrill knowing that the person on the other end is gushing over your existence. I in no way at all planned on stopping. In some way, I needed that. I needed an everyday reminder that I am loved, and in the process likely tortured the poor victim on the other side. I couldn’t see how much I was hurting them and therefore chose to ignore the possibility.

Your best friend is not going to stop because he needs that attention. Whether he feels the same way or not (which it sounds like he doesn’t) he gets a sense of security knowing that you’re always available. To him, you’re always an option, a plan B, a scapegoat... 

Now, anonymous, I’m not suggesting that you end your friendship, but I whole heatedly and encouraging you to remove yourself from that god awful situation, ASAP. It’s time that you disconnect yourself and set some boundaries. I imagine that there is part of you that enjoys the attention he gives you (I mean, who wouldn’t!?) but being happy means letting go and putting your efforts into a young man that loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

I hope you find this to be helpful. Please write back if you’d like and keep me updated. I’m always here to help.

Best,

Dear Summer,

My best friend is leading me on. I told him that he was too, and he's still doing it. He texts me really late at night just to chat. Or he wants to call or face time me just for. But he knows those are things that make me think I like him because we talked about it. He cares about me and I care about him but sometimes he cares a little too much for the sense of platonic love. He says he doesn't like me but my friends agree he's too much when he interacts with me. Idk what to do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You talk a lot about your best friend’s actions and how they make you feel as though he likes you, but you don’t say anything at all about how you feel other than that you care about him.

So why is this bothering you so much?

Your stance on this situation is a bit unclear to me. You’ve said you feel like he’s leading you on but you’ve also said that he cares a little too much.

He’s your best friend and generally, best friends do the things you’ve mentioned above. I text and call my best friend everyday just to chat. I care about my best friend. We hug. Our interactions probably sometimes appear questionably romantic (though they’re not).

And I never consider whether or not he likes me because I know that he doesn’t. He’s my best friend and I’m his and that’s all we are.

So, it’s certainly possible that your best friend likes you, but more importantly than that, I’d urge you to start thinking about why it is that you’re questioning his actions so much. Perhaps you’re so hyper-vigilant around him because you’re looking a sign that he has feelings for you.

Perhaps this means that you might actually have feelings for him and you’re just not allowing yourself to admit it.

What would that mean for you and your relationship with him?

Is there a reason you’re afraid of letting yourself like him?

Might your actions also come across as flirtatious and non-platonic towards him?

What’s so wrong with trying things out and telling him how you feel?

So take a look at your situation from a new perspective.

It’s time to face those feelings of yours.

Always Yours,

My boyfriend doesn't know I self harm, should I tell him or just let him find out one day? PLEASE HELP I REALLY LIKE HIM AND I DON'T WANT TO F THIS UP

Dear Anonymous,

If your thinking of self-harming, you absolutely should reach out to someone! If you feel your boyfriend would be a good person to share this with then you certainly should. More detail with be great! Please feel free to write back, I’d really love to help.

Best,

Dear Summer,

Ever since I have met this person about 2+ years ago, I felt a connection to them for no reason at all. I was so hyped to meet them even though I knew 0 about them or what they looked like but I was excited. When we met I definitely felt odd and like there might be something between us. Up until now it seems like they may be interested or flirting. They are a bit older than me. What do I do in my situation? Is there a reason for feeling a connection?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous

You don’t give much detail in your message, but it sounds like you met someone online who you’re looking to pursue romantically.

Even though you’ve know this person for a few years, you still note that you knew 0 about them when you met them. You also describe the way you felt as “odd.”

So by the way you’ve written to us, it sounds like there’s something stopping you from pursuing something more than a friendship.

Is this someone who lives close enough to have a real relationship with? If not, are you willing to start something long-distance?

How much older is he/she?

What are your doubts?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with meeting someone online, but I do think you should be cautious.

People can present themselves in a completely different than the way they actually are in person.

My advice would be to get to know this person a little better before you decide to do anything about your feelings, and not just the online version of him/her, but the actual, real, true personality that you probably still have quite a lot to learn about.

Do there’s no need to rush into anything.

As I always say, take things one step at a time and they’ll fall into the right place.

Always yours,

I like my best friend a lot but my best friend doesn't think of me that way. Is there any way I can attract them or try to initiate something with them to get them to like me back?

Hey Anonymous!

Love is sort of a strange thing, and it’s hard to be sure that your best friend doesn’t completely feel the same way you do. There is no way to force somebody to be attracted to you, it’s really beyond your control, but you certainly can initiate a little extra effort and attempt to see if there are some mutual feelings.

I’d love to hear more details or to be updated so that I can help more.

Best,

Thank you so much for helping me I just can't describe how much good I feel now you an angle you saved me thanks for your wonderful advice . But the thing is I haven't said my boyfriend yet that I cheated on him I just don't wanna lose him ! Help !

I really feel that it’s better he hears the bad news from you. It will be a difficult conversation, but one that is a must. I think in this situation, you really just need to accept his feelings, whatever they may be, and once again, reassure that it will never happen again. He deserves to know.

Best,

Dear Summer,

So I thought I was over my ex boyfriend. I had all summer to be over him and I thought I did it, I was so proud but... Today was the first day of school, and whenever I saw him I felt like a queasy feeling in my stomach and almost felt sad. I feel like I just miss HAVING a boyfriend but I don't know what to do. I don't want to end up getting hurt if I continue these feelings! Have any advice?

Anonymous 

Dear Anonymous

Getting over someone you used to date is a complicated affair. It doesn’t just happen over night.

It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress over the summer, so don’t sell yourself short. 

But now you’re faced with a new situation to conquer: seeing him at school.

I think it’s natural for you to feel a little anxiety seeing him for the first time in a few months. During the summer you could ignore the fact that he continues to exist. Now, at school, you’re faced with seeing him everyday and that’s something that you just can’t control.

So you’re worried that this feeling will continue to hurt you as the school year goes on. That’s logical (and expected).

But I don’t think you have much to worry about. Now that you’ve seen him for the first time and gotten that out of the way, seeing him again will only continue to get easier. 

And the good news is: once it no longer bothers you when you see him, you’ll know you’re over him for good (and I promise you this will happen!). You just have to give it some time. Healing can’t be rushed.

So do you’re best to enjoy the new year. Meet new people. Open yourself up to new opportunities. Don’t let your worries paralyze you because it’s normal to feel how your feeling. Breakups aren't easy but they always gets better.

Always yours,

I am so incredibly proud and happy for you! You took some really difficult steps in the right direction and that progress is something you deserve praise for! I have such much hope that you will get better and I’m so glad that you’re doing this for yourself. I wish you the very best success seeing your counselor on Friday. 

Be strong. You’ve got this!!!! :) Always yours,

Dear summer,

I like this guy a lot. hes perfect. He's so handsome, smart, caring and funny. He’s been telling me he has feelings for someone which i thought was me as his description of her matches my personality and characteristics. so one day i told him how i felt with confidence but he said he doesn’t feel the same way about me. i think the girl he likes is someone from my class. She’s big headed and she thinks every guys likes her. i'm in tears and it hurts. what do i do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

How painful.

But if the girl this guy likes is actually the way you describe, he’ll soon learn the hard way that he’s going after the wrong girl.

Sometimes when we’re young, we’re attracted to the wrong kind of people until we get a little experience and find out what it actually is that we want.

So I can’t guarantee that this guy will snap out of it and start liking you instead. That may or may never happen. There’s just no knowing that.

It might also be a long time before he discovers that he’s chasing after the wrong kind of girl. Some of us never do.

So the best thing you can do right now is love yourself. Don’t take his rejection personally. Know you’re worth and don’t let him take that away from you.

It sounds to me like you’re pretty awesome and if he’s willing to pass that up it’s his loss.

Keep your confidence and don’t ever settle for some guy who likes someone else.

Because someday, a guy will come along who sees how truly beautiful you are and you’ll forget all about that other guy.

You deserve the best, and the way this guy is right now just isn't it.

Always yours,

Dear Summer,

I have a little confusion going on my mind so I have been dating this guy from 3 months I loved him lot but there is problem we went to second date and in that I realized maybe who he really was he didn't not offered me to eat he was not paying any money he kinda acted selfish in fact I was paying for everything which made me think who is he is I didn't knew his this side . I don't know what to do ! Maybe I'm overthinking or what ?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like your relationship with this guy is still relatively new. That means you still have a lot of getting to know each other to do. So you’ve just uncovered a new thing about him: he’s cheap and possibly selfish.

Is he like this in other situations too?

The best thing you can do, sunshine, is have a conversation with him about it. Talk to him about how bothered it made you feel to have to pay for everything.

Maybe you guys can work something out where you switch off who pays. Some guys don’t like having to pay for EVERYTHING (and honestly I don’t blame them. Personally, I think that rule is a bit sexist and only formulated by society.) My boyfriend and I either pay for our own meals or we switch off on who pays and try to make it as fair as possible.

So it’s all about figuring out something that works for the both of you.

Don’t let this one incident break your relationship. However, if it’s something that continues to bother you, it’s definitely worth a conversation.

And if it still continues, you will have to decide whether or not this is something you can deal with throughout the entirety of your relationship and not get upset over. 

It’s impossible to know everything about a person in the first three months of dating. I think you’ll find that there’s a lot you don’t know about your boyfriend and a lot he doesn’t know about you—things you like and things you don’t like.

So when you do feel bothered by something new, don’t be afraid to discuss it. Holding it in will only make it come out in other ways and cause problems down the road.

So talk, discuss, converse. Communication is the key to keeping your relationship healthy. 

Always yours,

Dear Summer,

How do I tell a family member that they need therapy? They don't hate that kinda stuff as they have helped me with it... I just don't really think they've realized that they kinda need it too

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Telling someone they need therapy can come across in a number of ways ranging from an act of love to as a malicious attack; so how you frame the conversation is important. I’m glad you’re putting some real thought into it.

Perhaps when your family member opens up to you about what he/she is going through, you could try saying how much therapy helped you when you were struggling, and how you think he/she might also benefit from it.

Tell him/her about what it was like working with a therapist for you. Sometimes people are afraid to go because they don’t know what to expect. Perhaps offer to take him/her there for the first time. Offer as much support as you can.

Tell him/her that you are coming from a place of love and concern and that you only want the very best for him/her.

And most importantly, be conscious of seeming too pushy or judgmental. It’s not easy to hear that we need help; it implies that there’s something wrong with us.

And it’s entirely possible that your family member will resist your advice. That’s ok; don't feel discouraged. Some people are more stubborn than others. 

However, just talking to your family member about it and getting the idea in his/her head will get him/her to start considering it and will hopefully help him/her come around when he/she is ready. 

Always yours,

Dear Summer

I'm a girl and my best friend is a boy. I tell him almost everything. I haven't told him that I struggle with bulimia/purging. I haven't told anyone, actually. I don't know who to tell. I want to tell someone but I'm scared. I'm very overweight so I don't want people to judge me for it. I don't know what to do.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with bulimia/purging—

I can hardly imagine how difficult it must be—

especially to go through alone.

My advice: Tell your friend.

He sounds like someone you can trust. He can help you get the help you need to get through this.

The key to getting better is having a good, healthy support system and until you do that, things are only going to get worse. Don’t let them.

You write that you’re worried about what people will think of you if they know the truth. Well sunshine, that’s something that’s out of your control, so try not to worry so much about it.

Because chances are, the people who you choose to tell (your friend and perhaps some other people who you feel comfortable trusting) will not judge you from a place of superiority or maliciousness, but from a place of love and in an effort to help you get better.

You’ve already taken the first step. You’ve written to us. You’ve admitted that you have a problem and that you want to fix it.

So now it’s time to tell the people in your life—your loved ones—the people who can get you help.

Be brave.

I think you’ll be surprised by how good it feels to finally share the weight of your burden with someone else. You don’t have to do this alone.

Always yours,