Perfect isn't always perfect

i’m sorry. i can’t come to the phone right now? why? oh. cause i hate talking on the phone please text me instead.

the other night i tried to make a curry and i got chilli burns all over my face, so i thought to myself ‘hang on, doesn’t milk soothe chilli burns? it does’ and i couldn’t google because i couldn’t see so i just had to blindly feel my way to the fridge and pour out a bowl of milk, and then plant my face in the bowl of milk, anyway at that point the rice cooker went off and triggered a power surge which turned my electricity off, which i didn’t notice at first because i had my face in a bowl of milk and when i did emerge from the dairy prison i thought i had gone blind with chilli burns. so no i don’t really cook much.

out of all the forms of transportation in the zombie post-apocalypse why would ya pick a loud ass motorcycle

how else do I let the zombies know i gotta big dick and I get the ladies