Dear and Dearest

you know I am sitting in my living room that is littered with piles of clothes and boxes.

I am in my new apartment. I left my ex about a month ago and I haven't had time to really unpack because I was working 2 jobs. But i quit my part time and this was my first week where I really got to experience this moment.

So here I am midnight, in my bare living room, my computer open on top of a box. listening to my Stevie Nicks playlist and eating store bought fish sticks. No one will be walking in. No one is going to say anything to me. ever. I am alone.

I needed to journal first because I haven't really since I moved. while writing i realized that this experience is unique to me because I have never lived without the pressure and control of another person in my whole 36 years of life. 

I really dont know what to do with myself or how I'm feeling. Oh i definitely had ideas and things I “should” be doing. but that's bs right?

I think eating fishsticks with my plate placed on top of my daughters stepstool, procrastinating writing on my laptop and sitting in my bare living room, listening to Stevie nicks is right where I should be. I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. what I want. what's making me happy right now. 

This decision has been an emotional rollercoaster. It took a lot of self acceptance, therapy, and healing.

I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I havent moved yet, after all. But i was the most afraid that i would fail. My family always thought i would fail. The ex I'm leaving thinks I will fail. I worry that i wont be able to have what i dreamed for me. To be in control of my life.

It made me doubt if I should and even tried rationing why I should stay.

Honestly... stay. Here. I was that afraid.

No.

I realized that it didn't matter if i did fail. It didnt matter if I cant afford to support myself in 3 months or one year.

I will figure it out. I know I can. Its why I'm still alive right now.

And the act and experience, no matter how short lived. Will be worth it.

It will be worth it to experience a life that i have control over.

A life where if certain things go wrong. It will not be because of another person.

I have never had that.

My life has been so controlled, chaotic and traumatizing.

And I'm still here.

I’m 35 years old and it’s really hard to not feel like a failure.

When I think about what other must think of me, I imagine that they think I’m a failure.

they see this “pretty” “smart” “girl” who has no education and very little job experience. cleaning and taking out garbage.

They must think “what a waste”

 But they don’t see the 20 years of abuse I suffered with my family

The 3 years with my ex

and more issues with my family. the next 12 years with my ex hat I am just now preparing to leave.

When I finally moved across the country away from my family 3 years ago.

The last year I went to therapy and started school.

 I changed and figured out who I was. became more acquainted with myself and am working towards living on my own for the first time in my life.

something that I want so body, my whole body and mind craves for it,

 but even after all that growth, I still want to hide away because I am not where I “should” be.

I am proud of my progress but…

 I’m hesitating here because I don’t know.

 I shouldn’t care what people think about me. I mean who the fuck are they right?

but It still enters my mind. It will be on my mind at my job interview and every time I meet someone new.

 I don’t think its as simple as getting over it.

I’ve been speaking to myself way to long for such a simple solution.

Yo brain. You da shit

My mind was so blank tired and worn out

Felt my light getting dimmer and dimmer

 I would have conversations with celebrities at dinner

Give ted talks and

And closing arguments in the kitchen

 I thought my brain was dying

But it was really trying

To help me remember ….

…

Fuck those demons are back.

It’s drawing up the blanket and darkening me out

It’s shutting off the panels trying to keep be blocked out.

 I want to remember

I want to retrieve it

I struggle and I scream but the demons don’t believe it

I scratch and I bite

I drag and I claw

 I know the demons are trying to protect me

But they’ve gone too far and I’m worse than before

 Worse because I can’t move forward

Worse because I... can’t...

Today my friend died. It feels weird to call her my friend because I was her caregiver and we haven’t known each other for so long. But I loved her and I know she loved me.

We got along right away. We saw ourselves in each other and we understood each other.

While everyone would have called her difficult or some other harsh word.

I could never use those words to describe her.

To me she was funny and sweet. Thoughtful and hardheaded.

She was honest and just a character.

I loved her and I will miss her terribly.

My school had a writing contest where you needed to write a story based on one of five pictures. I saw this one and a whole story came to me

Photo credit: unknown

The Usual

by Eddie Wayne

We always part here. Her, never reaching the top and me not stopping at the bottom.

I don’t know why. But it’s become a tradition of ours.

I already know what’s going to happen. We’re going to stop at the half way point. She will look at me briefly and smile. Her eyes will sweep over the walls and stairs. Looking everywhere but at me. And me. Well, I never could keep my eyes off of her.

And like always, I take the leap first. Just like when we met the first time. I talked to her. Just like back then, she seemed so grateful that I did.

“I’ll miss you.”

She finally looks at me long enough to say she will miss me too.

She did the usual kiss on the cheek. That’s her first leap. I’m always shy when it comes to that.

She said the usual small wave of goodbye before breaking away up the stairs.

We have learned the hard way that dragging it out makes the distance worse.

And for my part, without looking back, I would climb down those stairs, and head back to my home.

Today I watched her. I watched her lift each foot to the next step. I watched when she reached the top.

And stared after her back disappeared.

People were walking around me and bumping into me, no doubt wondering what the hell was I was doing.

What was I doing?

My routines and traditions are so comforting to me. After a life of unpredictability and chaos, “the usual” makes me feel like my feet are finally planted into the ground.

When I go to breakfast, it’s the usual.

When I make lunch for my kids, it’s the usual.

When I see her… it’s the usual.

We meet.

We spend time together.

We remind each other, “Hey. I love you”

But then we part.

At our usual spot.

I don’t know why, but at that moment, on that day, I could not think of why.

Why did I walk away from her all of those times, all of those years?

How did I manage to do that?

Why is this occurring to me now???

My usual is comforting and grounds me.

but what the point of it all if every 3 months I’m uprooted and torn?

Feeling lost and alone.

I spend those 3 months in-between putting it all back together.

Like clockwork.

why?

Before I can ask myself anymore questions. I was moving.

I was running.

I ran down the block towards her home until I caught sight of her.

She was sitting at the café across her building.

Our usual. Where we go in the mornings and stop again at night.

Her back was towards me.

I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t consider one.

I just sat down in the chair opposite her.

“I’m staying.”

She stared at me for a long time.

This is the longest she’s held my gaze without looking away embarrassed.

I let her. I knew what she was looking for.

“For how long?”

“Indefinitely.”

She finally broke out into a smile and looked away from me again.

“This is very impulsive of you.” she teased.

“I know. Are you scared?”

“No. I’m impressed, actually.”

We sat there at the café and we laughed. At me. At her. At us.

The waiter eventually came by to take my order.

“The usual.” I told them.

Saying that now feels differently.

This is my new usual, this change, this life.

I can already feel myself digging in.

Chapters: 2/? Fandom: 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén, Lán Qǐrén, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Additional Tags: Stable boy - Freeform, tudor home Summary:

We met just the year before. Briefly.  We shared a look, a moment. I remember it, but … he doesn’t remember it. at least that’s what he says.

When we were suddenly rushed back together and having to work closely together for the next year or so.

We flirted and fell in love… well… I fell in love.

The other… well you can’t really tell with him.

Sometimes you think he does and the next... you think you’re the last person on his mind.

The hard part is that he does both so convincingly.

After about a month of filming we had to go away from the rest of the cast and do a project together.

He looked so beautiful.

He thought I looked beautiful

It was the first time he looked at me like that.

At least since that short moment in the past.

The first time it lingered

Even though he was saying words I’ve heard before from other people.

They sounded and felt differently coming from him.

They made my heart pound.

Made me breathless

I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not.

Even as his eyes dragged up and down my body.

I wanted it to be true.

I wanted him to prove it.

I would have given him anything he asked if it meant I could take some proof that he loved me too

We went out that night.

We drank

… we kissed

We made love… had sex

It was nothing.

We had to work together for the next year

Its not a good time for a new relationship

Were just good friends.

It’s okay.

 Its fine.

I can do this.

Its not that big of a deal.

We got back on the set and I quickly realized that it wasn’t going to be that easy.

Because he was still wonderful

And he was beautiful.

When he smiled at me my whole body cried out at how unfair it was that it wasn’t mine.

 He thought we should be friends. But then he was always around me. Guarding me, watching me.

I was very aware of him all the time.

If I wasn’t watching him, he was watching me.

He never dared let anyone else talk to me for too long.

He couldn’t tolerate it if my attention was on someone else for too long.

I was so pleased by his jealousy.

it gave off the illusion that I was the center of his world.

And I basked in it.

The problem was the times when he wasn’t focused on me.

Even though those moments were small,

They were so cold and so dark.

I experienced a loneliness I have never experienced in my whole life.

 I had to be around him. He was a bright light and I needed to feel its rays or I might just die.

I did everything I could to be around him.

It was in impulse.

If he was there, I needed to get close.

I could tell there were times where he didn’t want me around.

He would call me a kid, say that I’m annoying. Sometimes physically push me away.

But I couldn’t stop.

I was hooked on him

My mind was obsessed with feeling of his hands all over my body and the way that he looked at me.

How his mouth felt against mine.

I was sure I would never feel it again.

It will never feel this good with someone else.

It will never feel this right again.

I know it.

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon), 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Additional Tags: Short, Short & Sweet, BTS of The Untamed refrenced, NOT a RPF, you'll know if you've seen it, Idiots in Love, First Kiss, Written quickly Summary:

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn Additional Tags: Alternate Scene, Drugged Sex, Lan Zhan gets drugged, based on original work, Teasing, literally just the porn, Shameless Smut, Lan Zhan is loud Summary:

Passion. What am I passionate about?

I used to be a very passionate person.

I had little trouble coming up with the words to describe how much something moved me or tore me down.

But now…. I find myself passionless

I can’t muster the energy the drive the force

It was a force

I was passionate with everything I did.

People would get caught up in my whirlwind and they either survived or they didn’t

I wonder at what point in my life …  I stop caring?

Did I stop loving?

No

I still love

But the burning energy that use to light up under my skin when I felt something deeply is gone.

Feeling things deeply is gone

I have no expectations

My confidence in love has dwindled

The love for others and myself

The love for my thoughts and opinions

No one cares about them

Not even me

How do I get that back?

Is that something that I can get back?

Will I wake up just caring one day?

I don’t know

It is something that I am aware of

My mojo is gone

My gusto

My force

My passion

…how to get you back…